Don’t act like a snobby model, you just hit the lotto . (Day 51)

Am I the only one thats this excited about the new Eminem song, "Crack a Bottle"? It'd be the most awesome return song ever if 50 Cent didn't rear his bullet ridden mug on it, but what else can I say? "I love LA".



So to add onto the lovely things that've happened this week, I lost my wallet and I'm pretty sure I'm about to lose my fucking mind. That, coupled on with the fact that apparently my house has become a hotel for wayward senior citizens that like to impose their will, and treat me like a plantation slave....I'm having a hell of a week.

If you live in the Arizona area and wanna play some basketball please get a hold of me. I really, really need to blow off some steam.

I've been diligently at work finishing up File Under Powerviolence, and I can pretty much almost taste it at this point. I've nailed down a publisher I want to work with and yeah, I'm feeling alright about it.

Anyway, make sure you go check out Velvet's blog: Have Tumor, Will Travel. She's recently gave it a make over, and has an awesome set of Vegas photos from a recent trip. It's much more interesting that what goes on here.

As for me, I'll be watching 30 Rock all day, and trying not to swallow Comet cleaner. Enjoy your Saturday, kids. Don't drink and drive, wear condoms, and salute your countries flag!

Until tomorrow.

So now it's 3 AM and the cocaine's all but gone. If I can buy a bottle from the bar then I can make it through till dawn. (Day 50)

Cocaine...it's a hell of a drug!

I need to play basketball or my head is going to explode. Someone make this happen. I'm going stir crazy, and I need to blow off some steam.

I found out my Uncle is a raving lunatic, my TV died, a toe nail fell off, a vindictive ex-girlfriend found a way to fuck me from beyond the depths of Hell still, and I still have a bit of the Food Poisoning. What a fucking week. It's cloudy outside, maybe I'll get hit by lightning.

I'm stoked that I get to meet a new friend next week though. Lets see how that goes.

This is a song I've been working on. Let me know what you think:


Well I dance on land mines just to pass the time
Another generation gap separates divine
Spent my life standing in line, praying for an ounce of control
But wound up broken and beaten searching for a temple and a soul
My minds racing, these voices are sinking in
Can't seem to decide how to survive one more day without the tickle of vicodin
I can hear your eyes staring holes in the dark
Asking, "Do you have an answer for why this race never starts?"
You walked a million miles but never thought of how to cope
With what you would do when you realized the verdict of these ghosts.
My glass is half-empty, half-full
Watching the glass bleach bone dry while it over-flows
I guess thats just the way it goes
Well here go.

Come on and learn to sing for broken bones
Hear the tongues clicking in bleeding mouths in pretty tones
Nine-eleven, nine-one-one, 1984 again
Come home Aristotle, your wisdom is settling in
And I've had my fill of this technological sin
Beta 6.0 comes at a cost, and it's no concern
This server severed several fingers, the data beats now....off time
The high horse broke my fall from cloud nine
Well I guess theres no Shangri-la
Opportunity stopped ringing when it discovered it was
more subtle to just ignore the call
I'm a modern day Pariah searching for his throne
Building my legacy with headstones in Rome
I don't speak in tongues I just don't speak anymore
I found my voice was broken and ignored
So have faith in nothing cause it's all gonna burn
History's a living lesson we're not willing to learn
And thats fine.

My guts are smashed in my throat, I can't control
The feeling of fleeing every time I pick up a phone.
Capsized, romanticize living and dying alone
This eternal flame no longer burns
for these headstones in Rome.

-Headstones in Rome.

Thats all I have for right now.

Until tomorrow.

Get up, get off your horse boy you're nothing special. (Day 49)

Theres nothing more palpable than failure, except for maybe raw hatred.

And right now I'm chock full of both. I consider myself to be a very patient guy, but right now it's run very thin, and if something doesn't snap this stressful strain I might just drop dead.

I believed in people, until recently. I'd say within the past forty-eight hours any confidence I had in myself, and faith in humanity as a whole has basically dissipated. Never has the cup been half empty and half full. It feels so bone dry, yet it's about to overflow.

It's enough to make me want to cut ties with my life here entirely and move to the East Coast and just get lost in music and the politics that come with living in an area so close to what drives me insane on a day-by-day basis. Every single noise that tickles my ears make my brain hurt, and theres so much restraint right now and to be quite honest with you, I don't even know why.

I want to bury my hand in plaster, I want to punch out walls because...hell, I live in Arizona. I could really use a sky light, and since we're going green in our society I could always save some money by not running the air conditioner in the summer. Get a nice little cross breeze going.

I can't help but feel like I'm cracking up, entirely. I feel like I'm becoming paranoid, and every single breath of air feels like it's drowned in a catastrophic coating of some disease I've yet to discover. That goes completely for all of humanity.

Every breath, every word, every syllable and pronoun caves in my chest and I just want to fight back. Opportunity is an eleven-letter word thats just a cute way of going the long route of saying, "future failure". I don't know if anyone else is seeing what I'm seeing. Maybe I'm just cracking up.

Maybe I just need to get laid.

Just something to calm the shakes and twitches, because I'm getting sick of pills taking so long to take effect.

Until tomorrow.

Richard Coury put a bullet in his brain, Every day is the same, loneliness all the haze. (Day 48)

Today I got dicked around at my appointment, so for the time being I'm somewhat in limbo.

This weeks been kind of annoying, the more that I think about it. Earlier this week, like Sunday-ish my TV's power button decided "Hey, you know what would be fun? Falling inside of the TV making it impossible to turn on anymore."

"Why not use the remote?"

Mind your own business, voice in my head. I lost the remote years ago.

Then last night I was cleaning my shower, when my toe nail just fell off. And when it fell off I don't mean it caught on something and ripped off, or that I had to pull it off. It simply fell off. Like a leaf in Autumn, it released itself from my toe.

After having a mini-crisis (I'm weird. I don't think I could actually not kill myself if I lost even a toe. I'd feel incomplete--this was devastating) I picked it up and rationalized what would cause that to happen. See, the weird thing is thats supposed to be really painful. It didn't hurt, and I mean at all. It still doesn't.

But a few months ago I was playing basketball, and someone landed on my feet (both of them) and at first I thought I might have broken toes. On my left foot it went normal colored toe-nail, black toe-nail, normal colored toe-nail, black toe-nail, normal toe-nail. It kinda looked like piano keys, in a way.

Well, one of the black ones simply just fell off.

Today I went to the doctors appointment. When they called the night prior, they told me "11:30am" to which I said, "OK".

I get their at 11:20. Punctuality, surprisingly for me, is very important. I hate the feeling of being late. Mostly because I hate myself, and I don't want to disrupt anyone. I'd rather just slink quietly in the back and be forgotten.

When I go to check in the lady says, "You know your appointment was at 11:15, right?" to which I reply, "The girl who called me last night told me 11:30".

It's about this time I notice the girl next to her, because she bursts into stifled laughter. "Excuse me, is there something funny?" She says, "Oh, I knew I'd did that to someone!" and has an epic laughter.

Needless to say, my appointment was canceled because the stupid whore laughing made me FIVE minutes late. I just hate that this makes me look bad, and I really want to get on with the next step of this process.

Every day is beginning to feel monotonous. Every piece and part of it feels like a play thats being done over and over again, and truth be told...it's just not cute anymore.

I just want something to break before I break. And some days, I'm just not sure which is going to happen first. It's frustrating, and it's driving me insane quickly.

So who knows....

Until tomorrow.

I'm living for my dying breath. (Day 47)

After watching five minutes of the inauguration and buying a rapture helmet (cause oh lordy they's a black man in charge now!11!) I decided to turn off the TV. I get the jist, change change, Bush gone, change.

Thanks to everyone who checked out Shootin' at a Mound of Dirt. It's gotten a modest amount of attention, and for a no name nobody like me...thats cool.

Jesse, an especially big thanks to you for the continued advice and nice words.

Tomorrow I have my follow up appointment with my doctor for the Lamictals. I have a feeling the dynamic of this blog may be changing up here very, very shortly.

Until tomorrow.

I will destroy everything of beauty. (Day 46)

Girls kill me, they really do. And I might never be able to figure them out. In fact, I'm banking on it.

I hate when an awesome girl gets treated poorly by someone she likes. Seeing them lose faith in themselves drives me nuts.

I hate knowing one day Arleen's daughter will feel spurn and heart break.

Life can be a vicious cycle, and we're all just caught in the whirlpool at this point. I wish there was a way to break the monotony: but now all I want is to just read an fall asleep. See something awful succeed, and something beautiful be destroyed. To stand as the sole survivor and say, "I lived through this." and know I'm a better person for having done so.

Even when I was close to defeat I rose to my feet. (Day 45)

I began my 200mg's of Lamictal today. But big whoops.

The Cardinals won the NFC Championship. Now I've caught a lot of flock for picking them as the team to beat this year, and right now I get to say, "I told you so."

Every drought has to come to an end, and even if the Cardinals lose on Feb. 1st, thats fine by me because they made it to a level no one wanted to believe in, continually discounted, wrote off, and called "the worst playoff team in history".

This past weekend was awesome. I got to catch up with a few people I haven't gotten to see in years. Last night we had a pretty big, I guess you'd call it bonfire going, and plenty of booze to warm up the extremities not warmed by the fire. I'm still dealing with the food poisoning a little bit, but thats to be expected. I'm just stoked I can finally eat solid foods again.

It was nice though, to get away for a few days. Every time I come back from an extended stay in the Valley, I feel really bad. I don't like living this far away from some of my closer friends, and I'd like to remedy that, but at the moment I'm not sure I'm in the right position to do so.

In fact, I'm sure I'm not.

I'm very fortunate to know a lot of people around the globe, and that feels strange for me to say. But the problem is, I want to spend time with each of them, and I have no idea how to go about that, minus selling a kidney and a lung. Too bad I need my kidney for drinking, and lung for breathing...otherwise, well I'd be on a plane to Maryland right about now.

I have no idea where I physically want to end up. I just know it isn't here, and as much as I've come to love Arizona I can't fathom living my entire life here, much less in this area. It scares the shit out of me to think I may one day wind up in the local mortuary...that'd be the biggest defeat I could ever think of.

Sometime I wonder if I should just spin a globe, and point a finger and where it lands is where I land. Or maybe throw a dart, because it's such a toss up.

The thing I'd miss most about Arizona, I think, would be the weather.

We might sweat four months out of the year during ungodly heat, but the other eight months are perfect climate. We don't have snow, we don't get earthquakes really, or hurricanes, tornado's or anything like that. Some hot temperatures and...then it's all good. It isn't muggy really...just nice.

And I feel like anywhere else I live I become subject to floods or waves of destruction I can't wrap my mind around because we Arizonians live the easy life weather-wise. Plus, it doesn't snow.

It's winter right now, and we spent most of the evening outside in light jackets comfortably. Besides the southwest/west...who else is enjoying that kind of weather?

But theres gonna come a time when we all have a better place to go, or else why are we living?

Until tomorrow.

I saw water, I felt lighter. (Day 44)

Today was the final day of the 100mg dosage tomorrow will I will up it to 200, and thats the final leg before I start my next medication. So I'm kind of excited about all that.

I'm pretty glad I got to update tonight. I'll recap more later but at the moment I'm not entirely in the best state of mind, so unfortunately my normal witty, clever banter will be put on hold. But I highly suggest everyone go check out Velvet's blog. It's far more interesting, plus she's just god damned beautiful. Do it.

Check back in tomorrow night for our regularly scheduled blogging!

Until tomorrow!