Saturday, May 9, 2009

If I promise to go to church on Sunday, will you go with me on Friday night? If you live for me I'll die for you, lets just compromise. (Day 155)

It's beautiful out this morning.

It's times like these that I always wind up reflecting upon, and feel like writing the most.

I'm the kind of person that will be always find a way to write, despite the medium. Case in point, I'm drunk outsode of a friends house in a slightly shady part of Mesa using her phone to do this. I love it. It's the one thing in my life I can say I'm utterly passionate and in love with.

Right now I'm thinking of you.

After all we've been through, and God knows it's been a lot, we're still here, and I want you to know what the impact is you've made on me. I've been beat up, I've been broken down and built back up only to crumble again. Yet you've been there so unconditonally, and lovingly.

I can get in dark places, and you understand that wholly. More than anyone else. I'm so grateful for that, you'll never know the depth of my gratitude...but I'm bound and determined to try and let you know.

One of the things you've taught me is hurts like hell right now. There is no getting around that. But it's a beautiful hurt, you just gotta know where to look. This is the time where years from now I can look back at this post, this blog and see how great it was to lose, rebuild, turn frustration into creation and always stay hungry.

I see where it is you hurt. I know we've got the same disease, and we're both swimming lost in a vast, bottomless and unending sea. There's no one else l'd rather have kicking along side of me.

It's time to stop drinking to escape, and start drinking for the taste and eventual blurred texture. Same goes for everything else. They don't have to be habits anymore...they can be hobbies.

We're here, I believe, for a few experiences. Most of it is to have the blessing to meet as many people as you can, be the outcome good or bad. We're just lucky to've been there. Another is to see the sights, if you will. Cities, those you love and those sunrises you'll never forget.

I'll be the atheist, you be the sliver of confusion that let's me stay on my toes wondering hm, maybe I'm wrong.

You're an influence. I cannot say that about many in my life. Thank you. From the bottom.

Wherever life takes me, I, I need you by my side. I never thought I could say that, but four am brings out the kind of truth the daylight could never shed.

So here's to the future. We know it's unwritten. You bring the paper, I'll bring the ink.

-Until tomorrow.

Friday, May 8, 2009

I don't give a shit about the modern age. (Day 154)

Today Green Day posted a stream of their new album over at Rhapsody, MTV and VH1.

It's strange, this band has been the reason why I'm into the music I'm into today, and the level of dedication as well. It's a band I've grown up with, and they are one of those few bands, that for me, have never released a bad album. I've wound up loving them all.

And there's a lot of hype around 21st Century Breakdown.

But truth be told, it's miles better than American Idiot. The problem though, is I can't really say that there's a song on here that's as single worthy as anything off of AI.

I kept wondering before I listened too it, why do they still keep going. Not that I'm ungrateful, it's just that...they really have nothing left to prove, they've made their money, and they've somehow managed to stay relevant long enough to see their influence shape (Right, Fall Out Boy?)

But this's great.

As far as punk music goes, I truly believe they are the biggest punk band of all time. Succeeding even my beloved Clash, Ramones and even the way overrated Sex Pistols. This just solidifies it.

I hope everyone checks it out. It's worth 70 minutes of your life.

-Until tomorrow.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Can your pop sensibilities sing me the end of the world?. (Day 153)

"It's never good to live in the past too long. As to the could be whatever I wanted it to be."

The future is unwritten. I just wish I knew some passages or had a glossary. Every moment to me is a question mark and riddle I wish I could solve or make sense of.

Every beginning is bound to be a goodbye, it just depends on how and where that ending is. It takes me a long time to learn lessons like that. And while I expect many things to end, there are a few precious things I wish could stand to the face of time, and never end.

But they also say change begets changes begets change.

And just like that, this bitter period is done. The things I've created though, are among to me, and personally to me only, the most important I've ever done.

I don't want to be a bitter, angry and sad person. And while I deal with a lot of depression, and sometimes it feels like even the smallest amount of anything can set me over the edge, I recall back to a post I did a while back on here, about the Green Day song, Good Riddance.

It is something that's unpredictable.

No one ever predicts that things will get so goddamned hard you'll lose your home, and the girl that makes every moment you're awake monumentally better will leave. No one predicts that. And maybe it's because we want the easy street.

Ironically, I've always searched for the less trodden path. I've always wanted that road instead, because the easier road has less character. But somewhere along the way I assumed I could have the best of both roads, and in the end I realized what my place was. Walking down a bum-fuck road. Nothing more, and nothing less.

But god damn it all...I had the time of my life. I did.

"It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time."

The past month, two months I've done some stupid things, all in the name of forgetting a feeling and a face. I've woken up next to people I don't even know, and I find myself searching out those girls I don't respect, because those I don't respect can't hurt me. Only I hold the cards.

I wanted to be used as much as I'd just used them, and I wanted that to be known.

I wanted to fade away, become a nothing, because that's who I'm always going to feel that I am. A nothing, a nobody, an easy to forget person who's okay with that. I don't see an ounce of good inside myself, and I truly doubt I ever will.

And through it all I've met, and reignited old relationships with people. And those that've stuck around...I wish I could could explain how amazing it is to be around them. One friend in specific, I find myself missing her when she's gone, because on some deep guttural level we get each other. Kind of part of that loner, geeks, nerds and freaks mentality, if you will.

I want to thank every single person that so far has been apart of this stupid dream. Somehow I've forgotten why it is I've gotten as far as I have as fast these past few months. It took one of the most negative experiences and times in my life for me to push myself harder. And now I'm pushing myself harder, because I don't want that normal 9-5 life. That isn't for me.

For so long I've looked for a comic book artist who would be willing to work with myself, and my best friend Austin. Neither of us can draw, but by God...I don't even know why I'm a part of the writing team. He's brilliant, with amazing ideas. I'm easily the weaker link. On any given day.

It looks like, and I don't want to hold my breath yet, that after buckling down last night I might have found someone (with the help of the gorgeous, funny and smart) Lindsay. She might be Canadian, but I guess she's good for finding stuff.

Point being, we might have found someone. We have an idea for a comic book, and we're moving forward full steam.

I'll never maintain a relationship. Not one of those boy-girl ones. I think I've always known that. My passion is for writing, and creating. While I can be that loving person, I'm too much for anyone to handle. It wouldn't be fair anymore to subject anyone to anything like that.

And it gets really lonesome waking up alone every day. Or with any of these fun and exciting things happening, I can't share them with anyone. I know I can tell friends about it, and man I really am grateful for that. I just don't like bugging them. And I know I can post it here,'s just not the same.

There's fears. Fears about failing, fears about succeeding. Fears and hopes that I get to basically sit on on my own.

But at least I can say that this is my own.

-Until tomorrow.

If you're up to your ears in blood, sweat and wasted years I'm hoping you're going to open your throat and just scream. (Day 152)

I know this girl.

She's beautiful, right? Intelligent, thoughtful and very compassionate. The only problem I see with her is kind of glaring, because she never opens her mouth when she really has something she wants to say.

So many people have taken advantage of her along the way, and it honestly does break my heart. She lets the actions of past asshole men dictate what her self-worth is, and as a result she completely refuses to allow herself to be happy.

Lately, I've been very selfish. I usually put myself last, because honestly...this isn't about me. Life isn't about me. But right now, I just need some time to adjust, and vent, and get used to who it is I'm turning into. I don't always like that person, but it's for the best in the end.

But every time she and I get together, she always gets this spark in her eye. I've seen her with a lot of other people, and she never has that same glimmer. I've noticed. I don't know why it only shows up sporadically when I'm around.

But I've noticed with her, as much as I try to be a bit more selfish, and looking out only for myself...I try to handle her with care. Maybe this is a fatal flaw, and I need to stop this dead in it's tracks, but I don't want her to feel like every male she ever crosses in her life is only capable of hurting her.

Sometimes I kind of wish I was capable of feeling nothing, and it'd be easier to hurt her just so I don't get attached. Things are always gonna go wrong, that's just the cards I was dealt (I'm sure they were Tarot, or something like that, haha) but I just...don't want her to ever have to hurt.

I take extra care with her. I'm extra gentle, and I try my hardest to make her smile, or laugh, which is nearly impossible because comedy died when Chris Farley was buried.

I'm gonna see her really soon, again. We hung out for a bit tonight.

She has one of the all-time greatest smiles.

I hope someday someone helps make her very, very happy.

-Until tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

What goes? Hell knows there's somewhere better than here. (Day 151)

I used to believe that, too. This time, two years ago I was drunk in a Chicago airport, drinking four dollar pints and wondering how the Hell I wound up here.

Flash forward today, I'm still wondering how the Hell it is that I got here.

A lot can happen in two years, but right now it feels like nothing. New York feels like this fading blur of a memory that maybe never even happened.

I had such big hopes and dreams going out there, and coming back, and neither exactly panned out. Out of the people who saw me off at the airport, I talk to two now.

It's funny how things can seem like a lifetime away.

And there's a piece of me that's left behind, and I wish for one day I could go back to Albany. Now, I mean, with everything that I've learned. Sometimes I wonder if I should have stuck it out, but there isn't a part of me that isn't glad I don't live back on the west coast.

Some things still stick with me. I'm a lot more fast paced when I want to accomplish something. Some of my fears are completely gone, and I feel I'm entirely dependant as far as if I would ever actually need another person in my life.

Sometimes it felt like a prison or a cage. Other times it felt like a brand new lease on life. But ultimately I stayed true to who I was when I left, as opposed to some drastic change.

I'll never forget those nights. I just wish they didn't seem like such distant memories that I'm not sure even happened to me.

It's strange. I wonder what happened to some of those people. I know I'll never see them again, and I was a brief moment in their lives, but I wonder if any of them still think of me. I doubt it'd be positive though.

What have I gained? And how much of myself was lost along the way.

What have I lost in these past few months? What was gained?

I'm ready for a new chapter in my life. I often feel if I were as grounded as I am now, and as less spontaneous as I am now, if I were to move to Albany again, if I would stay this time.

I don't like cold weather much. I like cool weather, but I do not care for the term "freezing". So I still don't think I'd stick it out.

I always wish I would've stayed in California that one summer. What would have happened? Hell knows.

But here is where I am. I don't want to regret anything, so I won't. But it's time to find that new drastic change and pursue it with everything. Because much like two years ago, I've got nothing left to lose, and very little to gain.

-Until tomorrow.

Monday, May 4, 2009

And if it's okay, I'll just grab my shit and leave. (Day 150)

Lately a lot has been on my mind. Finding an agent, and trying to figure out what the next step is that I need to take to start a writing career. I feel the time is right, and that that time is right now. More than ever, and I'm willing to make whatever sacrifice it is that I need to make in order for that to become a reality.

For the past few weeks, things have been mounting. At first I was able to cope with this on a level that surprised myself, but now I'm slowly coming to the realization that the medication isn't working properly, and I feel that it's actually being counteractive.

Between issues I've had with my only blood relative that isn't my just gets quite disheartening to know that a person I'm named after, that I used to respect and try to model my life after, views me as a complete and utter piece of shit that he can't stand to be in the same room with me alone for more than a few seconds. I used to try so hard to do something that would make him feel compelled to be proud of me, but in the end I realize that that's highly improbable, whether it be me not taking the path he took, or struggling to just make a name for myself on my own.

He doesn't understand, nor care to understand the issues I've had with mental health (as well as other health issues with my knee and shoulder). It's really weird to me, too. I'm a blood relative to him, yet my step-father loves me, and he doesn't. I don't know, I'm not complaining. I don't blame him for it, either. I think he's always resented me for being bi-racial.

But it still takes it's toll.

My mothers health is really deteriorating, and she keeps pushing herself in ways she shouldn't, but is too proud to take a break and let someone else step in to shoulder the burden she feels is demanded of her for some past transgression. She has this strange mentality, and it depresses the Hell out of me.

I'm hungry, bur frustrated with where this writing thing is going. Maybe I'm just not good enough, maybe I just don't have what it takes. The world needs carpenters, but God, I want to do something I'm passionate about.

I've tried for years to have a band, and no one gives a shit. And now everyone I know is settling down. People have always felt that the things I've wanted to pursue weren't realistic, and maybe it's time to just listen to them. It isn't for everyone, and you have to have that something special to be on that stage, or on that level where you can just create things you are passionate about (unless again you're like...a carpenter who loves their job, or an architect or something along those lines, but nothing artistic, I guess. God, I hate the term art, artistic or anything along those lines.) But you know, maybe it's that time to grow up.

But everyone I know is settling down. Except for my friends Richard, Jeremy and Christina, every single person whom I'd consider a good friend that I see on a semi-regular basis are in long term committed relationships, or beginning to blossom with a relationship with that potential. And I literally have no prospects, and I feel so immature because...what transpired in the past few months...that's something I never wish to have. Not again. Those feelings are too damning and dangerous.

But it's at the point now where I'm always going to be that third wheel. It's because of this reason that I'd rather just start fading now, because it always depressed me to see those guys clinging on friendships that won't ever be the same again. I guess we all have to grow up.

A lot has been on my mind lately. I really think I've lost my mind completely, and my aspirations are just too unrealistic and maybe it's time to cut and run. Nothing wrong with that. I've seen and done a few things. Not too much, because everyone leads more interesting and important lives than I do.

But I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

Come tomorrow, it will be the two year anniversary of when I moved to Albany, New York.

Some people live only in revolutions per minute. As much as I hate it, I tend to live that out myself.

Two years ago I was in this same situation. There are a lot of differences between then and now. A lot. But this time two years ago, I was crushed by a girl (like now) I wasn't going anywhere (like now) and I was ready to give up (like now.)

Tomorrow I'll list whats changed, or at least the things that have happened. But I can't stop wondering, God...what would have happened if I stuck it out? What would have happened if I would've just kept going with this girl, kept working for the government, kept just...doing whatever it was that I was doing.

I'm trying so hard to kill everything about me. There's not one thing about who I was that was worth salvaging for the most part. There's not one person that I know that wouldn't agree with that. I'm a boring, horrible and lousy go nowhere person. There's nothing redeeming about me.

But I'm done bitching about it. I want to kill that all off, and not remember anything about it. I want to change that, and maybe be that guy one day you wouldn't completely hate being around for more than 10 minutes. I'm aiming for 15 at this point. Dream big, Dudely Shale. Dream big.

Tomorrow is a big day for my personal history. So with that, goodnight.

-Until tomorrow.

Turn mama's radio as loud as loud can be. (Day 149)

I've been writing, and writing and pushing myself to keep creating. Whether or not it's good, well that's subjective. But the thing I do know is this: One day those flood gates will open, and every moment I was too broke to actually afford a new pair of pants will be a memory I can't wait to observe in reverence, and work hard to make sure it never happens again.

As far as this creative...whathefuckever, I know right now is, in some instances the best time I'll ever have with it. But I know I'm so far from peaking.

But it feels like it's around the corner.

It has to be, I just know that much.

So, in a way, I've started my own "hunger strike" issue.

For those who don't know, I've got a very...out of control beard. And it will remain on my face until I have a printed copy from a publisher, my work in hand on a store shelf. It initially started out because I nearly gave up on it all. But...instead, I'm keeping this untamed, untrimmed, until I can hold and lick a book that's mine. When that happens, I'm throwing a party, and I'm shaving once more.

I need an agent. First and foremost this week.

It feels so good to have this hunger and drive. I hope to God no matter what happens, be it negative and I lose it all, or positive and achieve all my dreams, that I never lose this hunger to keep pushing.

-Until tomorrow.