We fell so hard to the fighting side, I fear that it quickens the fight in us to die. (Day 141)

Aha! Just when you thought you could get rid of me I have returned, resurrected like Jesus to plague you all with my silly metaphors and incessant ramblings. Yes, it is I, Ryan filling in for Hale, who apparently has the sniffles, or syphilis or something. The phone was static-y, it was difficult to hear exactly what it is that went wrong, so its up to me to step to the plate and keep you all informed with a heaping, steaming dollop of the now.

Before I go any further with my own personal ramblings, for anyone who's followed my blog/writings at all, I have a special project I've begun working on that I think you might like. Once everything is complete I think you guys are gonna like it, I've been extremely excited about unveiling it since I thought it up at about ten o'clock this morning.

I've been feeling out of sorts as of late, which is always a perilous path to be walking in my case because I've never quite decided what exactly constituted as "in sorts", but I know for a fact that things have been different. There are days where I forget to take my medication, which has quite the toll on my body, as I've quickly realized. It makes me wonder exactly how fragile a human body and mind can really be.

For instance, someone on anti-depressants, who takes it consistently and has it regulated in his/her bloodstream becomes, internally, a different person. They might have the same personality, quirks and all, but there are chemicals being implanted into the system causing a shift in mood and behaviour, a feeling that is not unlike being controlled. There are days where I feel like a puppet on a string and I don't think I'm alone on that thought.

Now cut those strings. Stop taking the medication for a few days and see what happens. There might not be a noticeable difference at first, but wait for something to trigger you and watch the avalanche crumble. Thoughts and feelings that haven't occurred to me in months have come rushing back bigger and more menacing then ever.

Isolation, awkwardness, sadness bordering states of depression. It's heavy shit, man.

Where was I going with this.... oh yes! Okay, so it makes me think if I'm the only person who is like this. Surely I'd be a fool if I allowed that notion to that precedence, amirite? Then it begs the question, are we all so easily broken? Can we manipulate our bodies so much to the point where we can be the stark idea of "perfection" with a handful of pick me ups?

I've been listening to the album "mercy" by planesmistakenforstars a lot as of late and some of their lyrics have really hit home with this kind of thinking.

We pull ourselves in, we throw ourselves back.
You're begging for better, you're shifting back.
I'm pissing red, I'm hacking black.

Sometimes I feel like we're fighting against our bodies, trying to bend it and shape it to our own wills and desires and if we let up, for even a second, it begins to fight back.

Just something I've noticed.

Tomorrow you should most likely return to your reguarly viewed DGB. If you have any thoughts on this subject and want to talk with me about it, feel free to email me at: allthe_stars_arefixed_upin_thesky@hotmail.com

- Ryan