Some one call the ambulance...there's gonna be an accident. (Day 223)

Artist - Placebo

Song - Infared

Album - Meds.







Placebo are one of those bands that have been around, seemingly forever, had a song on the radio that if you heard it you'd go, "Oh them!" A good example of such a song is one of their first hit singles, "Pure Morning":

"A friend in needs a friend indeed
A friend who bleeds is better
My friend confessed she passed the test
And we will never sever."


Great, great mood music. Especially for sitting alone and reflecting or driving.


So tomorrow I'm taking off to go to California for a little bit. Updates may be sparse, but when I get back...plenty more to talk about!

So, stay safe and I hope you have fun!

-Until tomorrow.

My whole life I've been a tourist. (Day 222)

That quote comes from Nate, JR from HBO's "Six Feet Under". I've always loved that show, I used to watch it a lot when I was growing up until we got rid of HBO, so now I'm refreshing myself on the show and then finish out the story. The writing makes me envious to a level that's probably not what many people would consider um, healthy. I'd kill for an ounce of talent, so you could only imagine the genocide I would rain down to have an increment of that talent. Of course no one would be able to enjoy it except for myself because everyone else be dead. Holes in theories for 300, Alex.

But that quote really hit me kind of hard.

Instead of just trying to apply myself towards anything, accomplish anything or search for a real meaning I've resorted to just sucking air and shitting remnants of an ego.

I've spent the past decade living out of a back pack and suitcase. I don't own very many things, let alone anything nice because I've always wanted to be ready to go at the stop of a dime. I've always kept a foot out the door, and in the words of John Cusack in the movie version of Nick Hornby's novel Hi-Fidelity, "You can't do that. That's just suicide."

I've been lucky enough to really strengthen a bond with a friend I made a little over a year ago. The past five months have been really hard for me, with very little reprieve to speak of yet this past month she's really cheered me up most days. I'm lucky. She's another one of those girls that really should never talk to me, because let's face it...I look like a rancor, I'm completely awkward, boring and dumb and I have no right whatsoever to converse with people out of my league. God bless her, she takes pity on me and has given me charity friendship anyway. I'm just waiting for the day when she yells "J/K" and runs away laughing, never to be heard from again.

It sucks she hates herself, she's better than so many people I've come across in my life simply because for better or worse no matter what, despite the outcome, she's always her. And that's amazing. Trust me, you'd be so lucky to know her.

Thank you so much, Linty.

When I was in High School one of the biggest programs offered at this particular institution of mediocre learning was JROTC. If you don't know what that is, it's a preparatory course for a career in the military. Before I get into this entirely, I want to give a short background on this city known as Casa Grande.

It's a black hole the likes of which I've never really seen before. A huge percentage of the people who reside here have always, and will always. And their progeny plan on enver leaving. Kids start families in their teens, smoke meth like it's cocaine, and really just never get past this depressing, soul sucking hump.

In JROTC the drill instructors made it a point to always tell their future kill bots that the only way out of this town was a career in the armed forces. That that was the only way, and even then that wasn't even enough. That eventually they would wind up back here, but after having seen the world they'd "realize" that this place was the best place in the world.

And my God, that depresses me to no end. And I think this whole time I've lived like a tourist because I just never wanted to feel like I had roots that were too deep, that I could uproot at any time and escape in some sort of glorious dash. I don't want to think that this is it, that this where I'm going to live for the rest of my life.

I just wish I knew for a fact that somewhere out there is something I can latch onto, that's far away from Casa Grande, far away from Pinal County, far away from the lava state known as Arizona.

I want to take that risk and leave it all up to chance. But so many people that leave here always come back. I don't want that to happen to me, and I wish I had a flux compacitor to make sure that that isn't in my cards.

But every time I've ever left, I've wound up back. And that can't happen again.

-Until tomorrow.

Sweet dreams, Pantopon Rose. (Day 221)

This is a quote from Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs. I think out of all the beat writers, this guy definitely might have lived the hardest life, although he wound up living longer than most of them.

Beat writers, while the whole spirit and genre really are my favorite period of literature, really divide me in a lot of ways. As much as I love Jack Kerouac or William S. Burroughs, part of their legacy tends to bother me. Kerouac wound up dying at 47 penniless from cirrhosis. That doesn't bother me too much, honestly, because heavy drinking comes along with the territory. At least he died as a product of himself, unlike that coward Hemmingway.

But being a part of the beat generation, helping be it's pioneer, he was also one of the first to abandon ship becomming a conservative catholic.

It's just that juxtaposition. One moment you're about personal freedom and the next your about personal restriction, even going so far as to support the Vietnam War. Ironically a lot of the people who were against that particular were directly influence and rooted in the foundation he laid.

I understand people change, but something that drastic...don't you always hold on to a little bit of yourself? I don't know. That kind of extreme change of character really bothers me, and I'm not really sure.

Burroughs is a different story. His er, relationship with Ginsberg and both of their work for NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association) really just bothers me. I think that's pretty self explanatory though.

And i think about this because the course I've laid out for myself with school, in advertantly appears to be going down the road of English/Writing. This was mostly at the behest of my counsellor. I have no idea what kind of application English could really have in the world if you're not going to be a teacher, which I honestly couldn't stand unless I was teaching in a college position. Otherwise, I just couldn't.

Writing is so unrealistic. I don't have what it takes to survive on it, and even if I magically gained that over night, my ethos prohibit me in a sense to actually want to make any money. One of the last lines of the book I wrote says, "May this book never make one fucking dollar."

That pretty much sums it up, I think. I don't know how I would be able to handle making money off of my own words. It's really enticing, and super fun to fantasize about, but I'm just trying to become realistic these days is all.

Right now I have my fingers crossed I can get into a work-study program at school, I applied for it with my FAFSA application today. I need monies for the Fest, and am not too proud now to accept donations whatsoever. I'll tell you what I told my financial aid person the other day when I approached her at her desk.

"Need money, gimme gimme, now now." While having my hands outstretched.

This was obviously the best route.


-Until tomorrow.

Haushinka is a girl with a peculiar name, I met her on the eve of my birthday. (Day 220)

Artist - Green Day

Song - Haushinka

Album - Nimrod.






I wonder what it would be like to work in forensics. I wonder if they have a kind of "ride along" thing like the cops do. If someone knows the answer to this, let me know post haste!

Dexter makes it look so interesting and fun. I've been getting a lot of crap about my love for the show, but what I don't think people realize is that I'm a fast learner and I'm obsessed with this show. Never speak ill of Lord Dexter Morgan in my presence, unless you need some plastic sheets.

I'm starting to really get antsy about starting school. I kind of want to meet new people and start a new chapter. I really need too, and maybe there's some fun adventure, but I don't know.

I'm just ready to start something new, and give it all. Just to prove to myself I could've done it all along, and feel validated. I don't know if that makes any sense.

But what have I ever said that makes sense?

-Until tomorrow.

There is no fool like a high-IQ fool. (Day 218)

I've decided that this year I'm going to try my hardest to make it to the Fest. Today, they just announced the bands. Whle perusing through the list I saw a few familiar faces, ones I'd expected and it still seemed like it'd be a great time.

And then I realized Samiam are playing, and deciced that if need be, I can start walking now.

I'm not sure what's more fun: Seeing a legendary band that you love play knowing full well you might not ever get another chance, traveling to a City/State you've never been too before, three days of music...

All those are realistically things that I really look forward too.

I've never gotten to do anything like this, and now I just have to figure out how to make it happen. I may start selling records and stuff through here, I'm not sure.

Who all is going?

-Until tomorrow.

Moving west, Mississippi it's time like these I wish you were here with me. (Day 217)

Artist - Nothington

Song - Going Home




So after six years of not waking up to go to school, the streak has officially ended.

And it felt different this time.

I don't like to talk about how I walked away from high school. I'd always felt that it was a pretty big waste of time, and I really wish I could've just dealt with about two years of it and then went straight to a proper learning institution.

I walked away for reasons I'm not even sure will ever truly make sense. At least to people hearing it from the outsiders perspective.

And I know now that the seeds are planted. Not a wreckless, romantic idea of just running away and throwing caution to the wind, but instead taking a more calculated approach to life in general. And for the first time it actually feels that even though it'll be a slow burn, it'll burn none the less.

The more thought I put into it, the more I realize how much transfering to a different school in a different city and state now becoming a tangible possibility. It might not be yet another pipe dream.

I hate that I'm starting to get excited.

I'm a 23 year old Freshman. That makes me a loser. I shouldn't be excited, I should be admonishing myself for letting so much of my life get sucked away by things I shouldn't have, and that really puts things into perspective, I guess.

But I can officially say I'm now a poor college student.

I don't know if I would have ever seen this coming, honestly, had I not gotten a kick in my ass this year.


-Until tomorrow.

"I would die for you, but I won't live for you." (Day 216)

Today's exerpt comes from "Perks of Being a Wallflower". I'm thinking every once in a while I'm going to pepper in a quote from a book, or tv show or something. Just so I don't repeat the same song lyrics or just focus on some many of the same bands and you know, switch it up.

This past week I've been completely off my medications. And I realized tonight just how clouded my mind is. It isn't something that I intentionally did, being off my medications.

I'm still shakey about what I'm gonna do about school, and what comes after. Part of me just wants to take whatever I can get, latch onto that and never think otherwise. In fact, that's a huge part of me. I don't want to be wreckless, now that it really counts this time.

So many times before, it really counted, and I just ran. And I always hoped it would stay. I always told myself that in the end I'd do something, or somehow it'd be there waiting for me.

I guess I've never really given myself much of a chance.

I just get so fucking frustrated. I don't know if you know what it's like to one minute be up, and the next down and to know that on a purely scientific level what's happening isn't your fault...well, that's not exactly a consulation.

I just want it to stop long enough for me to be able to figure out a thought, and then be able to just go with the flow and relax and not...think so damned much. I wish I could just...turn it off, or at the very least slow it down to where I had a breath between thoughts. I wish I could explain it, but I just can't.

And at times I really enjoy it. To be able to harness it just enough to write, the ebb and flow is so seemless and at that point, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

But now it's becoming crunch time. It's getting to the point where it's vital I learn how to cope with this, and I'm having such a hard time. And turning to medication was such a hard thing for me to come to terms with in the first place...

And to have to call a doctors office eight times in four, five days and then have to ask my pharmicist to try and get ahold of them...it's the most demeaning thing. I shouldn't have to beg for a solution. I should be able to not say I had to jump through hoops to get a cleared up head long enough to do some homework and pursue some menial fucking job so I can come home every night and watch Tivo'd Dexter.

It's one thing for it to be hard work. But I'm doing everything here. I'm not being met half way, a quarter of the way or even the doorstep. Fine. Whatever. But to be made to feel that I'm begging for something I felt so ashamed of asking for in the first place really just sucks.

All I want to do is quit. And I know I can't. I just know I can't make that decision when I'm not on the medication. It should be a decision I come too when I'm fully medicated and can think a little more clearly.

I haven't had a thought I could trust in a week and a half. Nothing entirely morbid. I mean, yeah...there's been thoughts here and there, but when you can't stop obsessing over every detail and it physically ailes you, and every breath feels like a bomb...you just cannot move forward. Your mind, your body will not let you because everything feels so god damned deterring.

It's true. Every single teacher and parent and adult that told you along the way, "only you can stand in your way", well...they were absolutely right. I realize that's what I'm doing, that's all I've done.

Every time I was asked to stay a little bit longer, and still got on the next train out of town. Every time I should have toughed it out one more day, but raised a finger high and walked away. Every time I should have smiled but bit my lip and crossed my arms. Every single time I stayed in my room on a beautiful day opting to stare at a ceiling...

And I just do not want to be that person anymore.

In Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie talks about participating. And I've never done that. Sam, the girl he loves, near the end of the book yells at him for never once showing or saying what he wanted, instead he just always chose to think of what they might think or what they might want. And she never got to know the real him, entirely. Why he never kissed her when he wanted too.

I've not been very good at participating. Every chance I've had at being reclusive instead of wandering out...well, most of the time I chose the shadows.

In restaurants, or on busses, I always try to sit in the back, with my back against the wall. And I've never been able to really understand that compulsion. But to be honest with you, when I can't be at the very back, in the corner...nothing feels right and I just want to leave.

And it's those stupid goddamned thoughts that toss me around like an ocean in a tsunami. And I'm so sick of that. I want to either just sink or swim. Just something, and I do not feel in control. I just do not feel like I'm in control of myself or my situations.

And I'm going to college?! Are you fucking kidding me?! One of the most expensive things I'll ever deal with, and I can't make up my mind on anything.

This has to stop. I just want this to stop.

But I need someone to kick my ass, and there's just no one there with a boot.

-Until tomorrow.