Saturday, April 25, 2009

A middle of the road opinion that no one finds offensive or challenging? I'm not interested. (Day 142)

Big thank you to Ryan last night. I just was too intoxicated to really form words. It's a lot like now, except like...I had an excuse last night. Most of the time I just suck.

I'm in the midst of finding myself. I've never paid attention to that before, honestly. I mean me, and where I was going. I don't like dealing with personal or emotional matters dealing with me, which honestly might be why I'm bat-shit insane.

I'm learning that I have patience. I've known all along I've had that, but there's depths and levels to that now, instead of just enduring and enduring. I've learned to identify what my breaking point is, and I've discovered that the second I reach that point, I'm no longer interested in working anything out pertaining to that situation.

I reached my breaking point not long ago with a certain aspect, and to be honest I feel like what's left, the damage done and what I've left a lot. I don't think I'm ever going to be the same again. I don't know if I've got anything left to give, all.

One thing I've always been proud of about myself, that I've liked, is that I do have that ability to be forthright and honest and say what's on my mind. The problem I have with nearly every one of my relationships in my life is that I don't truly feel I get that same respect or candor back. I don't get that confrontational honesty, and that's something I crave.

It's quite fitting, the lyrics I chose today. They are from a song by Against Me! who, I mean is basically the greatest pure rock band going today. The song is called Piss and Vinegar, which...I might remember some socio-politico blog I started with the same name.

I'm at that stage now though, where unless someone can handle me calling them on their shit, and vice versa (which is as equally important) I've realized I can't respect them. Liking someone and respecting them is a monumental difference. But if I can't respect you on a level, if I can't look at you eye to eye and just have that feeling of mutual respect, then chances are I can't invest my time within you. I'm tired of getting hurt by people who I don't respect.

Chances are, if I can't respect you, I'll never care to earn yours. And that's fine if I never earn anothers persons, or if I never have. I'd rather not have anyone at all, then be surrounded by people I disrespect and am slightly disgusted by. I could respect someone who hated my guts but said what they were thinking, than respect someone whom I was "close" with who bit their tongue because of my "feelings." Fuck that, and fuck you if that's the case, you know?

I'm not better than anyone, and vice versa. I'm sick to fucking death of over-inflated ego's over absolutely nothing of consequence. I don't have time for it. If you're that important, then I don't 'deserve' to be in such a high and mighty person's presence.

Please, say what you're really thinking.

-Until tomorrow.

Friday, April 24, 2009

We fell so hard to the fighting side, I fear that it quickens the fight in us to die. (Day 141)

Aha! Just when you thought you could get rid of me I have returned, resurrected like Jesus to plague you all with my silly metaphors and incessant ramblings. Yes, it is I, Ryan filling in for Hale, who apparently has the sniffles, or syphilis or something. The phone was static-y, it was difficult to hear exactly what it is that went wrong, so its up to me to step to the plate and keep you all informed with a heaping, steaming dollop of the now.

Before I go any further with my own personal ramblings, for anyone who's followed my blog/writings at all, I have a special project I've begun working on that I think you might like. Once everything is complete I think you guys are gonna like it, I've been extremely excited about unveiling it since I thought it up at about ten o'clock this morning.

I've been feeling out of sorts as of late, which is always a perilous path to be walking in my case because I've never quite decided what exactly constituted as "in sorts", but I know for a fact that things have been different. There are days where I forget to take my medication, which has quite the toll on my body, as I've quickly realized. It makes me wonder exactly how fragile a human body and mind can really be.

For instance, someone on anti-depressants, who takes it consistently and has it regulated in his/her bloodstream becomes, internally, a different person. They might have the same personality, quirks and all, but there are chemicals being implanted into the system causing a shift in mood and behaviour, a feeling that is not unlike being controlled. There are days where I feel like a puppet on a string and I don't think I'm alone on that thought.

Now cut those strings. Stop taking the medication for a few days and see what happens. There might not be a noticeable difference at first, but wait for something to trigger you and watch the avalanche crumble. Thoughts and feelings that haven't occurred to me in months have come rushing back bigger and more menacing then ever.

Isolation, awkwardness, sadness bordering states of depression. It's heavy shit, man.

Where was I going with this.... oh yes! Okay, so it makes me think if I'm the only person who is like this. Surely I'd be a fool if I allowed that notion to that precedence, amirite? Then it begs the question, are we all so easily broken? Can we manipulate our bodies so much to the point where we can be the stark idea of "perfection" with a handful of pick me ups?

I've been listening to the album "mercy" by planesmistakenforstars a lot as of late and some of their lyrics have really hit home with this kind of thinking.

We pull ourselves in, we throw ourselves back.
You're begging for better, you're shifting back.
I'm pissing red, I'm hacking black

Sometimes I feel like we're fighting against our bodies, trying to bend it and shape it to our own wills and desires and if we let up, for even a second, it begins to fight back.

Just something I've noticed.

Tomorrow you should most likely return to your reguarly viewed DGB. If you have any thoughts on this subject and want to talk with me about it, feel free to email me at:

- Ryan

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Desperation is a reason to live...and this makes a heart beat. (Day 140)

A few days ago I posted a blog about recent changes in my life, etc.

To start off, I feel like I should fully explain why it is that this blog exists. I realize that I do get off subject every once in a while, but I do try hard to still keep in the spirit of things.

Months ago I came to the end. It was a do or die type of situation quite literally. To the left of me was a bottle full of pills and to the right of me was a telephone with my insurance card sitting on the caller ID. The card has a behavioral health number at the bottom.

For about half an hour I just back and forthed it. I couldn't really see any cons with either decision, and eventually I dialed that number, and started to get help.

It destroys me to think there are people right now in that same situation, who might not be as fortunate as I am to have an insurance card, esp. one with that much emphasis on mental clarity. I wish there was something I could say or do to show someone it'll be all right.

Desperation can be an ugly, or beautiful thing. A few days ago it was 4/20 (put down the bong, hippies). But besides being a celebrated day for the consumption of sticky icky (oooh wee!) it was also Adolf Hitler's birthday, and the tenth anniversary of Columbine.

Desperation can lead to genocide and holocausts--desperation can lead to 13 students and a teacher to lose their lives, and two troubled individuals ending theirs. It can lead to millions scarred forever.

But desperation can be beautiful. It can spawn someone to try every day to find a new hope, to help themselves or others cast off their burdens. That's the true definition of freedom in my book--hope, and to live without fear.

Desperation has led me to decide that if I scrap the funds together, next summer I will be living in Europe (all around). To write, explore, and chase some stupid dream. I don't want to live in fear anymore.

So who knows what comes next?

-Until tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

For all the drugs that I've done - yo I'm still gon' do To all the people I've offended - yeah fuck you too. (Day 139)

I want to find a new publisher. If anyone out there knows a proper way about going to get one, please let me know. I really want to get the ball rolling, and I really feel it's time to take this kind of a chance.

A few days ago I was sitting here, doing whatever...being unemployed, stuff like that. There was a knock on and there was a guy selling water. You know those guys that sell 'em, right? With the water cooler, etc.

Well we got to talking, and the next thing I know he's giving me a few free samples. Truthfully, I'm not gonna turn down a free bottle of water. It's pretty close to all I drink besides alcohol and cranberry juice and Gatorade.

Obviously I have no money. When he tries to seal the deal, I tell him I'll pass the information on. As I go to step inside, he gets this hurt and offended look in his eyes, "I'm sorry...did I do something wrong? I thought we had something going on here."

I was kind of dumbfounded. I felt bad, to be honest. I feel like I just dumped or something.

And I got to thinking. I tend to offend some people, and I think being offended is something that's a funny human reaction. Sometimes its warranted, being offended, but most of the time I think it's just egos being inflated and then somewhat deflated. I'm not sure what I'm getting at, but I'll let you know as soon as I can.

Pride is funny. It's a double edged sword. It's good in some situations, and other's all of our downfalls. Myself included.

Some one told me the other day that children are never products of their parents outside of the physical attributes and birthing process. That children, and all of us essentially, belong to life itself. I'm not sure what I think about that, but I tend to disagree. But I would really like to know what you think.

-Until tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Failures always sounded better, let's fuck it up boys--MAKE SOME NOISE! (Day 139)

I feel completely rested.

That's one thing that's always been a constant. Not feeling rested, but rather always dealing with waking up exhausted and trying to squeeze a little bit more sleep out of it, but that always comes up snakes eyes.

My entire life, no matter what mind always happens.

And the only way this ever really goes away, is if circumstances of a less than reputable nature dig their talons firmly in the night before.

Sometimes I only drink in excess as much as I can so I can sleep. Sleeping pills don't work for me, at all, and I take some pretty high doses of some really heavy hitters. Ambien just tickles.

Most of the time, when I'm trying to go to sleep, I keep feeling and thinking that I'm missing something, or that that particular moment is the one I need to capitalize upon to start right now. When I wake up, that feelings gone and I try as hard as I can to get that back.

I blew my knee out again yesterday.

Ironic, given the subject of the prior blog, ha.

But it gets so fucking frustrating. I can't keep letting this happen to me.

When I was younger I had a lot of back issues, and they still are a reoccurring factor in my life. But I always used to have to wear this back brace as a result of it. I stopped wearing it one day, because a second grader who's having a difficult time making friends really doesn't need the help from back braces. Kids used to sneak up behind me and punch me as hard as they could in the back to see if I could feel it. Granted, that's pretty funny the first couple of a dozen times a day, but it really starts to wear thin. Never mind the fact that I also had braces inside of my shoes...

Point being, I now have a brace for my knee. It's a heavy duty one, and every morning I look at it, and I just can't bring myself to put it on. I can't stop thinking about what the last experience was like, and this one is's got steel joints that protrude like I'm some kind of bionic kid, or something. I hate it, with the depths of my being.

So I'm surprised I slept so well last night.

"I'm glad I didn't die before I met you."

-Until tomorrow.

Monday, April 20, 2009

I love you more than the stars in the sky. (Day 138)

I guess I'm gonna break a few things here I haven't really talked about lately.

I've been looking for a job and a place to live. The places I've been looking have been NorCal, some SoCal (picky as hell on this one) Tempe/Valley (Arizona) and Texas.

It's kind of funny that Texas wound up on that list. Cowboys, Republicans and humidity. But honestly, when I think about, I think it just sounds like a lot of fun.

I want to get into a position where I can make some money, and allow myself the creative free time to write, as well as do college too.

Even though it was highly panned here, I wound up starting a Twitter account, solely for the purposes of feuding with someone. Feuds are fun, and it's basically just used for schtick. It's nothing done except for the purpose of having some fun and slinging some jokes. I'm trying not to be all stuck up assholey all the time.

Which, it's funny too. Everything I thought I'd hate, and I mean EVERYTHING, when I do turns out to be a lot more fun than I could have anticipated. You know?

I've been doing a lot of writing on the book (it was once titled A Positive Rage) now it's called Anthems From the Basement Floor. I'm having so much fun with it. This is the way doing anything that's remotely 'creative' or whatever should be. I mean, I understand there are times when the emotion behind it doesn't really reflect that which is fine, but you have to really not take yourself, or whatever it is your doing too seriously, which...thankfully is something I've never done. So, you know.

I'll be having knee surgery sometime here in the nearish future. Or I should be. I actually haven't fully made up my mind on that, actually. See, the way I look at it is that it hurts like hell now. Truth be told, it's probably going to hurt forever. That's just the way the body works. I can't even begin to list the things that have hurt my entire life, and I've just learned how to make the best of it. I mean, worst case scenarion my knee and shoulder and back lock up (the big three offenders) and I just have to take an extra moment trying to beat feeling back into them. Well, feeling that isn't just pain. Like...blood flow.

I know, I know. It sounds ridiculous not to get the surgery. But the way I look at it is...the last time I had one of the surgeries that I need to get, it took four-five months to get to where I could walk without my leg wanting to seemingly just crumble on me. It took months before it regained any strength whatsoever...

Now this time around, there's a laundry list of issues with it that I truly don't feel like dealing with, honestly. It's gonna take up too much time, and right now it's...useable. I can use it.

Don't even get me started on my shoulder, though. Ha.

So I don't know. There's a few other things, but I can't remember them right now. Oh well, there's always....

-Until tomorrow.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

We were shootin' at a mound of dir, well nothing was broken, nothing was hurt. (Day 137)

In keeping with the theme of this blog, which is about the mental condition, and coinciding with me talking about albums that I think you should listen too (and could change your life) the album I'll be talking about today symbolizes ten fold, what I feel is nothing short of a full mental collapse.

On April 6th, 2004 Modest Mouse released their eponymous album, Good News For People Who Love Bad News. With their lead off hit single, Float On, I think Modest Mouse immediately exceeded any and all expectations, as well as proved that they could be that band; A band that could contend with anyone else on the major stage, and that the world was literally theirs for the taking.

With the follow up single, Ocean Breathes Salty, any lingering doubts that they were a one trick pony only capable of a modest (sorry) hit. It truly proved that they had potential to expand their fan base, as well as their capabilities that weren't previously something they could realistically afford before.

But every song off of this album is a like taping yourself to a giant yo-yo. Each song itself bounces back and forth between moments of near chaotic calamity, to a falsely lulling moment of reprieve. Not many vocalists have the capabilities that front man Issac Brock has; He truly uses his voice as yet another weapon of instrumentation in Modest Mouses now signature wall of sound approach.

There are so many nuances buried within this album that it practically begs to be listened too on repeat hundreds of times. And even after that much time spent with the album, there's really a good chance that you'll never even scratch the surface of what's hidden within this album. Modest Mouse have mastered the theory of making intricacy seem so effortless that you almost don't notice that there's nearly an orchestra's worth of musicianship woven into the thread of each song.

From one moment your lulled into a calm and almost serene feelings, and the next...just as you get comfortable with where you're at a foot of sonic abrasion kicks you in teeth.

I feel it in my back, almost, if that makes any sense. In the back of my shoulder blades. The emotion dripping from Brock's throat. It truly feels to me like every moment of this album is a testimony to mania and bi-polar disorder in it's fullest. Unabashedly and without remorse, Modest Mouse dance so close to the brink of full on insanity that they actually dangle their feet over the edge and into the water, and then pull back just before the toes begin to prune.

Good News... is nothing short of a masterpiece, employing banjos, ukulele's, organs and a plethora of other instruments not necessarily thought of when creating a rock album. But they do so without ever coming off as pretentious. You almost get the feeling that while each, and every one of the members of Modest Mouse are nearly certifiably insane, they did their best to prove perfection to themselves in the most humble of manners. Instead of trying to right basic pop songs (which, don't get me wrong, Modest Mouse do in fact write brilliant pop songs, I don't think they ever couldn't. They spent too much time with the Smiths and Neutral Milk Hotel albums to not be able to craft pop song) they stretch the limits of not only creativity, but ingenuity and imagination. They never try to cram a hit down your throat, but rather toss the shiny lure into the murky water that is the landscape of modern day music, and attract you with the glisten of something different. It's something you can't quite put your finger on, but before you know it even you're beginning to think you yourself were laying on the carpet like you were satin in a coffin.

I think what gets me the most, especially about Modest Mouse, is that above their musicianship which is...nearly unparalleled, is their ability to actually write lyrics. With nods to Charles Bukowki (see the song...Bukowski) Brock really does show that he's no slouch himself when it comes to dancing around a pen. At times it almost comes across like the near-ramblings of a mad-man (see the end of Bury Me With It for a good example). Coupled with his emotive vocals that seem to fit every single syllable as perfectly as a glove, they stand head and shoulders over most bands, and prominently punctuate themselves as a bad on substance in a time when bands like Fall Out Boy seem to nearly exist to get girls panties wet.

This is an album I listened too religiously, and still continue to do so. But when I lived in Albany, New York every moment felt like I was about have a complete shut down of all my mental facalties. But to hear someone else just be as open and free, and using what obviously (at least to me) comes across as a constant manic episode, it calmed me down and made me more comfortable with myself.

I truly hope if you haven't picked up this album that you do yourself a favor and check it out.

God bless Modest Mouse. I agree...I'm done with all the fuck-fuck-fucking around, too.


1 Horn Intro
2 The World At Large
3 Float On
4 Ocean Breathes Salty
5 Dig Your Grave
6 Bury Me With It
7 Dance Hall
8 Bukowski
9 This Devil's Workday
10 The View
11 Satin In A Coffin
12 Interlude (Milo)
13 Blame It On The Tetons
14 Black Cadillacs
15 One Chance
16 The Good Times Are Killing Me

-Until tomorrow.