Maybe I could go blind faster staring at the sun. (Day 11)

Chance is a difficult concept to really and truly rely on.

Whoever thought up of a coin toss was either a sadistic glutton for self-punishment, or a sadistic genius.

Really, all it can take is a coin toss, and your entire world is suddenly flipped on it's ear.

Maybe a coin flip just serves as a painful reminder that humans aren't as in control of their destiny as they'd like to, or want to believe.

Today is Day 11 in "Days Gone By". In three more days I'll be doubling the dosage and taking the next step of this seemingly arduous and tedious process. And even after this inaugural run with Lamictal, that doesn't even, in anyway shape or form, signify that things with medication are figured out.

Apparently having a crazy brain is as unique as a snowflake; each straight jacket won't fit just the same as someone else's. I'm like a rainbow--a manic, bipolar rainbow...only, instead of a pot o' gold at the end of this ray of hope, theres a big swirling mass of super crazy.

Taste the rainbow.

It's frustrating in this sense. I don't think I much appreciate being a guinea pig. I wish that instead of throwing billions of dollars into research into what can make an old man prime for sexin', they'd point that gun towards a little bit more important issues. I mean, not that when I get to that age I won't feel differently when I need a blue bomber, but for the time being I'd like some respite.

What I mean to say is that millions and millions of people go undiagnosed with some sort of mental malady, and continuously feel like there isn't any help whatsoever. Especially damaging is when it happens in youth, because teen years are pretty damn difficult if you don't know what going on. What, with the flood of hormones everywhere, periods, and boners being erected every whence way.

But I firmly believe mental disorders become cemented in people who suffer from these diseases in those prime teenage years. And I think very often they go undiagnosed because it's easy, so easy to to write off actions of depression as something thats happening because of a hormonal change.

Maybe just look at what music they are listening too, and how they dress. If they are dressed with black eye-liner and tight clothing and know every word to the new Fall Out Boy...chances are you've bred an ignorant child. Perhaps that conversation you had with your mate 16 years ago about having the "A-Word" has come back to bite you on the ass. They might not truly have any mental disorders...besides being stupid.

If they have more popped collars than a frat boy's wedding (or commitment ceremony. Yeah, I said it.) and swear by Jack Johnson and 311...you're child is a douche bag. That in itself is something to worry about, sure, but they might not be a'swingin from an old oak tree anytime soon.

If your kid is hopelessly white, but thinks TI is some ghetto prophet and their pants could fit the late Yokozuna, and their jersey collection could clothe the Patriots...well, probably just confused.

However if their rocking long black hair, and a Deicide or Cattle Decapitation shirt...chances are you two should have a nice, long heart to heart.

I'm not saying music or general tastes in pop culture dictates how they feel emotionally, but a lot of the time it's more than just a phase or something thats appreciated for it's beat. Connection, synergy, a place to go.

And it bothers me that we have more cut and dried treatments constipation than we do mental disorders. No one seemingly cares about this, maybe because thats not where the money is, or because it isn't something that you can physically see.

Theres so little understanding, and what worries me is that in order to get the right medication you have to go through a long list of possibilities. How many people have given up hope because a) they felt like they'd never see any relief, b) became fed up with feeling like a guinea pig, c) too much time passed and eventually gave in to the pressures of hurting, or d) their symptoms were heightened by any side-effects these medications can cause?

Lamictal has a funny little side-effect of two skin rashes that can kill you.

There are anti-depressants that can depress you? Come on, man. That's like having cholesterol medication that clogs up your arteries, or nicotine gum that really enhances the experience of smoking.

Time should be spent on this. Not just because it's something that directly affects me; but because its something that affects so many people and goes undetected. Society can make you feel bad for feeling bad, too. Cheer up, sunshine heres another crappy movie. Get over it. This too shall pass.

How small does that make some people feel? You feel childish for being depressed, and get conned into thinking you're being immature for having something last longer than a day. Instead of people taking appropriate notice of something that should be noticed (not to be confused with blowing an actual bad day out of proportion.) but withdrawing from people, fatigue, etc.

The medication is yet another obstacle as well.

I don't see why, even if it's 'taboo' to pursue the idea of Universal Health care in the States, why mental health care shouldn't be free. What good is it finding a solution to your problem, but having dealt with an extremely hefty bill amassed along the way?

It's a lot, I mean a LOT of hit or miss with this specific type of medication. Yet another reason to work diligently for faster solutions in this field would simply be for the economic strain.

As I've previously mentioned, I'm on the State of Arizona's Government supplied health care system known as ACCHHHS.

A problem I ran into, though, was that ACCHHHS wouldn't cover Lamictal. For a moment I had no idea what I was going to do, until I thought to ask how much generics were.

"400 dollars."

"I meant to ask how much for the generics, I'm sorry."

"That is for the generics."

You mean to tell me that something that might not be approved by your health insurance if you're lucky enough to have it, and is just a "test run treatment" cost that much? Who can afford it?

It's unacceptable, and more research needs to be done.

And not even just for pharmaceuticals: Herbal treatments, education on how exercise can help, and all other alternatives. I feel the Government owes it to it's people to make sure they can do all they can to keep them at least mentally stable. It's the very least they can do, otherwise why do we even bother electing them?

Luckily for me, a sister program for ACCHHHS, called Simpatico, covered me for the medication. Otherwise, I have no idea what I'd do.


So maybe it's all a flip of the coin, when it's all boiled down to it.

Maybe the best things in life can be decided by simply landing on 'heads'. Who knows?

It was a coin toss that made me finally swallow my pride and seek help. It was a coin toss that kept me on edge all last night.

Call it, friendo.



Until tomorrow.