Can your pop sensibilities sing me the end of the world?. (Day 153)

"It's never good to live in the past too long. As to the future...it could be whatever I wanted it to be."

The future is unwritten. I just wish I knew some passages or had a glossary. Every moment to me is a question mark and riddle I wish I could solve or make sense of.

Every beginning is bound to be a goodbye, it just depends on how and where that ending is. It takes me a long time to learn lessons like that. And while I expect many things to end, there are a few precious things I wish could stand to the face of time, and never end.

But they also say change begets changes begets change.

And just like that, this bitter period is done. The things I've created though, are among to me, and personally to me only, the most important I've ever done.

I don't want to be a bitter, angry and sad person. And while I deal with a lot of depression, and sometimes it feels like even the smallest amount of anything can set me over the edge, I recall back to a post I did a while back on here, about the Green Day song, Good Riddance.

It is something that's unpredictable.

No one ever predicts that things will get so goddamned hard you'll lose your home, and the girl that makes every moment you're awake monumentally better will leave. No one predicts that. And maybe it's because we want the easy street.

Ironically, I've always searched for the less trodden path. I've always wanted that road instead, because the easier road has less character. But somewhere along the way I assumed I could have the best of both roads, and in the end I realized what my place was. Walking down a bum-fuck road. Nothing more, and nothing less.

But god damn it all...I had the time of my life. I did.

"It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time."

The past month, two months I've done some stupid things, all in the name of forgetting a feeling and a face. I've woken up next to people I don't even know, and I find myself searching out those girls I don't respect, because those I don't respect can't hurt me. Only I hold the cards.

I wanted to be used as much as I'd just used them, and I wanted that to be known.

I wanted to fade away, become a nothing, because that's who I'm always going to feel that I am. A nothing, a nobody, an easy to forget person who's okay with that. I don't see an ounce of good inside myself, and I truly doubt I ever will.

And through it all I've met, and reignited old relationships with people. And those that've stuck around...I wish I could could explain how amazing it is to be around them. One friend in specific, I find myself missing her when she's gone, because on some deep guttural level we get each other. Kind of part of that loner, geeks, nerds and freaks mentality, if you will.

I want to thank every single person that so far has been apart of this stupid dream. Somehow I've forgotten why it is I've gotten as far as I have as fast these past few months. It took one of the most negative experiences and times in my life for me to push myself harder. And now I'm pushing myself harder, because I don't want that normal 9-5 life. That isn't for me.

For so long I've looked for a comic book artist who would be willing to work with myself, and my best friend Austin. Neither of us can draw, but by God...I don't even know why I'm a part of the writing team. He's brilliant, with amazing ideas. I'm easily the weaker link. On any given day.

It looks like, and I don't want to hold my breath yet, that after buckling down last night I might have found someone (with the help of the gorgeous, funny and smart) Lindsay. She might be Canadian, but I guess she's good for finding stuff.

Point being, we might have found someone. We have an idea for a comic book, and we're moving forward full steam.

I'll never maintain a relationship. Not one of those boy-girl ones. I think I've always known that. My passion is for writing, and creating. While I can be that loving person, I'm too much for anyone to handle. It wouldn't be fair anymore to subject anyone to anything like that.

And it gets really lonesome waking up alone every day. Or with any of these fun and exciting things happening, I can't share them with anyone. I know I can tell friends about it, and man I really am grateful for that. I just don't like bugging them. And I know I can post it here, too...but...it's just not the same.

There's fears. Fears about failing, fears about succeeding. Fears and hopes that I get to basically sit on on my own.

But at least I can say that this is my own.

-Until tomorrow.