My whole life I've been a tourist. (Day 222)

That quote comes from Nate, JR from HBO's "Six Feet Under". I've always loved that show, I used to watch it a lot when I was growing up until we got rid of HBO, so now I'm refreshing myself on the show and then finish out the story. The writing makes me envious to a level that's probably not what many people would consider um, healthy. I'd kill for an ounce of talent, so you could only imagine the genocide I would rain down to have an increment of that talent. Of course no one would be able to enjoy it except for myself because everyone else be dead. Holes in theories for 300, Alex.

But that quote really hit me kind of hard.

Instead of just trying to apply myself towards anything, accomplish anything or search for a real meaning I've resorted to just sucking air and shitting remnants of an ego.

I've spent the past decade living out of a back pack and suitcase. I don't own very many things, let alone anything nice because I've always wanted to be ready to go at the stop of a dime. I've always kept a foot out the door, and in the words of John Cusack in the movie version of Nick Hornby's novel Hi-Fidelity, "You can't do that. That's just suicide."

I've been lucky enough to really strengthen a bond with a friend I made a little over a year ago. The past five months have been really hard for me, with very little reprieve to speak of yet this past month she's really cheered me up most days. I'm lucky. She's another one of those girls that really should never talk to me, because let's face it...I look like a rancor, I'm completely awkward, boring and dumb and I have no right whatsoever to converse with people out of my league. God bless her, she takes pity on me and has given me charity friendship anyway. I'm just waiting for the day when she yells "J/K" and runs away laughing, never to be heard from again.

It sucks she hates herself, she's better than so many people I've come across in my life simply because for better or worse no matter what, despite the outcome, she's always her. And that's amazing. Trust me, you'd be so lucky to know her.

Thank you so much, Linty.

When I was in High School one of the biggest programs offered at this particular institution of mediocre learning was JROTC. If you don't know what that is, it's a preparatory course for a career in the military. Before I get into this entirely, I want to give a short background on this city known as Casa Grande.

It's a black hole the likes of which I've never really seen before. A huge percentage of the people who reside here have always, and will always. And their progeny plan on enver leaving. Kids start families in their teens, smoke meth like it's cocaine, and really just never get past this depressing, soul sucking hump.

In JROTC the drill instructors made it a point to always tell their future kill bots that the only way out of this town was a career in the armed forces. That that was the only way, and even then that wasn't even enough. That eventually they would wind up back here, but after having seen the world they'd "realize" that this place was the best place in the world.

And my God, that depresses me to no end. And I think this whole time I've lived like a tourist because I just never wanted to feel like I had roots that were too deep, that I could uproot at any time and escape in some sort of glorious dash. I don't want to think that this is it, that this where I'm going to live for the rest of my life.

I just wish I knew for a fact that somewhere out there is something I can latch onto, that's far away from Casa Grande, far away from Pinal County, far away from the lava state known as Arizona.

I want to take that risk and leave it all up to chance. But so many people that leave here always come back. I don't want that to happen to me, and I wish I had a flux compacitor to make sure that that isn't in my cards.

But every time I've ever left, I've wound up back. And that can't happen again.

-Until tomorrow.