I tell your story like a thrifty book with the previous owner who highlighted the parts they liked the most. (Day 30)

First things first; Congrats to the Cardinals. It only took a decade for you to not only make it to the playoffs, but to win one. To all the media that counted them out after that car-wreck of a loss...suck it. I don't see the Cowboys anywhere near the playoffs, unless watching from their plasma TV's at home (because it's like being there, dontcha know?) counts. Which is doesn't.



It's the weirdest thing, those first few weeks to months after getting out of a relationship. Everything is completely different in your eyes, yet the reality never quite sinks in that nothing really is, in all actuality different.

I always seem to fall out of relationships around this time of year, and I've always regarded this time of year as one more dedicated to a page turning and new personal evolution. Except right now, I'm not too sure where it is I'm heading.

I want to be dedicated to something, and give it all. But I don't feel like I have that 'it' that differentiates one type of person from the other. I've never wanted to accept mediocrity from myself, but these days it's all I seem to see.

In a conversation last night I asked someone what they wanted to accomplish. And while they weren't initially sure of what they wanted to accomplish...they remained hopeful. To quote her, she said, "I hope it lives up to the hype."

And it caught me off guard. We put a lot of hope in the new year. It's a literal transition, and theres so much riding on this year for so many that I know. From medical maladies and personal tragedies, to just general bad weather for the last 12 months I can't honestly say I know one person who escaped last year unscathed with a smile on their faces.

And her saying she hoped it lived up to the hype kind of struck a chord somewhere deep down in them guts. I don't want to settle for mediocrity, and I certainly don't want to settle, period.

Every aspect of my life I've settled. Whether I've been better than what I eventually succumbed too or not remains to be seen, because so often...so many times I've sat in silence when all I wanted to do was scream. And that eats at me. I'm a person who can transition from defeat easily, but now...I can't just settle.

I've been too scared to roll the dice for anything, but continuously fantasize about where I want to be. And when I don't get there because I never even left the house I get depressed.

I can live with going down in a blaze of glory.

But I can't live without not shitting but still staying on the pot just in case.

I don't know where to start.

A few years ago I got accepted to a photography college in California, as well as a film school also in California. I instead opted out of those schools to pursue a relationship doomed from the get go because the sure thing felt so much easier. And I feel into a rut of living only to work, fuck, eat, sometimes sleep, repeat. That...thats not what I envisioned for myself as a kid, and I really think so many people also in that routine never wanted that easier.

So why do I, you, we always wind up in the situation that we as kids would never have even accepted as a palpable reason, or something even close to rational?

When I used to write for Racket, a few questions I would always ask, just for myself if not for anyone else, would be, "When you (random band) comes off the road what do you do for a living? What did you do for a living? What happens if this doesn't work out?"

And not one of them ever skipped a beat in accepting that there was any alternative. That where they were now, wayfarers blazing trails on the roads less traveled would ever come in second. One guy, who was a complete dick and shitty dude in general that I interviewed (which sucked, I'd always liked his band) answered that question in the most perfect way though, that it still astounds me that someone so ignorant could leave this kind of impression on me.

He said, "I don't give a fuck if this all comes crashing down after the show tonight. I just don't give a shit. Whats the alternative? Pick up another guitar and play in another band. This is all I know, and all I know is this. Whats waiting for me back home? I can't even call it home...I'm homeless. I don't even have an apartment."

Granted if this were a small little no-name band...but this band, and because the guys a dick they get no actual recognition, but this band is fairly popular. They've had several hit singles. And to hear he's homeless was not only disheartening and a wake up call, but inspirational.

I'm lucky to have what I have, and believe me I don't have much. And I know I could be completely happy with a pen and paper and headphones. Little else.

But I just don't jump, but I've been sticking my toes in the deep end for years. My toes are pruned beyond recognition, but for whatever reason I'm worried about getting my ear wet. Why? Because I might drown?

One day this wells going to dry up. I know that. Right now it feels like its over flowing, and nothing upsets me more within myself to know that, and not do a goddamned thing about it.

It kills me to know one day I'm going to be someones used copy of something they always wanted to check out, too.

I lost a lot of blood, sweat and tears last year. I'm not ready to be defeated so easily, either. I just wish I knew where the fuck to start. I work hard at everything I'm passionate about, I would never put out something I wasn't sure wasn't up to my (minimal, low, low standards, but standards nonetheless) standards.

I'm open for suggestions. Please feel free.

Thats all I've got. Make sure to check out Piss and Vinegar, and For Your Consideration and of course my good friend Velvet's awesome blog, Have Tumor, Will Travel (and comments are good for the soul, I promise.)

Until tomorrow!