Wednesday, October 7, 2009

There's no more room for love.

Song - Chasing Hamburg

Artist - Polar Bear Club

Album - Chasing Hamburg.





So I'm back, at least just for an update. In the interim, I've been busting my ass to achieve something, to become something...to plant the seeds and move forward from this niche I've dug for myself.

Basically, I've been working hard at school. Sometimes I don't achieve the grade I set for myself, and it kind of eats at me, but I keep plugging away.

I turned 24 this past Sunday. I spent it with some good friends.

I woke up early that morning, and had to breathe it in. I wound up staring out the window watching the clouds roll by, my favorite kind of day. In these past few months I've met a lot of new people, and I've started to meet...me. A part of me I never really knew existed, and it's kind of interesting.

I realized how much I've changed, and where I've stayed the same.

I messed around this year, and got my heart handed to me covered in rock salt and regret. The last time that happened, I wound up hopping on a plane to New York.

I've never had a problem running, it was just the direction I was having an issue with.

But now I'm running in what I hope the right direction is.

And the other day, I decided to self publish my first book, which is a compilation of short stories. It's called File Under Powerviolence, and I've posted a few of the short stories here. If you like, you may certainly buy the book. It's pretty much a donation-based project, and you can either email me (aaron.halewilliams@gmail.com) or leave a comment here, and we can figure something out.

I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life.

But I'm done with that hurting. For real, this time.

"Everythings alright now, babe, more than you know."

Life still has it's trouble. But in that, I've lost weight, I've become more disciplined and...I'm surprised by that. I'm getting a little burned out, and I need to really snap myself into shape, but I'm well on the way.

I hope to move out soon.

I just can't stop thinking about the coast. California, Oregon or Washington. I want to be...there.


It's a long road, but I'm taking you with me.


-Until tomorrow.

Monday, August 31, 2009

One Year Forward. (Update 225)

About ten years ago or so I sat in the back of a small, very old church in Toltec, Arizona on a very hard pew. It was actually the only pew in the church, kind of a direct contrast to the image one usually gets when thinking of a church; rows and rows filled with creaky wooden benches causing the more aged of the parishioners to be a bit more at ease than their younger counterparts, who's younger and more supple bodies would silently protest to the wooden apparatus that should never be called a piece of furniture, as that in itself is an insult to the fine craftsmanship of most other pieces.

There were a few of us that sat in the back. A girl I wound up having a deep crush on for many years growing up, Christina to my best friend at that time, Mike Mumme, who wound up dating her at this time. This would be a situation that would repeat itself many times throughout the course of my life, often times seeing my good or close friends falling for the girl I happened to have feelings for. In fact, it's happened as recently as this year. While this has stung each time to varying degrees, it's proved that while I'm not exactly Casanova, I do have good taste. It has caused me, however, to wind up having to settle for girls more my...league. Much to my chagrin, and laughter of said friends.

A few weeks prior the pastor that'd built this small, old church (Mike Mumme's grandfather) James Mumme had decided to step down from his duties to take it easier at the time. He would later build another church in Arizona City, and continue working just as hard. As long as I've know James Mumme, he's always been a short, slightly hunched, very skinny elderly man. In that regard, he's not aged a day since I met him.

While everyone had been sad to see him go, James Mumme had always had an aversion towards speaking into a microphone, which may've been a stroke of genius, or maybe even more likely because of 40+ years of experience in being a preacher, James Mumme would speak softly. Now, there's soft speaking, and then there's the James Mumme way of soft speaking, which would cause everyone in the room to hold their breath for nearly the entire sermon, listening hard just to see if he was actually saying anything.

So while everyone was sorry to see him go, I highly suspect some of the more aged were sighing a bit in relief, because hearing wasn't on their side. Quite often, on any given James Mumme sermon, you could hear numerous hearing aides buzzing and squealing due to being turned up at a decibel so maxed out, that any higher you could hear peoples thoughts.

There we were, sitting in the back of the church. Today was now the second week with new pastor we'd chosen. We'd gone through interim traveling preachers, each applying for the position to tell their own version of the word of God. Eventually, through some process I don't quite recall (though I highly suspect it was that of everyone raising their hands when their choice was named, much like elementary school class elections were.)

What was interesting about this preacher was his way of conducting things. While he was a bit older, (late sixties) he was one of those rare breed of the elderly that seemed to transcend age as a whole. I've been lucky, my step father who wasn't quite as old as he was (but still older nonetheless) has been one of those rare fogies, too. So it wasn't a shock to me like it was the other youth.

But his way of speaking, how he would engage people...he would make it seem like he was locked eyes on only you, despite him speaking to an entire congregation. It's a manner of speaking in which I've emulated heavily, honestly. But his whole demeanor was a direct contrast to the prior pastor. While one was much more somber, monotone and demure...he was much more charismatic, vibrant and engaging. Instead of just reading passages, he would incorporate humor and tell stories as well, that you couldn't honestly help but become involved in.

He was a natural born story teller. Either you have it, or you don't, it's not anything you can ever really learn. The seeds have to be planted instinctually, and the throes of life have to cultivate the crop, and from there it's something that flows naturally.

Leroy Van Verth was his name.

You ever think back to someone, and the most peculiar things surrounding them in their environment, or mannerisms...those ones you're sure that no one else quite remembers, that those things are what will remind you of that person years down the line? Leroy had quite the penchant for Peanuts comics. He had stacks of them, all lined up in a very precise order in this bookshelf next to his front door. He constantly read them, and incorporated them into humorous anecdotes in his messages.

His wife Nina was always playing piano. She played piano for the congregation, but even at home they chose more often to read books and play music, rather than submit to the woes of the daily news. That always impressed me about them. And I don't mean to sound like they were oblivious to the outside world, far from it actually. More often than not, they would be reading newspapers. And while I never asked, I do highly suspect it was because news aims to desenthiesize and numb, where papers were tend to be more factual.

So here we are, sitting in this church still trying to get a feel for this new preacher. And while I never have really truly been able to believe in God, there's something to be said for just listening to that side of the story.

And then he regales us with this tale about how he was embarrassed to drive his car to church. That one kind of caught me off guard, because he was a very faithful customer of the Infinity brand. A very luxurious, nice car. But in a more humble way, if that makes sense. He then went into the tale...

"Nina and I received our tags the other day. When we opened them up, I noticed that my license plate," he says as he pulls out the envelope containing the license plate, "Had something a bit unnerving on it. Especially being a preacher and all." He removes the license plate. On the plate, it had the numbers 666, eliciting a very large plume of laughter from his new herd.

And that's how he was. I know that might not seem much. But it's that memory of him, the way he treated the youth in the congregation...I can't remember one time he didn't great me with a firm hand shake, and say, "What's the good news today, old sport?"

Adults always talk down to those younger than them. He leveled the playing field, and chose to treat children and youth as intelligent beings. It was that show of respect that endured him to me.

I'll always remember, above it all, how he was with his wife. How after so many years, they still seemed to have that 'Honeymooner' aura about them. Every evening, before it was dark, they'd walk their dog Amber, and hold hands.

I've always felt that holding hands is the most intimate thing you can honestly do with a loved one.

One year forward, today on this day he was stabbed to death over the same brand of car he was always faithful too.

And it's been hard, too. Real hard. Because I've never had something like that happen to someone who was close to me. I've known people, friends who've passed away. But never their lives taken from them. And I'm not saying that that makes their passing any less tragic, because it doesn't. It's just that ripple effect that winds up hitting you so much harder than you'd ever expect.

To this day, his murderer hasn't been caught. I doubt he ever will.

Though I wasn't there, I still see it vividly in my head for some reason. He and his wife had just returned home from Portland, Oregon from a vacation. He heard noises outside, and went to inspect it.

Stabbed to death in his own churches parking lot.

But I think, above everything in this world....all the things that can be so ugly and vile, even at their most ugly and vile moments such as bleeding to death, there can be one triumph above all. I truly believe that that in itself is in fact love.

There can be a lot of hits or misses. For Leroy and Nina, they were High School Sweethearts, something virtually unheard of now.

But she got to say goodbye. He got to hold her one last time. And while his killer may never come to justice, to me...that's the most important moment you could ever have. Love could conquer all, in any context.

So I sit here now, one year older but the feeling still pretty fresh. I still wish I could be angry about the whole thing, but I just can't. I keep expecting to forget what his voice sounded like, but I haven't.

I was lucky enough to be able to call him a friend. I'd go further to even say that while it'd been a while since we'd last spoke, he was so close to my family that we'd consider him a part of out family.

But to consider him a friend...it seems to awkward, I guess, given the large difference in our ages. There wasn't a single time though where it was hard for us to find something to talk about.

It's greedy to say I wish he was still here. He had 81 amazing years of life, 60+ married to his wife, and if anyone lived a life...I'd consider it to be him. We never know how this story is going to end. But when it does come...you just can't stall it.

And those left standing have a hole left. To mourn and remember.

But one year forward, I choose not to mourn, but to remember and celebrate and express a wealth of joy and utter gratitude. Some people are meant for better things, and sometimes those things aren't within this life. Sometimes it's to cause reflection and remind those left behind how amazing and great life could be, despite the ugly and vile cracks and crevices along the sidewalk that can twist your leg and break your ankles.


"Did you hear the gospel choir when they came to carry you over? Did you hear your favorite song one last time?"


Thank you Leroy Van Verth. You meant more to me than I could ever express.


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I've driven across deserts driven by the irony That only being shackled to the the road could ever I be free. (Update 224)

Artist - Frank Turner

Song - The Road

Album - Poetry Of The Deed






California Update PT. 1:

So last time I updated this was about three and a half weeks ago. Who knew that honestly so many things could actually happen. First and foremost, I'd like to say hello to every Pitchfork Media "writer" that loves to brow-beat themselves with my "tired, boring act". It gives me a warm and fuzzy feelings.

At last update, I was on my way out the door to California. Quite a bit actually happened in that time, from getting the proverbial shit kicked out of me for a couples art project. The art project is basically, from what I have gathered, a compilation of photographs taken for I believe a book to be called "Jack's Black Eye". In case you didn't catch the reference, it is indeed a reference to Chuck Palahniuk's novel (turned blockbuster hit movie starring Edward Norton and Brad Pitt) 'Fight Club'.

I think it's a pretty interesting project, and it'll be interesting to see how it turns out in the end.

The night we finally arrived in San Clemente, we went to a bar that is frequented by Marines called Goody's.

Everyone wants to paint Marines in the light of being confused adolescents who are trigger happy with no other guise in life outside of being from a poor background with little idea on how to exist, exactly, in this modern landscape of America. That they're nothing short of hair-trigger tempered individuals with a jock asshole mentality, and the truth is...I just don't see it that way. Very salt of the Earth, the majority of them, I'd say.

It was very interesting. We wound up making the acquaintance of two Marines who'd just returned that afternoon from where they were stationed, though for the life of me I can't remember their names or if they were stationed in Iraq or Afghanistan. I fail tremendously.

What I won't forget was how they were both cousins who, throughout their tenure from boot camp to being stationed, always somehow remained together, which is extremely unlikely.

One of the kids wore glasses, and he sat on the couch repeating over and over out loud, to no one in particular eventually, that he couldn't believe it. That it didn't seem real (being on a couch and not having to worry about the daily call of bullets flying and bombs falling). Eventually he wound up falling asleep, and this proved to be quite cumbersome for his cousin as he tried for well over an hour to wake him up.

A few days later we wound up back at Goody's, only to not really make it in time to actually go in. There were two drunk guys hanging outside of the bar who decided asking Velvet to drive them home was the smart and utterly responsible thing to do. But apparently driving them home didn't quite mean, "Can we sit in your car and you drive us safely to our abode" but rather, "Drive this white Scion box home, and then walk your asses back to...wherever. We don't care."

Initially, I don't believe either Velvet, Jeremy (whom also came up from Arizona for this splendid trip.) or I gave a care. It's Southern California. It's Orange County. It's never unpleasant there weather wise (As Lewis Black once said, "The easiest job on the planet has to be the weatherman for Southern California. 'Dave, what's the weather like today?' '...Nice. Back to you, Bob.' "), and I believe there was a plan for the three of us to walk for a bit anyway.

Eventually though I began to notice just how many blocks were passing behind us. Around this time, one of the drunkards asked Velvet to pull into a 7/11. She wound up going inside with him, leaving Jeremy and I with the much more intoxicated of the two. It was around this time I realized that this guy had intentions to make an honest woman out of one of the three of us (Velvet, Jeremy and I). He became increasingly annoyed while he was explaining his intentions, and wound up punching the back of my head rest. "Great", I thought, "He's going to make nipple cozies out of my uvula. Good. That's what I want to happen."

Soon after this realization, Velvet and the other drunk kid returned to vehicle. "I got you guys some Four Loko's. She said you guys would like them."

Now I've heard of a lot of alcoholic beverages in my day. I'm a scientist, it's my job. But Four Loko was something I'd never heard of. I later assumed it was a cousin to Dragon Juice. Basically they're related in that they are higher ranging concentrations of alcohol mixed with an energy drink. Whatever, it was free and it didn't taste so bad.

We wanted to take the drinks and run, but both of our humble hosts weren't having any of that. Turns out they grew a heavy conscience about our pending two mile walk. We get up there, and I proceed to drink this energy alcoholic drink as fast as possible. That was a uh...bad idea, honestly.

It was around this time when the drunker of the two decided it was time to finally reveal who the lucky lady would be. Turns out you actually need a physical vagina to qualify, which left Jeremy and somehow me out of the running. It was around this time Velvet informed him again (she'd been doing so all night) that she had a boyfriend. Apparently this was on no consequence. I decided to take a more direct approach.

"He's hung like a goddamned horse. I've seen it. It's kind of offensive, honestly." This was said in a completely sober context.

Soon enough we found ourselves walking two miles back to her car. Around a mile into the walk, the beverage hit my like a cannon to the chest, and I thought I was going to die. My heart literally was attempting to break down the walls of my chest, and escape. I laid on the ground wanting to run forever, but forcing myself to lay still until the cardiac riot in my chest calmed down.

That's all I've got for tonight. I need to go to sleep soon, I have class at 9:30 in the morning, but will be at the campus at about...7:40 am. YES.

I can't wait.

Also, Days Gone By will no longer be update daily. Several times a week, but not daily. I just can't keep up now with my new schedule. But hopefully it'll remain just as boring as always.

-Until tomorrow.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Some one call the ambulance...there's gonna be an accident. (Day 223)

Artist - Placebo

Song - Infared

Album - Meds.







Placebo are one of those bands that have been around, seemingly forever, had a song on the radio that if you heard it you'd go, "Oh them!" A good example of such a song is one of their first hit singles, "Pure Morning":

"A friend in needs a friend indeed
A friend who bleeds is better
My friend confessed she passed the test
And we will never sever
."


Great, great mood music. Especially for sitting alone and reflecting or driving.


So tomorrow I'm taking off to go to California for a little bit. Updates may be sparse, but when I get back...plenty more to talk about!

So, stay safe and I hope you have fun!

-Until tomorrow.

Friday, July 24, 2009

My whole life I've been a tourist. (Day 222)

That quote comes from Nate, JR from HBO's "Six Feet Under". I've always loved that show, I used to watch it a lot when I was growing up until we got rid of HBO, so now I'm refreshing myself on the show and then finish out the story. The writing makes me envious to a level that's probably not what many people would consider um, healthy. I'd kill for an ounce of talent, so you could only imagine the genocide I would rain down to have an increment of that talent. Of course no one would be able to enjoy it except for myself because everyone else be dead. Holes in theories for 300, Alex.

But that quote really hit me kind of hard.

Instead of just trying to apply myself towards anything, accomplish anything or search for a real meaning I've resorted to just sucking air and shitting remnants of an ego.

I've spent the past decade living out of a back pack and suitcase. I don't own very many things, let alone anything nice because I've always wanted to be ready to go at the stop of a dime. I've always kept a foot out the door, and in the words of John Cusack in the movie version of Nick Hornby's novel Hi-Fidelity, "You can't do that. That's just suicide."

I've been lucky enough to really strengthen a bond with a friend I made a little over a year ago. The past five months have been really hard for me, with very little reprieve to speak of yet this past month she's really cheered me up most days. I'm lucky. She's another one of those girls that really should never talk to me, because let's face it...I look like a rancor, I'm completely awkward, boring and dumb and I have no right whatsoever to converse with people out of my league. God bless her, she takes pity on me and has given me charity friendship anyway. I'm just waiting for the day when she yells "J/K" and runs away laughing, never to be heard from again.

It sucks she hates herself, she's better than so many people I've come across in my life simply because for better or worse no matter what, despite the outcome, she's always her. And that's amazing. Trust me, you'd be so lucky to know her.

Thank you so much, Linty.

When I was in High School one of the biggest programs offered at this particular institution of mediocre learning was JROTC. If you don't know what that is, it's a preparatory course for a career in the military. Before I get into this entirely, I want to give a short background on this city known as Casa Grande.

It's a black hole the likes of which I've never really seen before. A huge percentage of the people who reside here have always, and will always. And their progeny plan on enver leaving. Kids start families in their teens, smoke meth like it's cocaine, and really just never get past this depressing, soul sucking hump.

In JROTC the drill instructors made it a point to always tell their future kill bots that the only way out of this town was a career in the armed forces. That that was the only way, and even then that wasn't even enough. That eventually they would wind up back here, but after having seen the world they'd "realize" that this place was the best place in the world.

And my God, that depresses me to no end. And I think this whole time I've lived like a tourist because I just never wanted to feel like I had roots that were too deep, that I could uproot at any time and escape in some sort of glorious dash. I don't want to think that this is it, that this where I'm going to live for the rest of my life.

I just wish I knew for a fact that somewhere out there is something I can latch onto, that's far away from Casa Grande, far away from Pinal County, far away from the lava state known as Arizona.

I want to take that risk and leave it all up to chance. But so many people that leave here always come back. I don't want that to happen to me, and I wish I had a flux compacitor to make sure that that isn't in my cards.

But every time I've ever left, I've wound up back. And that can't happen again.

-Until tomorrow.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Sweet dreams, Pantopon Rose. (Day 221)

This is a quote from Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs. I think out of all the beat writers, this guy definitely might have lived the hardest life, although he wound up living longer than most of them.

Beat writers, while the whole spirit and genre really are my favorite period of literature, really divide me in a lot of ways. As much as I love Jack Kerouac or William S. Burroughs, part of their legacy tends to bother me. Kerouac wound up dying at 47 penniless from cirrhosis. That doesn't bother me too much, honestly, because heavy drinking comes along with the territory. At least he died as a product of himself, unlike that coward Hemmingway.

But being a part of the beat generation, helping be it's pioneer, he was also one of the first to abandon ship becomming a conservative catholic.

It's just that juxtaposition. One moment you're about personal freedom and the next your about personal restriction, even going so far as to support the Vietnam War. Ironically a lot of the people who were against that particular were directly influence and rooted in the foundation he laid.

I understand people change, but something that drastic...don't you always hold on to a little bit of yourself? I don't know. That kind of extreme change of character really bothers me, and I'm not really sure.

Burroughs is a different story. His er, relationship with Ginsberg and both of their work for NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association) really just bothers me. I think that's pretty self explanatory though.

And i think about this because the course I've laid out for myself with school, in advertantly appears to be going down the road of English/Writing. This was mostly at the behest of my counsellor. I have no idea what kind of application English could really have in the world if you're not going to be a teacher, which I honestly couldn't stand unless I was teaching in a college position. Otherwise, I just couldn't.

Writing is so unrealistic. I don't have what it takes to survive on it, and even if I magically gained that over night, my ethos prohibit me in a sense to actually want to make any money. One of the last lines of the book I wrote says, "May this book never make one fucking dollar."

That pretty much sums it up, I think. I don't know how I would be able to handle making money off of my own words. It's really enticing, and super fun to fantasize about, but I'm just trying to become realistic these days is all.

Right now I have my fingers crossed I can get into a work-study program at school, I applied for it with my FAFSA application today. I need monies for the Fest, and am not too proud now to accept donations whatsoever. I'll tell you what I told my financial aid person the other day when I approached her at her desk.

"Need money, gimme gimme, now now." While having my hands outstretched.

This was obviously the best route.


-Until tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Haushinka is a girl with a peculiar name, I met her on the eve of my birthday. (Day 220)

Artist - Green Day

Song - Haushinka

Album - Nimrod.






I wonder what it would be like to work in forensics. I wonder if they have a kind of "ride along" thing like the cops do. If someone knows the answer to this, let me know post haste!

Dexter makes it look so interesting and fun. I've been getting a lot of crap about my love for the show, but what I don't think people realize is that I'm a fast learner and I'm obsessed with this show. Never speak ill of Lord Dexter Morgan in my presence, unless you need some plastic sheets.

I'm starting to really get antsy about starting school. I kind of want to meet new people and start a new chapter. I really need too, and maybe there's some fun adventure, but I don't know.

I'm just ready to start something new, and give it all. Just to prove to myself I could've done it all along, and feel validated. I don't know if that makes any sense.

But what have I ever said that makes sense?

-Until tomorrow.