The spirit is willing, but the flesh is so weak I wanna kiss her lips, but I kissed her cheek. (Day 112)

Artist - Dustin Kensrue

Song - Consider the Ravens

Album - Please Come Home










I've been thinking a lot about the future holds, and what it is I might want to do with myself as far as a career goes. It's really strange, because I always think about stuff like this, and when I do in my mind I always wonder, "what am I going to be when I grow up?" And then it'll dawn on my that I'm almost 24 years old and I'm all grown up.

I talked to a friend I made not too long ago on the phone for the first time, and just talking to someone new really brought something out in me. I've always had an innate desire to meet new people.

While talking to him, he out of the blue said a few things that really struck a deep chord with me. He said that life is kind of like a fistful of sand, and the harder you try to grip the sand the more will fall out of your hands, but the lighter you try and hold it, invariably the more sand you'll be able to hold because you've got more versatility.

He said that you can plan and plan and plan, but if all you do is focus on just whats in the docket you've written for yourself, the more you stand to lose hope when things don't go exactly to plan, or you get so burned out on it that you just don't care anymore.

He told me, and he doesn't know too much about me, but he told me that in order to get anywhere, to obtain any kind of happiness in life that I'd need to move on.

I've been working on my life better lately, because for the last six years I've basically sat in a state of purgatory because I was so....you know, I don't know what I was.

The last week I was in high school I saw so many girls pregnant, and so many kids acting so phony. They would be smiling, but their body language just screamed identity crisis. I mean, I guess how many people really know who they are when there's such a heavy mix of hormones coursing and you're going through all these changes?

But in a very Holden Caulfield way, I just got so sick of people that were so obviously phonies.

So I walked away and never looked back. I've never looked back, and I've never once regretted that for even a moment.

Now I'm going to be in college, and I realize that those four years were a waste of my life. That this past decade has been a waste of my life. And that's been my choice because I'm so scared to make a move because I might fail. I probably will fail.

Risks scare me, but I always act so impulsively on things that in the end really only give me a story that no one really cares to hear. But things that would benefit me...I just don't want to fall even further, and I have no idea how to dig myself out.

But hearing those words from someone who, for all intents and purposes, is a complete stranger tell me things I've heard from people all my life but only felt that they had to say because they're family or close friends...it felt different.

I have no idea what I'm going to do when I go to school. None whatsoever. I know why I'm going, because I absolutely have no more time to waste, but...I have no idea what I'm going for. I keep getting told that something will click. But in my heart I just don't feel like that'll happen.

And I realized it's time to just settle, because settling works. It's time to grow up and give up on those silly dreams and be realistic towards my future, and just take what I can get. And maybe it won't be so bad.

-Until tomorrow.