Big thank you to Ryan last night. I just was too intoxicated to really form words. It's a lot like now, except like...I had an excuse last night. Most of the time I just suck.
I'm in the midst of finding myself. I've never paid attention to that before, honestly. I mean me, and where I was going. I don't like dealing with personal or emotional matters dealing with me, which honestly might be why I'm bat-shit insane.
I'm learning that I have patience. I've known all along I've had that, but there's depths and levels to that now, instead of just enduring and enduring. I've learned to identify what my breaking point is, and I've discovered that the second I reach that point, I'm no longer interested in working anything out pertaining to that situation.
I reached my breaking point not long ago with a certain aspect, and to be honest I feel like what's left, the damage done and what I've left behind...is a lot. I don't think I'm ever going to be the same again. I don't know if I've got anything left to give, like..at all.
One thing I've always been proud of about myself, that I've liked, is that I do have that ability to be forthright and honest and say what's on my mind. The problem I have with nearly every one of my relationships in my life is that I don't truly feel I get that same respect or candor back. I don't get that confrontational honesty, and that's something I crave.
It's quite fitting, the lyrics I chose today. They are from a song by Against Me! who, I mean is basically the greatest pure rock band going today. The song is called Piss and Vinegar, which...I might remember some socio-politico blog I started with the same name.
I'm at that stage now though, where unless someone can handle me calling them on their shit, and vice versa (which is as equally important) I've realized I can't respect them. Liking someone and respecting them is a monumental difference. But if I can't respect you on a level, if I can't look at you eye to eye and just have that feeling of mutual respect, then chances are I can't invest my time within you. I'm tired of getting hurt by people who I don't respect.
Chances are, if I can't respect you, I'll never care to earn yours. And that's fine if I never earn anothers persons, or if I never have. I'd rather not have anyone at all, then be surrounded by people I disrespect and am slightly disgusted by. I could respect someone who hated my guts but said what they were thinking, than respect someone whom I was "close" with who bit their tongue because of my "feelings." Fuck that, and fuck you if that's the case, you know?
I'm not better than anyone, and vice versa. I'm sick to fucking death of over-inflated ego's over absolutely nothing of consequence. I don't have time for it. If you're that important, then I don't 'deserve' to be in such a high and mighty person's presence.
Please, say what you're really thinking.
-Until tomorrow.
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1 comment:
I wouldn't say I'm a completely plain speaking person but I do think that I say what I really mean/think/feel. I can 100% vibe with you on the importance of that Aaron.
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