If you're up to your ears in blood, sweat and wasted years I'm hoping you're going to open your throat and just scream. (Day 152)

I know this girl.

She's beautiful, right? Intelligent, thoughtful and very compassionate. The only problem I see with her is kind of glaring, because she never opens her mouth when she really has something she wants to say.

So many people have taken advantage of her along the way, and it honestly does break my heart. She lets the actions of past asshole men dictate what her self-worth is, and as a result she completely refuses to allow herself to be happy.

Lately, I've been very selfish. I usually put myself last, because honestly...this isn't about me. Life isn't about me. But right now, I just need some time to adjust, and vent, and get used to who it is I'm turning into. I don't always like that person, but it's for the best in the end.

But every time she and I get together, she always gets this spark in her eye. I've seen her with a lot of other people, and she never has that same glimmer. I've noticed. I don't know why it only shows up sporadically when I'm around.

But I've noticed with her, as much as I try to be a bit more selfish, and looking out only for myself...I try to handle her with care. Maybe this is a fatal flaw, and I need to stop this dead in it's tracks, but I don't want her to feel like every male she ever crosses in her life is only capable of hurting her.

Sometimes I kind of wish I was capable of feeling nothing, and it'd be easier to hurt her just so I don't get attached. Things are always gonna go wrong, that's just the cards I was dealt (I'm sure they were Tarot, or something like that, haha) but I just...don't want her to ever have to hurt.

I take extra care with her. I'm extra gentle, and I try my hardest to make her smile, or laugh, which is nearly impossible because comedy died when Chris Farley was buried.

I'm gonna see her really soon, again. We hung out for a bit tonight.

She has one of the all-time greatest smiles.

I hope someday someone helps make her very, very happy.

-Until tomorrow.