That's great, it starts with an earthquake. (Day 131)

It's time I spend some time alone, and I feel fine!

It's time that I got moving on. In a lot of the sense of the word, and God it kind of hurts to really say that. But walking away is really all I know. I've spent the past two years fortifying friendships I've had for years (and nothing could ever end those) and making new, amazing close friends. But I'm cavalier. In every sense of the word, and those friendships I've made in the past years...they mean the absolute world to me.

Which is why it sucks so much to just lay down your cards and walk away.

I just don't have anything left. You know that Rise Against song, "Give it All"? I know it's more political than anything, about giving everything of yourself to a cause and effect, etc. But people always attach their own meanings to songs, and I guess for me that song has always represented social politics more than anything. Giving it all to those you love, and even those you don't. Be the change you want to see in the world, no matter the cost.

And I truly feel that I have done the best I could. I'm not saying I made an impact on anyones life, and that's not the point at all anyway. I know I haven't changed anything whatsoever, or made an impact on the slightest. That's never been my aim. I just want to be myself, and not burden anyone with anymore of the stigma that unfortunately comes along with human interaction.

But recently I've become nothing but a burden, and I feel like a complete poison. I've always felt like a poison. The thing is, I'm the type of person who would graciously bow out of any equation if it meant others having a modicum of happiness in their routine.

And now it's time that I got moving on. Those closest to me, those who I played an active role in their lives, I feel like I'm that equation that shouldn't be. I never fit in anyway, so there's absolutely no loss whatsoever.

I feel in my heart they are very grateful and relieved for me to take a limited role in their lives. It's going to make things so much easier. Plus I was always a boring drinking partner.

"Rock bottoms where we live, and still we dig these trenches."

I wanted my chance, I got it, and I squandered it.

So for those who this update is dedicated too, you know who you are exactly. We won't even pretend this is ambiguous at all. We all knew this was coming last night in my drive way, and we all know it's probably for the best.

I'm sorry entirely. From start to finish/beginning to the end. I'm a shitty person, and I tried to warn you all along.

Enjoy your vacation. I'm proud of you guys. I'm glad two people made it out of the muck, mire and bullshit in life. Staring up from the bottom rung, I can honestly say I'm proud to've not only known you, but that the two of you found what you were looking for. I'm happy, in a bittersweet way, to have at least seen it happen first happen.

I love you so very much. Both of you. More than you'll ever, ever know.

As for me, I finally understand the Against Me! song, "Slurring the Rhythms", especially the line "we're never going home."

I just don't have anything left to give. Trust me, I'm completely forgettable anyway.

I'm just running on empty.

"I'm about to find out how many miles you can log on a broken heart, and half a tank."

For the rest of you guys, I'm coming at you angry, sexy and fast. I'm staying pissed, and proud of it. I'm taking a short break after I finish writing this book I'm working on, which I still can't decide which title I like better, "A Positive Rage" or "Anthems From a Basement Floor". It's about a traveling band, as told through the eyes of the lead singer. I really like it so far, I don't know if anyone else will...but whatever. I'm fucking up, but who's looking?

But I'm gonna keep pushing, keep writing, keep running, and I'm not stopping. Ever. Even if it leaves me destitute and homeless. That's the price I'm willing to pay, and I don't care if I never become famous. I've never done anything for myself. It's my turn to look out for number one for once.

I look forward to meeting you guys.

I'm never going home.

Give it All.





-Until tomorrow.