Saturday, July 18, 2009

"I would die for you, but I won't live for you." (Day 216)

Today's exerpt comes from "Perks of Being a Wallflower". I'm thinking every once in a while I'm going to pepper in a quote from a book, or tv show or something. Just so I don't repeat the same song lyrics or just focus on some many of the same bands and you know, switch it up.

This past week I've been completely off my medications. And I realized tonight just how clouded my mind is. It isn't something that I intentionally did, being off my medications.

I'm still shakey about what I'm gonna do about school, and what comes after. Part of me just wants to take whatever I can get, latch onto that and never think otherwise. In fact, that's a huge part of me. I don't want to be wreckless, now that it really counts this time.

So many times before, it really counted, and I just ran. And I always hoped it would stay. I always told myself that in the end I'd do something, or somehow it'd be there waiting for me.

I guess I've never really given myself much of a chance.

I just get so fucking frustrated. I don't know if you know what it's like to one minute be up, and the next down and to know that on a purely scientific level what's happening isn't your fault...well, that's not exactly a consulation.

I just want it to stop long enough for me to be able to figure out a thought, and then be able to just go with the flow and relax and not...think so damned much. I wish I could just...turn it off, or at the very least slow it down to where I had a breath between thoughts. I wish I could explain it, but I just can't.

And at times I really enjoy it. To be able to harness it just enough to write, the ebb and flow is so seemless and at that point, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

But now it's becoming crunch time. It's getting to the point where it's vital I learn how to cope with this, and I'm having such a hard time. And turning to medication was such a hard thing for me to come to terms with in the first place...

And to have to call a doctors office eight times in four, five days and then have to ask my pharmicist to try and get ahold of's the most demeaning thing. I shouldn't have to beg for a solution. I should be able to not say I had to jump through hoops to get a cleared up head long enough to do some homework and pursue some menial fucking job so I can come home every night and watch Tivo'd Dexter.

It's one thing for it to be hard work. But I'm doing everything here. I'm not being met half way, a quarter of the way or even the doorstep. Fine. Whatever. But to be made to feel that I'm begging for something I felt so ashamed of asking for in the first place really just sucks.

All I want to do is quit. And I know I can't. I just know I can't make that decision when I'm not on the medication. It should be a decision I come too when I'm fully medicated and can think a little more clearly.

I haven't had a thought I could trust in a week and a half. Nothing entirely morbid. I mean, yeah...there's been thoughts here and there, but when you can't stop obsessing over every detail and it physically ailes you, and every breath feels like a just cannot move forward. Your mind, your body will not let you because everything feels so god damned deterring.

It's true. Every single teacher and parent and adult that told you along the way, "only you can stand in your way", well...they were absolutely right. I realize that's what I'm doing, that's all I've done.

Every time I was asked to stay a little bit longer, and still got on the next train out of town. Every time I should have toughed it out one more day, but raised a finger high and walked away. Every time I should have smiled but bit my lip and crossed my arms. Every single time I stayed in my room on a beautiful day opting to stare at a ceiling...

And I just do not want to be that person anymore.

In Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie talks about participating. And I've never done that. Sam, the girl he loves, near the end of the book yells at him for never once showing or saying what he wanted, instead he just always chose to think of what they might think or what they might want. And she never got to know the real him, entirely. Why he never kissed her when he wanted too.

I've not been very good at participating. Every chance I've had at being reclusive instead of wandering out...well, most of the time I chose the shadows.

In restaurants, or on busses, I always try to sit in the back, with my back against the wall. And I've never been able to really understand that compulsion. But to be honest with you, when I can't be at the very back, in the corner...nothing feels right and I just want to leave.

And it's those stupid goddamned thoughts that toss me around like an ocean in a tsunami. And I'm so sick of that. I want to either just sink or swim. Just something, and I do not feel in control. I just do not feel like I'm in control of myself or my situations.

And I'm going to college?! Are you fucking kidding me?! One of the most expensive things I'll ever deal with, and I can't make up my mind on anything.

This has to stop. I just want this to stop.

But I need someone to kick my ass, and there's just no one there with a boot.

-Until tomorrow.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

And there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds. (Day 215)

Artist - Rise Against

Song - Savior

Album - Appeal to Reason.

This next week I have a meeting with a counselor to discuss what basically boils down to my future.

There's that word again. That one that haunts every corner of my existence right now. I spent so many years trying to outrun it and hide from it that now it's everywhere I look. Part of me wants to be excited, but mostly it's the realization of letting go that hangs on every sentence that's really starting to bother me.

Future desk jobs and company retreats. Casual Friday's and three day weekends.

I used to wonder if we were meant for more. Not even wonder, I was so convinced. But the truth is...we aren't. We aren't meant for anything more.

Those memories you hold onto...those betray you so much, they decieve you into thinking that every uphill battle has a better view at the top. But most likely it looks like every other plateau.

I just want to take what I can get at this point. It's all I've got, and there's nothing left holding me down anymore, and I just don't know what to do.

-Until tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Grab onto me tightly, as if I knew the way. (Day 215)

There is no song lyric today, no video, no band. Nothing.

This is the very first update with none of that. At this point, there's just no music to help ease an empty a lulling feeling.

My entire life, I've just wanted to be that kind of person who could try and make someone feel better, and every step of the way it's come back to bite me.

And so I just want to listen to the silence.

I'm in the ocean drifting and making memories out of sunburns.

I've probably lost the person who's meant the most to me in life, and I have nothing to say to make anything right. I always seems to make bad situations worse...

And so I've been thinking about the end a lot lately. Nothing morbid. The end of DGB, the end of trying to hold on when there's no reason to even fight it anymore.

I'm sorry.

-Until tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

You were so right when you said that I've been drinking. What was I thinking when I said good night? (Day 214)

Artist - Wilco

Song - I'm Trying To Break Your Heart

Album - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot.

I've been having some pretty annoying problems with my computers lately. The one I'm using now is much, much older and very reliable (it always has been) but it's bogged down to the point where it runs about as quickly as molasses.

I've been extremely tired today. I'm not quite sure why. This isn't much of an update, and sorry there's no video. Thanks again to YouTube for deciding to suck. Still check out the song, though.

-Until tomorrow.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Megaphones in helicopters squeal “hey are you okay?” Searchlights circle, where we lost our way, (Day 213)

Artist - The Weakerthans

Song - Benediction

Album - Reconstruction Site.

I'm starting to sweat a little bit about what I'm going to do when I go to college. I mean the obvious answer is, "Homework, and lots of it." But besides that, I have no idea what it is that I'm going to pursue. Don't most people have even the slightest of inklings of what they're gonna do when they get there?

I've always had an interest in something in the realm of forensics, maybe even working with blood spatter. But the more and more I start to express this interest, the more and more people shoot it down saying that because of the popularity of the CSI series, there's been an overflow of interest in this field. All I've heard is that it's a very unwise decision, and I can't afford to ever make one of those again. I have to get my head on straight.

But the thought of going to some job everyday, and inevitably getting sucked into office politics and the social interaction over crappy cups of coffee and lunch breaks fueled from vendor nutrition...the very thought of ever doing that depresses me more than anything I can possibly ever think of.

And the staunch realization that that's what lays ahead for's very soul-crushing. But maybe that's not such a bad thing. You have to break a wild horse before you can take it to show, I suppose.

The thing is that I could go through that day to day if there was any increment or modicum of something to look forward. But you work until you're too old to ever really enjoy life.

And maybe these past six years were meant to tide me over, and if that is the case...I really hope I made them count.

I've never wanted to see 'routine' as something that I'd willingly adhere too, but maybe it's the gray hair and ever slowly growing maturity that's making it...not quite palpable, but slightly easier to accept.

I keep wanting to take worthless classes, like theater. All throughout my academic career that's been the one class that's been a constant that I always showed up for time and time again. Outside of creative writing, theater has always been such a fun thing to do. But in looking at these classes, I can't help but feel it's just frugal and not something a real adult would ever do. Just a waste of time. A pipe dream not worth continuously sparking, because surely enough you will be coming back down and have exactly nothing to show for it.

I can't help but close my eyes while listening to the Weakerthan's, and getting lost in the stories that are woven over the beautiful chords and imagine myself there, in their shoes doing something that's so outlandishly amazing that it's almost unfair that not everyone can be in a traveling band making people dance and seeing the world one boarder and club and airport and gas station at a time.

At least I can always close my eyes and fantasize.

-Until tomorrow.