Saturday, June 13, 2009

I must always remember; there's no point to surrender. (Day 189)

Band - Hot Water Music.

Song - Turnstile.

Album - Fuel For the Hate Game.

I was at this show. It was during their reunion tour, and it may have been one of the greatest nights of my life. I remember being very drunken, and screaming like I wrote the lyrics. It was one of the funnest nights in recent memory.

It's one of those things you not miss. Weddings, birthday's, anniversary's...those are all acceptable to miss if one of the greatest bands to ever come out of Gainesville decides they feel like touring, just for the shit's and giggles of it.

But those lyrics are very positive. It's so strange how something as simple as a song can actually lift you out of the gutter, if only temporarily. Music is a drug. It's addictive, consuming and life altering. I couldn't imagine life without it, and there isn't a bone in my body that doesn't need to feel the reverberation of live music, and 600 kids singing along.

Maybe there isn't a point to surrender.

Lately this blog has seen a very literal explosion in popularity. To that I say...thank you, friends.

Have a great, and safe weekend.

-Until tomorrow.

Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding. (Day 188)

If you don't know this...I mean, come on. Where the hell have you been?

Band - Harvey Danger (recently broken up!)

Song - Flagpole Sitta

Album - Where Have All the Merrymakers Gone?

After a very annoying delay with my doctors (try oh...four hours) I went and saw a new doctor. Today was the first time I've actually had face to face time with anyone there, and felt different. I didn't feel pressured to be in and out in 15 minutes, he sat and asked all my questions, and tackled my concerns. While his accent is a bit thick to understand at times, it's the very first time I've actually ever felt comfortable in this place.

He decided that since I'd maxed out the dosage of Pristiq, which...I want to make this known real quick. I'm a heavy advocate of this particular anti-depressant. It works fast, and it's not at all intimidating like some anti depressants can be, because it works so quickly and because even though it works quickly and you notice it, it doesn't at all overwhelm you. For me, my personal experience with Pristiq is that I was very grateful to've taken that first because of how effective it is, and how gradual it feels, even though it's quick. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

However, I do not take it anymore. As of tomorrow I will be starting a new anti depressant, Cymbalta.

The reason for the switch is, with any medication I've ever taken I can pretty much know right from the beginning that this isn't something that's going to be with me forever. I get immune quickly, and have to either up the dosage, or switch a medication completely. Tylenol hasn't been effective for me since I was 9.

I do have concerns about taking Cymbalta. I do. I've heard of some unpleasant side effects from people I personally know.

But what frightens me a bit more is, and I apologize I don't have the list in front of me at the moment, is that I will be taking a heavy hitter of an anxiety medication. Three times a day.

I've noticed the effects that anxiety has taken on me recently. I don't sleep, my eating habits are erratic, I'm becoming extremely reclusive and physically I can see more and more gray hair on my head.

I don't want to be one of those people that can't handle life. But I do understand like, it's a chemical issue inside of me. It's inherited. A lot of things that've happened in my life have really helped it grow, but overall...I still feel weak.

I feel weak and embarrassed that three times a day I have to take a medication for anxiety, and I'm only 23.

So often I feel like I can handle these rough situations, just as long as they don't really focus on myself. I feel like I can thrive in tougher predicaments. But when it comes down to it, when I'm alone, I cannot stop my mind from racing constantly.

While I'm embarrassed and nervous, I'm...optimistic. I'm excited for the future for the first time in a while, because if this works, I can see it being only a dramatic improvement. Even if it's not so immediate, I think it's finally the right path.

-Until tomorrow.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

My ego's like my stomach, it keeps shitting what I feed it. (Day 187)

Band - Cursive

Song - The Recluse

Album - The Ugly Organ.

I'll be posting all the lyrics to this. I dated a girl a while back, probably the most cohesive girl I've ever been with. I tend to not really be able to get into girls' I'm with music tastes. And it's usually just the music taste. And try as I might, I usually wind up trying to "open" her ears up to some stuff I think she'd like. Not just stuff I like, and fanboy about. There's method to my madness.

We always used to really get into these intense conversations about Cursive. She really helped nurture my love for this band.

Cursive was one of the first bands I got into that weren't specifically a punk band. While they had these angular moments, their sound encompasses heavily textured pop sensibilities essentially crafting a perfect indie-rock band.

And so she wound up being my girlfriend who knew all about indie music. In one of those rare, almost impossible moments I found myself entranced with her playlists. She really helped broaden my musical tastes.

When we parted ways, the song I posted above...

We still talk. And every time she hears the song, she always thinks of me. Strangely, I really agree with her. I've always related to this song, and reading the lyrics...I really understand why.

I wake alone
in a woman's room I hardly know.
I wake alone
and pretend that I am finally home.

The room is littered
with her books and notebooks
I imagine what they say, like,
"Shoo fly don't bother me."
I can hardly get myself out of the bed
for fear of never lying in this bed again.

Oh Christ, I'm not that desperate.
Oh no, oh God. I am.

How'd I end up here to begin with?
I don't know.
Why do I start what I can't finish?
Oh please don't barrage me
with the questions
to all those ugly answers.
My ego's like my stomach,
it keeps shitting what I feed it.

But maybe I don't want to finish anything anymore.
Maybe I can wait in bed 'til she comes home
and whispers,
"You're in my web now,
I've come to wrap you up tight
'til it's time to bite down."

I wake alone
in a woman's room I hardly know.
I wake alone
and pretend that I am finally home.

Years later, I got heavily involved with the local music scenes in Arizona and put on a show. It was a going away present for a friend who was going to a religious college in Oregon. I'd been with Weapon X (not the same girl as above) for quite a while, and it was a really big day for me. I'd never really done anything like organized a show before, and it was the first show this little town had ever had.

I ran across that tape today.

Seeing her and I together, holding hands. A song dedicated to she used to look at me, and to know I've not meant that to someone else in nearly three years hit me hard.

Looking at me in the tape holding her hand and kissing her on the cheek, with no clue on me that one day she'd unable to talk to me again.

I feel like that's when I peaked in life. At 20.

So I got really drunk.

I will be tomorrow. Getting an early start.

Doctors appointment. I'm also discussing with them how they feel it's time I started going to therapy.

I smell a bender.

-Until tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Yeah, I'm fucked up and I'm calling you. (Day 186)

Band - Polar Bear Club

Song - Eat Dinner, Bury the Dog and Run (With an added bonus of Hollow Place at the end of Eat Dinner...)

Album - Sometimes Things Just Disappear. It can be hear by clicking on that link, and if somehow you've slept on PBC at all, please go listen to a recorded version of the song posted today. While I really like the energy, and personally can tell how good of a band they are from this video doesn't mean anyone else can. Recorded, you can make out the vocals so much better. But the energy from this video is awesome.

The song is pretty self deprecating, honestly. That's part of its allure to me. I had just started getting into the Polar Bear Club a few months ago, literally to the day/night when things kind of went to the shit for me. So the attachment I've grown to this band over the past few months has been stronger and stronger each time I've listened to them.

Going through their lyrics, and I mean this in the least narcissistic way possible, but the way he's writing songs is the same way I go about it. It's more or less vague without being vague, I don't know.

It's hard for music to actually elicit a visceral reaction from me, most of the time it's burrowing itself deep down, up in them guts. But this punctures where nothing else really can.

I've had a hard time really figuring out who I want to be. All I know is I want this cycle of losing to end, and damn it...I'm really trying. But nothing really seems to work out for me. Just to find or do something to break this repetition. I get angrier quicker, I'm more withdrawn and I just don't care to make any connections anymore. Whats the point? "Sometimes things just disappear", right? So why try to build anything of substance? Even rocks eventually erode, and all that's left is sediment carried away. Pieces of you gone by the wayside.

It's driving me out of my mind.

-Until tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Another member of the crowd goes down to drown at the liquor store. (Day 185)

Band - Operation Ivy

Song - The Crowd

Album - Energy.

I'm approaching, or have already surpassed half a year on this blog. That's kind of interesting.

It's interesting seeing as how I'm still having the same exact problems I've been having since day one with them, and it's beyond frustrating today. I nearly just quit. I'm not sure how much more I can honestly take of this.

The appeal of getting a job in some city far away from Arizona, and everything else is just overwhelming. Everyday I extend my job search just a little further. Everyday I get just a little bit more in love with the idea of packing up and not worrying about any of this anymore, and just shutting off everything behind me.

It worries me that I'm back in this mind frame. It's the same mind frame that put me on a plane to Albany, NY way back then.

I wish I knew what route to take at this point in my life. It'd be a lot easier if I had something or someone to really occupy my time on a semi-regular basis. I don't like how reclusive I'm getting.

Any real suggestions?

-Until tomorrow.

Reaching out for some kind of connection. (Day 184)

I bid farewell to one of my favorite drummers Warren Oakes, who has decided to leave Against Me! What I always liked about his drummer is that while it was never super fancy, he just kept the tempo. I always liked that. It's that very reason why I don't like Travis Barker. He always has to toss in unnecessary fills to stand out above music that, lets face it, isn't all that complicated. It's too show offy. Not saying he isn't talented, because he clearly is. It just doesn't seem to really fit into a band that's made a career out of a simplistic approach.

So today's lyrics come from Against Me's song, New Wave off of the album with the same name.

So this past weekend, I didn't get to go see the Menzingers and I'm pretty bummed. I did however attend a very informal Mexican wedding, and wound up eating goat. I feel so guilty having eaten Lambchops boyfriend, but lets be honest...he was a loser anyway.

That's all I've got for tonight. Tomorrows update will be much better.

-Until tomorrow.