Sunday, December 14, 2008

Rejoice the bed you sleep in is burning, oh rejoice the sky is fucking falling.(Day 10)

The one thing about the lamictals is that they do curb your appetite. I mean pretty much completely for a good portion of a day or so.

Which sucks, because I have an inherent love for cereal, and especially right now...Lucky Charms.

True love is cereal in a bowl.

Lately I've been so confused about everything. I just don't care about much anymore, because what I do put myself much of the time it'll blow up in my face.

Maybe my problem is that when I get into something, I put everything I've got into it.

So much of the time, I feel like I've got something to offer...and then I realize, hey wait...not really, actually. Back to ground zero, and all I got was this pile of rubble.

It's strange for me to look back a few years ago, and even fathom that who I was, was actually me. Maybe it wasn't so bad.

I'd fell into a routine. Wake up, bowl of cereal, work, hang out with the Departed, come home, video games and sleep. It felt so dull and dead to me at the time, but looking back on it...maybe thats what life is all about.

Maybe everything isn't so hard if you just take a number, stand in line with your mouth shut and let someone else do the thinking for you.

Maybe thats the best I can hope for from this medication.

I just don't want to go through another big hurt. The last time I did, I wound up in Albany. But now...fuck, I'm just running out of places to run. I'm not sure I've got enough gas left in the reserves to do so.

New Years is one of my favorite times of year. It's the transition from something to the other. And realistically, you may think..."oh, it's just a day."

What a difference, mentally, this day can do. 2007 was one of the best years of my life.

But when that clock flipped over to '08, it's like a switch went off and a gala of shit poured down on me.

The past two years I spent New Years alone, trying to make sense of myself. But thats completely impossible to do, I've begun to realize. The truth is, it takes another piece of the puzzle to complete the picture.

But my edges aren't cohesive with anyone else's.

I get so close sometimes, but then ends. Maybe I was never close at all. Maybe I never even stepped on the field.

This year I won't be spending my New Years alone. I've got three of my closest relatives stopping by, and we're gonna play, "spin the sky, eat the floor."

I look forward to seeing you Uncle Jack, Cousin Jim and brother Johnnie. It's gonna be a hoot!

There's this song though, by the Alkaline Trio called, "We Can Never Break Up". The lyrics to me are completely the sweetest gesture I've ever heard in my life. God knows Dan Andriano can craft an amazing pop song.

"We've only got one choice, so lets keep making it and making it. Making it, and making it. [...] You're like a test I can't fuck up, you're like a song in my head, like a la la la la la. You're like a dream, don't wake me up. And if I never see the light again, I guess they can put me in the ground with a smile on my face."

I'm not an average guy by any stretch of the imagination. I like MMA, sure. I love sports as a whole, and I'm fairly active...but God, my Dad must be so depressed I don't know how to use screwdriver.

Well, it's not THAT bad.

But I've never taken advantage of a drunk girl. I'm not the guy that usually has an agenda of a "hit and run" as it were, but still I wind up at the back burner in literally every situation.

Which is fine. Cards dealt, play the hand.

But eventually everyone bails, to quote Dr. Cox.

One thing I've always wanted...

I'm always waiting for the sky to fall. I'm always waiting for it all to end, because to me the apocalypse would be something to see. You wanna think that Obama's little victory speech was something to behold...

You read about what was possibly the ending, but God damn get to see the end. Maybe thats the best any of us can hope for.

I realize today's update went up at a rather odd hour, but I guess eating Lucky Charms prompted me to update before the butt-crack of some ungodly hour.

At least I'll always have me Lucky Charms.

Until tomorrow.

1 comment:

Velvet said...

Why do you sound so goddamn defeated? I love you, kid, but it frustrates me to think of you letting things be over before they start.