You traded all my imperfections for directions to a party across town. You bring the house down. (Day 206)

Artist - Alkaline Trio

Song - Burned Is the House

Album - Agony and Irony (Deluxe Edition)







Happy Fourth of July. I hope everyone stayed safe.

Me on the other hand, I got a concussion and a headwound. Hooray for tripping over a bathroom rug and going head to head with a steel plate. I'd like to say I won, but I'd be a filthy liar. The blood is a testament to that.

I've discovered the best cure for a concussion is drinking alone in the dark while listening to the Alkaline Trio on repeat, and hating everything that's happening right now. Tomorrow will be a better day, but I was due for a bad day.

I've been looking at schools in Seattle a lot lately. The more I think about this idea, the more I think that it may be the best move for me. Researching the city more and more I fall in love with it just a smidge bit higher than I did prior.

Thinking about where I live, Arizona, I realize that I do love this place. But with so many things you love, you still have to just walk away. I'm learning that slowly and painfully left and right. I've been able to overlook the fact that our main export is meth and our biggest tourist attraction is heatstroke.

But I can't grow old here.

There's something else out there, and maybe new people where I can forget my old life and go to the next chapter and not need to worry about looking back. That's where I'm at now.

As for depression and anxiety...the anti anxiety pills aren't working worth a good goddamn, but the Cymbalta is, and I think I've found a keeper.

There's too many haunts and ghosts now. When I leave the next time, I know I won't be back. And it's heartbreaking, but sometimes that's not such a bad thing.

Giving up the ghost has always been such a powerful expression to me. It's one I wished for so long I'd had the courage to do, but now I'm finding that courage to move forward in so many aspects. It's so hard to let go, though. When you could taste the future at one point, and now all you want to taste is cheap Fleischmann's...it's an awkward trade off, because in the morning you still taste both, and they make such a horrible mixer.

The more and more I think about it, I just want to leave everything behind. I don't think there's much that would ever hold me back, and the truth is...who would actually notice if tomorrow I up and left and never said another word to anyone in a zip code left behind? Would you? I doubt that.

Everytime I should've just said goodnight, goodbye and I didn't...I realize now what a huge mistake that was. Having the last word is a death sentence, I suppose. And I also guess there's something to be said for always leaving them wanting more.

But the words, they've always been so wrong.

It's late at night and I'm drunk off of cheap vodka. These are ramblings. What was the point?

Was there ever one to begin with?


-Until tomorrow.