Maybe we've outgrown the things we once loved. (Day 107)

"You're one of the most incendiary, promising and diverse writers I have ever seen. The fact that you're 23, and light years ahead of authors; established authors and writers who've spent years honing their craft, it's almost scary. It sends tingles down my spine to think of where you'll be at and what you'll be capable of when you've actually 'honed' the skills you already have in the years to come. It's more than a gift and a blessing with you--it's a downright sixth sense." - Kathleen T., anonymous publishing consultant.

Blah, blah, blah. Ha.

I began working on an actual full-length book the other day. I'd had the ideas written in these little notebooks all over my room. Late at night, I'd be asleep and get an idea...wake up, write it down (quite unintelligible--as with anything I write) wake up in the morning and wonder what I meant by "purple water dish monkey hang glider." And then scrap the idea and write about drinking. Stick with what you know, right? Worked for Bukowski, and he only had one story to tell. But he made it work, and he looked great in his desolation doing it. I guess you can have one story, but to a drunk...it's as many different stories to make the bottles collecting linty-mud on the floor.

I've been thinking so much about the five year plan. The book is a huge part of that. I'm not a gambling person, even when the odds are in my favor. But I'm starting take those risks, however miscalculated.

I have no idea what the future holds. But I'm done living day by day just to see where I'm going. I'm happy now, I'm content...but I'm hungry. I'm starving. Ever since I was a child I wanted to sink my teeth into the underbelly of the world, and try to take as big of a piece of it as I could.

The changes lately have been natural and effortless. I stopped thinking about it, it just happens. It seeming to become easier and easier to walk away from everything I once was, and not feel a tinge of regret.

Yesterday morning, and the night prior for that matter, I did something that I don't normally do. Without going into detail, I was adamant about not doing what I did yesterday night/morning while conversing with a friend. When she and I hung up, I laid there in bed for half an hour pondering why I was so adamant that I not do what was in front of me.

Finally I stopped being so resolute for a second. "It's harmless fun." And it is. "If you ever wanted to truly get away from who you are, this is one of the 'big three' and it's a step in the right direction." Well, yeah...it's true. Promiscuity isn't something I've ever really subscribed too. It's always been difficult for me because I always felt emotion should be attached. I don't know why, either. Other people do it, and don't give it a second thought. I guess I just cringe at the idea of becoming a number, but hell...that's happened a lot. "Might as well have some fun."

And then I asked myself a few very important questions/chastised my, "What're you running from? What are you scared of? Why are you so against this? You've an adult now, act like it. Stop sabotaging yourself, and stop thinking like a kid. It's time to grow up. Emotion and feeling aren't as important as you think."

What am I running from? It feels like slamming a steel door shut, when all that was closed before was a window of opportunity.

What are you scared of? Moving on, moving forward, and starting new chapters. Falling for someone new.

You're an adult now, act like it - What always perplexed me about people is how they could just shrug it off.

Stop sabotaging yourself - I do this a lot, and I'm working hard to get past it.

Emotion and feeling aren't as important as you think - No one else gives a fuck. Why should I?

So I gave in. And truth be told, it was a lot of fun.

That's one thing I've noticed in the past few years. A lot of times I pull a Costanza, and do something that feels wrong, or is something that I never thought or dreamed I would do...it turned out to be a great and memorable experience. I guess I don't know who I am anymore, because everything...my morals, my ideals--everything is now drawn into question. Maybe I'm not who you thought I was, kid...and maybe that's the best thing ever.

"Maybe we've outgrown the things we once loved."

A few years ago, if you would have told me I'd be putting this much of myself on the line with the writing, how big of a roll certain things that might be questionable would play in my life...I might have laughed.

Four years ago I was considered by many to be an alcoholic. And while I still can pack 'em away, and be the way I can while drunk, or even intoxicated (it's unheard of, ask around. It's actually quite impressive, my legacy of brew-tality) while others wouldn't even fathom of being left standing, I don't drink nearly a quarter as much as I used to.

I realized something last night. I've never had a personal conviction. Now, I do have convictions; be they political or moral or things along those lines. But in dealing with mind, body and soul...I've never had a conviction. I think it's because I've never had anything to believe in. That was until last night, and I was proud to go down swinging.

But I guess I do not know myself. Or I'm in the midst of change, and who I was is no longer applicable, and I just need to start reintroducing myself. So...here we go, I guess.

-Until tomorrow.