Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding. (Day 188)

If you don't know this...I mean, come on. Where the hell have you been?

Band - Harvey Danger (recently broken up!)

Song - Flagpole Sitta

Album - Where Have All the Merrymakers Gone?



After a very annoying delay with my doctors (try oh...four hours) I went and saw a new doctor. Today was the first time I've actually had face to face time with anyone there, and shockingly...it felt different. I didn't feel pressured to be in and out in 15 minutes, he sat and asked all my questions, and tackled my concerns. While his accent is a bit thick to understand at times, it's the very first time I've actually ever felt comfortable in this place.

He decided that since I'd maxed out the dosage of Pristiq, which...I want to make this known real quick. I'm a heavy advocate of this particular anti-depressant. It works fast, and it's not at all intimidating like some anti depressants can be, because it works so quickly and because even though it works quickly and you notice it, it doesn't at all overwhelm you. For me, my personal experience with Pristiq is that I was very grateful to've taken that first because of how effective it is, and how gradual it feels, even though it's quick. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

However, I do not take it anymore. As of tomorrow I will be starting a new anti depressant, Cymbalta.

The reason for the switch is, with any medication I've ever taken I can pretty much know right from the beginning that this isn't something that's going to be with me forever. I get immune quickly, and have to either up the dosage, or switch a medication completely. Tylenol hasn't been effective for me since I was 9.

I do have concerns about taking Cymbalta. I do. I've heard of some unpleasant side effects from people I personally know.

But what frightens me a bit more is, and I apologize I don't have the list in front of me at the moment, is that I will be taking a heavy hitter of an anxiety medication. Three times a day.

I've noticed the effects that anxiety has taken on me recently. I don't sleep, my eating habits are erratic, I'm becoming extremely reclusive and physically I can see more and more gray hair on my head.

I don't want to be one of those people that can't handle life. But I do understand like, it's a chemical issue inside of me. It's inherited. A lot of things that've happened in my life have really helped it grow, but overall...I still feel weak.

I feel weak and embarrassed that three times a day I have to take a medication for anxiety, and I'm only 23.

So often I feel like I can handle these rough situations, just as long as they don't really focus on myself. I feel like I can thrive in tougher predicaments. But when it comes down to it, when I'm alone, I cannot stop my mind from racing constantly.

While I'm embarrassed and nervous, I'm...optimistic. I'm excited for the future for the first time in a while, because if this works, I can see it being only a dramatic improvement. Even if it's not so immediate, I think it's finally the right path.

-Until tomorrow.