Thursday, December 18, 2008

I don't wanna be alone at night, I'm gonna walk with the zombies, baby. (Day 14)

Like it or not, come tomorrow the dosage is upped to 50mg's. What I'm really hoping for is that the side effects aren't noticeable, like now. If they exist...I don't even notice them anymore and I'm okay with that.

I'm more anxious than anything for the next appointment with the doctor. I want to see what else is going to get thrown my way, and I want to see how I'm going to react to it.

The thing is, I'm not sure where her stance is on me drinking. With New Years looming in the distance, I'd kind of like to have an answer, but the thing is...wouldn't she explicitly tell me not too if it were a problem? But then again...she never really told me much about the side effects of Lamictal. Which is fine, I could have just as easily asked, but the whole scenario was quite odd.

She wasn't even in the same room as I was. She did the evaluation via webcam, which is cool and all, but I kind of wish she could've been there at this point, in retrospect. There was another lady in the room taking notes the whole time, and it made me very uncomfortable the entire time.

I just felt outnumbered, and it's from an experience like that one that I really realized that there is no possible way I could ever do something like group therapy. I'd rather converse with the voices in my head, cause at least I know every body involved and theres no need for name tags and oreos and black coffee.

I wouldn't even have to wear really, I'm all in.

I'd like nothing more than to be able to move, now. Out of here and up to the Valley, or into California. Just a change of pace, but not too far away in case something happens like the last time.

I like the congestion that comes with big cities. I like the sprawling mass, and the seas of humanity fighting upstream battles every day, like trout without a purpose or calling other than to deposit seed and feed bears.

Hopefully this book is finished soon. I really hope it does well enough to justify another book at least. I really don't want to get a real job. I'd rather play kiss the cattle guard on a train.

Thats all I've got for tonight. I'm kind of tired and want to finish watching a movie staring Will Smith that allegedly hasn't quite made it's way to theaters yet. Awesome!

Until tomorrow.

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