A funeral for myself, someone tell my crying mother her son is in a better place now. (Day 26)

I'm so stoned right now, the biblical era just emailed me and asked me for permission to use my likeness in a book.

I woke up this morning having to piss like I've honestly never had to in my life before. So I peed, and right as soon as I was done doing my business, I felt like I had to pee again and thought nothing of it.

As my Dad and I went to go get the mail (our PO Box is on the other side of existence) I started to get these rolling waves of sharp, shooting pain in my groin. As soon as we stopped, I went to urinate again, when I discovered it wasn't pee I was expelling; it was blood.

Now, I'm not a fancy learned doctor. No, no. I hate to give that impression, but I was fairly certain of two things: One) boys don't get periods, and two) peeing blood isn't exactly...good.

I spent nearly all day in the emergency room. I met some really cool people, but still...it's an emergency room. I spent 12 hours waiting to be treated, and to me thats absolutely unnecessary.

Why is modern medicine such a fucking hassle? The bills are tremendous, the process is endless...the bureaucracy of it is mind bottling and staggering. Case in point: three different interns took my blood pressure.

One was brave enough to state I had high blood pressure. My only response was the only appropriate one:

"I've been in this medical facility for nine hours, most the offices look like bombed out ER's in Fallujah, my dick feels like its going to explode, and I wish....I wish to God in heaven I had something sharp to gouge out my eyes so maybe you people would get to the dude pissing blood every five seconds a little quicker. Do you see why my BP is 1000 or infinity, sir?"

I'm usually a patient person, but within the past 48 hours anyone in the medical field has seemed like they have it out for me. Prior to me being in the ER for a grand total of 12 hours, I spent three hours in a urology department waiting to be seen. After five minutes with the glorious Doctor Fucking Zhivago, he promptly informed me there was nothing he could do for me "in good conscience" and turfed me over to the ER for another gauntlet of waiting.


But what made everything even fucking worse was that five months ago I knew I had a kidney stone. I'd had one prior, and it's not a pain you'll ever forget, especially if you're a guy. It's the male equivalent of giving birth, and thats coming straight from my doctor who's a female.

But I had an ultra sound done in October of this year, and was told there was no kidney stone.


Had the technician not been so incompetent, and preoccupied with her French Tips, she might've seen the boulder growing in my kidney, and we could've nipped this in the bud. I'm pretty sure this is a core definition of malpractice.

The kidney stone, and I don't have the full dimensions right now, I'm really stoned on Dilaudid, which is perceived to be five times stronger than Morphine.

I'm no stranger to pain medication, but this shit is the upper echelon of amazing. It was worth every bit of Hell today for it. I didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it did, and it's still rolling over me in waves of euphoria. I'm 100% certain this could end wars.

But the kidney stone itself is about double the size of the common BB.

So I get to deal with that.

I'm out for now. Early update, recap on this wonderfully shitty year.

Until tomorrow!