My ego's like my stomach, it keeps shitting what I feed it. (Day 187)

Band - Cursive

Song - The Recluse

Album - The Ugly Organ.




I'll be posting all the lyrics to this. I dated a girl a while back, probably the most cohesive girl I've ever been with. I tend to not really be able to get into girls' I'm with music tastes. And it's usually just the music taste. And try as I might, I usually wind up trying to "open" her ears up to some stuff I think she'd like. Not just stuff I like, and fanboy about. There's method to my madness.

We always used to really get into these intense conversations about Cursive. She really helped nurture my love for this band.

Cursive was one of the first bands I got into that weren't specifically a punk band. While they had these angular moments, their sound encompasses heavily textured pop sensibilities essentially crafting a perfect indie-rock band.

And so she wound up being my girlfriend who knew all about indie music. In one of those rare, almost impossible moments I found myself entranced with her playlists. She really helped broaden my musical tastes.

When we parted ways, the song I posted above...

We still talk. And every time she hears the song, she always thinks of me. Strangely, I really agree with her. I've always related to this song, and reading the lyrics...I really understand why.

I wake alone
in a woman's room I hardly know.
I wake alone
and pretend that I am finally home.

The room is littered
with her books and notebooks
I imagine what they say, like,
"Shoo fly don't bother me."
I can hardly get myself out of the bed
for fear of never lying in this bed again.

Oh Christ, I'm not that desperate.
Oh no, oh God. I am.

How'd I end up here to begin with?
I don't know.
Why do I start what I can't finish?
Oh please don't barrage me
with the questions
to all those ugly answers.
My ego's like my stomach,
it keeps shitting what I feed it.

But maybe I don't want to finish anything anymore.
Maybe I can wait in bed 'til she comes home
and whispers,
"You're in my web now,
I've come to wrap you up tight
'til it's time to bite down."

I wake alone
in a woman's room I hardly know.
I wake alone
and pretend that I am finally home.

Years later, I got heavily involved with the local music scenes in Arizona and put on a show. It was a going away present for a friend who was going to a religious college in Oregon. I'd been with Weapon X (not the same girl as above) for quite a while, and it was a really big day for me. I'd never really done anything like organized a show before, and it was the first show this little town had ever had.

I ran across that tape today.

Seeing her and I together, holding hands. A song dedicated to us...how she used to look at me, and to know I've not meant that to someone else in nearly three years hit me hard.

Looking at me in the tape holding her hand and kissing her on the cheek, with no clue on me that one day she'd unable to talk to me again.

I feel like that's when I peaked in life. At 20.

So I got really drunk.

I will be tomorrow. Getting an early start.

Doctors appointment. I'm also discussing with them how they feel it's time I started going to therapy.


I smell a bender.

-Until tomorrow.