Today's exerpt comes from "Perks of Being a Wallflower". I'm thinking every once in a while I'm going to pepper in a quote from a book, or tv show or something. Just so I don't repeat the same song lyrics or just focus on some many of the same bands and you know, switch it up.
This past week I've been completely off my medications. And I realized tonight just how clouded my mind is. It isn't something that I intentionally did, being off my medications.
I'm still shakey about what I'm gonna do about school, and what comes after. Part of me just wants to take whatever I can get, latch onto that and never think otherwise. In fact, that's a huge part of me. I don't want to be wreckless, now that it really counts this time.
So many times before, it really counted, and I just ran. And I always hoped it would stay. I always told myself that in the end I'd do something, or somehow it'd be there waiting for me.
I guess I've never really given myself much of a chance.
I just get so fucking frustrated. I don't know if you know what it's like to one minute be up, and the next down and to know that on a purely scientific level what's happening isn't your fault...well, that's not exactly a consulation.
I just want it to stop long enough for me to be able to figure out a thought, and then be able to just go with the flow and relax and not...think so damned much. I wish I could just...turn it off, or at the very least slow it down to where I had a breath between thoughts. I wish I could explain it, but I just can't.
And at times I really enjoy it. To be able to harness it just enough to write, the ebb and flow is so seemless and at that point, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
But now it's becoming crunch time. It's getting to the point where it's vital I learn how to cope with this, and I'm having such a hard time. And turning to medication was such a hard thing for me to come to terms with in the first place...
And to have to call a doctors office eight times in four, five days and then have to ask my pharmicist to try and get ahold of them...it's the most demeaning thing. I shouldn't have to beg for a solution. I should be able to not say I had to jump through hoops to get a cleared up head long enough to do some homework and pursue some menial fucking job so I can come home every night and watch Tivo'd Dexter.
It's one thing for it to be hard work. But I'm doing everything here. I'm not being met half way, a quarter of the way or even the doorstep. Fine. Whatever. But to be made to feel that I'm begging for something I felt so ashamed of asking for in the first place really just sucks.
All I want to do is quit. And I know I can't. I just know I can't make that decision when I'm not on the medication. It should be a decision I come too when I'm fully medicated and can think a little more clearly.
I haven't had a thought I could trust in a week and a half. Nothing entirely morbid. I mean, yeah...there's been thoughts here and there, but when you can't stop obsessing over every detail and it physically ailes you, and every breath feels like a bomb...you just cannot move forward. Your mind, your body will not let you because everything feels so god damned deterring.
It's true. Every single teacher and parent and adult that told you along the way, "only you can stand in your way", well...they were absolutely right. I realize that's what I'm doing, that's all I've done.
Every time I was asked to stay a little bit longer, and still got on the next train out of town. Every time I should have toughed it out one more day, but raised a finger high and walked away. Every time I should have smiled but bit my lip and crossed my arms. Every single time I stayed in my room on a beautiful day opting to stare at a ceiling...
And I just do not want to be that person anymore.
In Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie talks about participating. And I've never done that. Sam, the girl he loves, near the end of the book yells at him for never once showing or saying what he wanted, instead he just always chose to think of what they might think or what they might want. And she never got to know the real him, entirely. Why he never kissed her when he wanted too.
I've not been very good at participating. Every chance I've had at being reclusive instead of wandering out...well, most of the time I chose the shadows.
In restaurants, or on busses, I always try to sit in the back, with my back against the wall. And I've never been able to really understand that compulsion. But to be honest with you, when I can't be at the very back, in the corner...nothing feels right and I just want to leave.
And it's those stupid goddamned thoughts that toss me around like an ocean in a tsunami. And I'm so sick of that. I want to either just sink or swim. Just something, and I do not feel in control. I just do not feel like I'm in control of myself or my situations.
And I'm going to college?! Are you fucking kidding me?! One of the most expensive things I'll ever deal with, and I can't make up my mind on anything.
This has to stop. I just want this to stop.
But I need someone to kick my ass, and there's just no one there with a boot.
-Until tomorrow.
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4 comments:
The quote is from The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, and even says so in "the perks..."
Medication is shit, legal drugs make you easier to control. You are unhappy because the world is wrong, not you. It's hard to be happy, especially when it is easy to survive. You have food, clothes and shelter. Your needs are taken care of, so the part of your brain that is there to solve these problems starts trying to make itself useful by imagining problems which may occur.
Unhappiness is your survival instinct trying to justify itself when it is uneeded in a mollycoddled world, where all your base needs are taken care of. Go survive in the woods and see how much time you have to mope around thinking about stuff, all your thoughts will be taken up with keeping warm and finding food.
I understand what you mean, and I'm there with you, but it helps to understand that your body has not changed in thousands of years, whilst the world you live in is a million times different to the world a hundred years ago.
Don't strive to feel normal or happy, because these are wrong ways to be. Humans are at their best when solving problems, so start trying to solve the problems you want to solve, and do it properly, with all your effort and potential. Be passionate and believe in yourself and your dreams and fuck everything else.
Read 'The Fountainhead', it is empowering, even though it was subverted by capitalism as well as the Nazi party, but objectivisim is an empowering philosophy, worth reading about, read 'Anthem' as well.
Take care
Chris Watson
Lurchingadams25@hotmail.com
I'm an objectivist, and happiness is to be achieved from applying reason and problem solving. I think above commenter has some misconceptions about Objectivism, and capitalism. Fascism or nazism, is a form of collectivism completely incompatible with capitalism and objectivism. Capitalism is simply mutual trade (Objectivists will tell you that we DO NOT have captialism ANYWHERE on earth today). This is the only kind of relationship open to equals. Anything else is master/slave.
But I never really understood what this quote really means, you know?
What does it mean? :\
I can only really go off of what I think it means. I think it means you won't devote your entire life to a being, but given the circumstances off life or death, you'd lay down for them.
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