Sunday, April 18, 2010

Do you think about me now and then?

Two posts in less than six months? Insanity. I've decided to start making time to write again. My dreams have been on pause, but lately life has seemed to want to unravel. So instead of sinking to the beat, I've decided to go down swinging.

Even on my worst of days, I'm still doing about a thousand times better than Scott Heisel.

This job I've got has played to a deeply repressed part of my self. The kind that would kill a thousand men just to secure the almighty dollar for a moment more. And I hate that portion of me, but lately I've just played to the hidden side of myself.

I'm about to be with an apartment because of some shifty managers disregarding their own rules and logic.

And every thing feels like it's dying around me.

But for the first time, even without her by my side to help fuel that fire...I'm damned angry, and I'm hitting harder than before. The writing I've done is so much more impassioned. I've gotten a lot more responsible, I'm enjoying life a lot more, despite this past month. I'll wind up on top, or die trying.

But with the realization that the apartment situation, that's literally been a Hell-Hole situation since minute one, is coming to a close I realize I can...go anywhere. Be anything, or anyone.

So it's exciting, but bittersweet at the same time. I've lost a lot of people lately, but I've also gained some that I know would hurt to lose.

The title from today's blog comes from Kanye West off of 'Graduation. "Homecoming" featuring Chris Martin of Coldplay.. If you haven't, check it out. I think it's something most people could easily relate too.

And in relation to me, this song helps remind me that the situation I've got...

I've lived in Arizona most of my life. My dad, mom and cat are here. Close friends.

And there's this line in the song, "But if you really cared for you, then I guess you'd have never hit the airport to follow your dreams."

Well, for too long I've put other people in front of me. And the thing is...that's not some good karma thing, necessarily. It reeks of cowardice for not taking a chance.

So maybe I don't care for her.

Or maybe it's that I do and I just want to not for a few minutes.

I love the story of the Phoenix, and think that with each passing year the City that bares the same name follows it's homage a little closer. Minus the borderline-racism, homophobic undertones.

But maybe I just want to see it from a distance, and try to make my own happen. It's a strange time, so who knows what's going to happen.