Saturday, April 18, 2009

Take this wine and drink with me, let's delay our misery. (Day 136)


If you don't know what that is, run and don't stop until you get to your local independent record store, and see what kind of vinyl-y goodies your favorite (or maybe soon to be favorite!) bands have dropped into stores for you.

And of course, check the walls. Many of the indie's will be having in-store performances. You need to go participate! We all know Mp3's are convenient, but there's something to be said about that first scratch as a needle drops. My stereo has mono, how about you?

Starting tomorrow, I'll be talking about the records I feel you should listen too. It'll be a lot of fun!

Right now, I'm going to go make mischief, and see what kind of delights I can procure at the record store. ALL HAIL ZIA'S RECORD STORE!

Have fun everyone! Be safe, and all the best.

-Until tomorrow.

Friday, April 17, 2009

But seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you. (Day 135)

To clear up, I have started a Twitter War with a friend of mine because we're both jerks to each other, and arguing makes us feel validated in some way, or something like that.

It seems like every new person I cross paths with, I like to fight and argue with. Not in a mean spirited way, but just...arguing for the sake of bonding, I guess. There's a lot wrong inside this head of mine, but seeing as how I'm dead inside...this is the only way I can try and relate to anyone anymore. By being kind of a dick. I think it's working out well for me.

I recently started reading this book called The Lie, by Chuck Kultgen. It came into my life at a really...perfect time, actually. While I can't/don't 100% agree with everything written in the book, the general overtone is one I've been dealing with a lot myself lately. It's interesting in the way it's written, and though I kind of think Kultgen might be a little too...woman hating for his own good, the truth is, I really do like this book. It's got the taste of three people scorned by love and lust. What's not to relate to with that?

The other day I was doing a MySpace survey when one of the questions asked, "Do you miss any of your memories" or something like that. My friend Kim answered, "I don't miss them, but I remember them with a smile."

I think that applies, and ties in perfectly with what yesterdays update was about. I honestly do.

I just hope that still holds water come a few weeks from now.

-Until tomorrow.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Are you hiding in a basement, mixin' up the medicine? Every April Fool's I say your name. (Day 134)

God, my knee is killing me. Absolutely killing me.

So last night something interesting happened to me. I don't sleep well very often, ever. I was sitting here participating in a heavily heated Twitter War with my friend Christina, when I started to nod off. I looked at the time, and it was 7:45pm. I decided, maybe I'll take a little nap. I don't see why not!

I go an lay down. The next thing I know, I'm stretching and I glance at my alarm clock. 12:30 today. I've never slept that long without anything, and most certainly without the aide of chemicals. I felt refreshed (though slightly sluggish) but yeah...I can't believe I slept that long.

The dreams I had were really weird. I kept seeing this kid named Justin Warren, and he looked exactly how I had remembered him in grade school. We weren't particularly the closest people, but we were decent friends.

He was definitely his own man, though. Even back then, he just did his own thing and didn't worry in the very least how people would ever perceive him. I always really admired that about him.

But in this dream, he and I were in High School. I never saw him again after we graduated the 8th grade. Once in a while I'll wonder whatever happened to that kid, and I guess today is gonna be one of those days.

It seems like those days are a blur and they never actually happened. Most of my past feels like it didn't happen, it's just some movie I fell asleep while watching, and I could hear everything while sleeping and they melded with my dreams. I did that with Stripes once--crazy.

But like...I don't know. I don't want to be concerned with the past anymore. Anything that happened before right this very moment, I have no problem letting stay buried. Even the good stuff, cause that'd hurt too much to relive, I think.

I don't want to think about yesterday, or last week. I don't want to be that person that lives in the past completely, or even thinks about it at all, actually. What's the fucking point? You're blowing a perfectly good opportunity to enjoy the here and now, and you're ruining it by thinking of stuff that happened when you were twelve.

I don't know, is this making any sense?

-Until tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Dearly beloved--I can't relate to you. (Day 133)

The more I think about it, the more nervous I get.

I have a doctors appointment coming up to discuss the steps we're going to take to have surgery on my knee. Right now, my knee (despite of pain killers) is throbbing, and I haven't been able to much weight on it without it seeming to protest every step.

When I think about those closest to me other the past few years, I kind of realize I have a hard time relating to anyone. It's kind of weird, but most of the people who've become close with over the years are such polar opposites, and I never really noticed it until they were gone.

I think in the next few days I'm gonna talk about album I feel like could change your life, or at least make an impact in some way. Send in some ideas if you want, I'd be interested in what's been revolutionary for you.

I think it's weird when people can't say who their favorite bands are. Maybe being a nerdy audiophile is strange and lonely place. At least there's good tunes!

-Until tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I've got friends in all the right places, I know what they want and I know they don't want me to stay. (Day 132)

I'm calling it in the air now, the new Manchester Orchestra album, Mean Everything to Nothing, is the album of the year. It is in-fucking-tense, and it's come along in my life when I needed something as emotionally abrasive and direct as this. Listen to it there, it's brutally honest and it rips at your throat.

I feel empty right now. I miss my friends, and the way things used to be. But...I just wish I knew what I was doing, or had someone to talk to about it. I used too...but, I can't rely on her anymore. So, blah.

I don't know. I need to figure something out, soon.

-Until tomorrow.

Monday, April 13, 2009

That's great, it starts with an earthquake. (Day 131)

It's time I spend some time alone, and I feel fine!

It's time that I got moving on. In a lot of the sense of the word, and God it kind of hurts to really say that. But walking away is really all I know. I've spent the past two years fortifying friendships I've had for years (and nothing could ever end those) and making new, amazing close friends. But I'm cavalier. In every sense of the word, and those friendships I've made in the past years...they mean the absolute world to me.

Which is why it sucks so much to just lay down your cards and walk away.

I just don't have anything left. You know that Rise Against song, "Give it All"? I know it's more political than anything, about giving everything of yourself to a cause and effect, etc. But people always attach their own meanings to songs, and I guess for me that song has always represented social politics more than anything. Giving it all to those you love, and even those you don't. Be the change you want to see in the world, no matter the cost.

And I truly feel that I have done the best I could. I'm not saying I made an impact on anyones life, and that's not the point at all anyway. I know I haven't changed anything whatsoever, or made an impact on the slightest. That's never been my aim. I just want to be myself, and not burden anyone with anymore of the stigma that unfortunately comes along with human interaction.

But recently I've become nothing but a burden, and I feel like a complete poison. I've always felt like a poison. The thing is, I'm the type of person who would graciously bow out of any equation if it meant others having a modicum of happiness in their routine.

And now it's time that I got moving on. Those closest to me, those who I played an active role in their lives, I feel like I'm that equation that shouldn't be. I never fit in anyway, so there's absolutely no loss whatsoever.

I feel in my heart they are very grateful and relieved for me to take a limited role in their lives. It's going to make things so much easier. Plus I was always a boring drinking partner.

"Rock bottoms where we live, and still we dig these trenches."

I wanted my chance, I got it, and I squandered it.

So for those who this update is dedicated too, you know who you are exactly. We won't even pretend this is ambiguous at all. We all knew this was coming last night in my drive way, and we all know it's probably for the best.

I'm sorry entirely. From start to finish/beginning to the end. I'm a shitty person, and I tried to warn you all along.

Enjoy your vacation. I'm proud of you guys. I'm glad two people made it out of the muck, mire and bullshit in life. Staring up from the bottom rung, I can honestly say I'm proud to've not only known you, but that the two of you found what you were looking for. I'm happy, in a bittersweet way, to have at least seen it happen first happen.

I love you so very much. Both of you. More than you'll ever, ever know.

As for me, I finally understand the Against Me! song, "Slurring the Rhythms", especially the line "we're never going home."

I just don't have anything left to give. Trust me, I'm completely forgettable anyway.

I'm just running on empty.

"I'm about to find out how many miles you can log on a broken heart, and half a tank."

For the rest of you guys, I'm coming at you angry, sexy and fast. I'm staying pissed, and proud of it. I'm taking a short break after I finish writing this book I'm working on, which I still can't decide which title I like better, "A Positive Rage" or "Anthems From a Basement Floor". It's about a traveling band, as told through the eyes of the lead singer. I really like it so far, I don't know if anyone else will...but whatever. I'm fucking up, but who's looking?

But I'm gonna keep pushing, keep writing, keep running, and I'm not stopping. Ever. Even if it leaves me destitute and homeless. That's the price I'm willing to pay, and I don't care if I never become famous. I've never done anything for myself. It's my turn to look out for number one for once.

I look forward to meeting you guys.

I'm never going home.

Give it All.

-Until tomorrow.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

There is no point in a keepsake when you run from collections. (Day 130)

This is gonna be a two parter, updated tomorrow.

It's hard to say goodbye, when you barely felt like you said hello. I wonder if anyone else wonders if they ever left an impact besides all the negativity they produced in anothers life. I don't know if anyone is as much of a poison as I am.

No cameras, no pictures. There's no part in trying to mark this moment in history because eventually that inks gonna fade long after you already forgot my name.

Best of luck, best of wishes.

Give 'em Hell.

-Until tomorrow.