Richard Coury put a bullet in his brain, Every day is the same, loneliness all the haze. (Day 48)

Today I got dicked around at my appointment, so for the time being I'm somewhat in limbo.

This weeks been kind of annoying, the more that I think about it. Earlier this week, like Sunday-ish my TV's power button decided "Hey, you know what would be fun? Falling inside of the TV making it impossible to turn on anymore."

"Why not use the remote?"

Mind your own business, voice in my head. I lost the remote years ago.

Then last night I was cleaning my shower, when my toe nail just fell off. And when it fell off I don't mean it caught on something and ripped off, or that I had to pull it off. It simply fell off. Like a leaf in Autumn, it released itself from my toe.

After having a mini-crisis (I'm weird. I don't think I could actually not kill myself if I lost even a toe. I'd feel incomplete--this was devastating) I picked it up and rationalized what would cause that to happen. See, the weird thing is thats supposed to be really painful. It didn't hurt, and I mean at all. It still doesn't.

But a few months ago I was playing basketball, and someone landed on my feet (both of them) and at first I thought I might have broken toes. On my left foot it went normal colored toe-nail, black toe-nail, normal colored toe-nail, black toe-nail, normal toe-nail. It kinda looked like piano keys, in a way.

Well, one of the black ones simply just fell off.

Today I went to the doctors appointment. When they called the night prior, they told me "11:30am" to which I said, "OK".

I get their at 11:20. Punctuality, surprisingly for me, is very important. I hate the feeling of being late. Mostly because I hate myself, and I don't want to disrupt anyone. I'd rather just slink quietly in the back and be forgotten.

When I go to check in the lady says, "You know your appointment was at 11:15, right?" to which I reply, "The girl who called me last night told me 11:30".

It's about this time I notice the girl next to her, because she bursts into stifled laughter. "Excuse me, is there something funny?" She says, "Oh, I knew I'd did that to someone!" and has an epic laughter.

Needless to say, my appointment was canceled because the stupid whore laughing made me FIVE minutes late. I just hate that this makes me look bad, and I really want to get on with the next step of this process.

Every day is beginning to feel monotonous. Every piece and part of it feels like a play thats being done over and over again, and truth be told...it's just not cute anymore.

I just want something to break before I break. And some days, I'm just not sure which is going to happen first. It's frustrating, and it's driving me insane quickly.

So who knows....

Until tomorrow.