Desperation is a reason to live...and this makes a heart beat. (Day 140)

A few days ago I posted a blog about recent changes in my life, etc.

To start off, I feel like I should fully explain why it is that this blog exists. I realize that I do get off subject every once in a while, but I do try hard to still keep in the spirit of things.

Months ago I came to the end. It was a do or die type of situation quite literally. To the left of me was a bottle full of pills and to the right of me was a telephone with my insurance card sitting on the caller ID. The card has a behavioral health number at the bottom.

For about half an hour I just back and forthed it. I couldn't really see any cons with either decision, and eventually I dialed that number, and started to get help.

It destroys me to think there are people right now in that same situation, who might not be as fortunate as I am to have an insurance card, esp. one with that much emphasis on mental clarity. I wish there was something I could say or do to show someone it'll be all right.

Desperation can be an ugly, or beautiful thing. A few days ago it was 4/20 (put down the bong, hippies). But besides being a celebrated day for the consumption of sticky icky (oooh wee!) it was also Adolf Hitler's birthday, and the tenth anniversary of Columbine.

Desperation can lead to genocide and holocausts--desperation can lead to 13 students and a teacher to lose their lives, and two troubled individuals ending theirs. It can lead to millions scarred forever.

But desperation can be beautiful. It can spawn someone to try every day to find a new hope, to help themselves or others cast off their burdens. That's the true definition of freedom in my book--hope, and to live without fear.

Desperation has led me to decide that if I scrap the funds together, next summer I will be living in Europe (all around). To write, explore, and chase some stupid dream. I don't want to live in fear anymore.

So who knows what comes next?

-Until tomorrow.