Friday, December 19, 2008

One last salute before we sink. (Day 15)

Tonight was the roughest night I've experienced since I've started taking the Lamictal's. The strange thing is the coincidence of it, as well.

See, today I started the new dosage of 50mg's.

But I don't feel that the new dosage had anything to do with how the night went.

But for the first time in a very, very long time I was crushed by something someone had said to me.

I felt weak, worthless, and absolutely like I am nothing.

My Uncle came to visit tonight, and he explained how he'd felt I was nothing but a waste of life. Every shitty thing he felt towards me, he made abundantly clear tonight.

The strangest thing happened. My Mother and I don't get along well often, and my Uncle is the only blood relative her and I have. She loves him very, very much...but for the first time long as I can remember she stood up for me.

But that feeling of uselessness, and worthlessness...that still lingers heavily on my mind.

Being told that I was young, and needn't worry about my health, and should be out there procreating with my "sweetie" and...all these things.

Theres a target on my forehead, and all I feel like is a complete loser.

I have no idea if Days Gone By will continue henceforth.

Mostly because I feel like chasing this dream is a worthless expenditure of my time.

I have no idea if I'll continue taking these pills. I just want to get better, but at what cost?

I want to follow my heart, feel it beating in my chest like a diesel engine singing in the rain, and know that if I never stop I'll never freeze. I don't want to look back...

But right now I can't even see ahead.

I felt so childish accepting to take these pills tonight, that I'm not even sure I can validate the process any further.

Tonight will be a long night. A lot of soul-searching...if theres even that much left.

So...if this is it, thanks for reading.

If not....well;

Until tomorrow.

1 comment:

Velvet said...

I was totally hoping for a post yesterday. I hope you are enjoying your time away with your friend and that you are finding some peace. doesn't matter if what you do makes other people happy. It only matters if it makes YOU happy. You're the one who has to be you day in and day out, after all. Hang in there, kid.