What goes? Hell knows there's somewhere better than here. (Day 151)

I used to believe that, too. This time, two years ago I was drunk in a Chicago airport, drinking four dollar pints and wondering how the Hell I wound up here.

Flash forward today, I'm still wondering how the Hell it is that I got here.

A lot can happen in two years, but right now it feels like nothing. New York feels like this fading blur of a memory that maybe never even happened.

I had such big hopes and dreams going out there, and coming back, and neither exactly panned out. Out of the people who saw me off at the airport, I talk to two now.

It's funny how things can seem like a lifetime away.

And there's a piece of me that's left behind, and I wish for one day I could go back to Albany. Now, I mean, with everything that I've learned. Sometimes I wonder if I should have stuck it out, but there isn't a part of me that isn't glad I don't live back on the west coast.

Some things still stick with me. I'm a lot more fast paced when I want to accomplish something. Some of my fears are completely gone, and I feel I'm entirely dependant as far as if I would ever actually need another person in my life.

Sometimes it felt like a prison or a cage. Other times it felt like a brand new lease on life. But ultimately I stayed true to who I was when I left, as opposed to some drastic change.

I'll never forget those nights. I just wish they didn't seem like such distant memories that I'm not sure even happened to me.

It's strange. I wonder what happened to some of those people. I know I'll never see them again, and I was a brief moment in their lives, but I wonder if any of them still think of me. I doubt it'd be positive though.

What have I gained? And how much of myself was lost along the way.

What have I lost in these past few months? What was gained?

I'm ready for a new chapter in my life. I often feel if I were as grounded as I am now, and as less spontaneous as I am now, if I were to move to Albany again, if I would stay this time.

I don't like cold weather much. I like cool weather, but I do not care for the term "freezing". So I still don't think I'd stick it out.

I always wish I would've stayed in California that one summer. What would have happened? Hell knows.

But here is where I am. I don't want to regret anything, so I won't. But it's time to find that new drastic change and pursue it with everything. Because much like two years ago, I've got nothing left to lose, and very little to gain.

-Until tomorrow.