The lions in their cages roar at the memory of fight. (Day 23

Right now I'm anxious.

I'm anxious in wondering if theres even a point to try and become an established writer. I constantly second guess myself, and to be quite truthful...I'm scared. I'm scared to put myself out there and fail at the one thing I've always felt most happy doing.

If I somehow got published, this book of short stories I've been working on, would anyone buy it? Would anyone care?

I want to be so much more than an unemployed 23 year old wasting his life reading comic books and watching movies and just going through the motions. I wish I knew the next step to take, but unfortunately I just have no idea.

My entire youth I always wondered what I would be when I grew up. I always assumed I'd make something of myself, but now I'm here, now I'm an adult and I'm still wondering what it is I will do with myself.

I always seem to get so close to winning or overcoming, and then just fall short a fingertips reach away from that final rung. I just want to taste one victory, something to assure me all of this isn't for nothing; that theres a possibility I can succeed at something. To stand head and shoulders above others, and point proudly and happily at what I do and proclaim, "Thats mine."

It's so hard to find self-worth these days.

Why should I when every night its the same routine with no variation and nothing promising looming in the future.

I want to throw myself into my goals, and do everything while I'm still somewhat young and healthy. To leave my stamp on humanity and be able to look back it years later and smile.

I wish I was in a position where I could look back and ponder what else there was left to prove, and continue to do so.

But I'm so worried on so many spectrum's:

I could fail. Either I get published and no one ever notices it, and then I just wind up being nothing more than failed. Everything I've worked so hard for, everything I've put myself into...gone down the drain.

Or I could succeed.

I could succeed and lose touch with everyone and everything that makes me happy, and get sucked into a place where theres no one left to trust, to know, to believe in.


I don't want to be one of those sad old fuckers drinking themselves to oblivion in a bar each and every night wondering where it all went and what exactly went wrong in the process.

And whats almost worse is the idea of becoming something and finding out that what I'd worked for wasn't what I wanted when I got it.

"I'm like a dog chasing a car. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it."

The future scares the living shit out of me. Entirely. The thought of waking up one day, and not having the unity I have no with the people I love the most is like a nightmare. The only thing is, one day it's going to happen. One by one, each and every person will fade, and whats left are memories that too will eventually blur away.

Making new friends is hard on so many levels. Meeting someone, connecting with them, clicking and knowing that connection and click could very well last for the rest of our lives...the next thought I always have is...thats one more funeral I'll have to go too: thats one more broken heart that just might not mend.

With the New Year looming, I know things have to change for the better rapidly. I'm getting to old to be stuck in this young of a mindset, and its just not cute anymore.

But the next step is the hardest, and its one I wish I didn't have to take alone.

I've never felt the need to not jump both feet into the deepest end, because I know how to swim. But right now it feels like I'm falling head first into the shallow end, and I need to figure out how to twist my body properly to take the fall so it doesn't kill me.

How much longer can I put off school? How much longer can I live in worry about being rejected by the thing I've worked the hardest for?

It's going to be a long night.

Until tomorrow.