Tuesday, December 16, 2008

There slipping it in your drink when you're not looking. (Day 12)

If I didn't have this blog with the little counter up-top, I'm not so sure I'd even know how long it's been since I started taking them. It's felt like a life time, and in all actuality it's been less than two weeks.

However, in the next two days is when the Lamictal is supposed to enter the bloodstream. That's also when I begin doubling the dosage.

I can't really say I'm looking forward to it with open arms, either.

The side effects prior to this kind of sucked, and to think of them in terms of being magnified, well...it's not one of my favorite thoughts or the most popular aspect awaiting me.

But every day I seem to bide my time, and try to do a thousand things at once so I don't wind up wracking myself over and over about whats to come, or how long this road really may be.

One of my closest friends, Jeremiah (or JJ for short). He's a Christian musician, and a network administrator. He recently released a CD that he put about a years worth of work into when he had the time, titled, "Loved". It's for free, with an option to throw him a little coin if you feel so inclined.

The thing I've always liked about JJ is that while a lot of 'religious' people tend to be so off the wall radical and closed minded, that's never been what he--or his family are about. All of them are great people, and it's always a blast to spend time with them.

They are quick to make the distinction that they aren't religious; that they're faithful. On a number of times they've displayed their near-contempt for religion, as it distracts too heavily from God, and focuses more on Hell, fire and brimstone. I have so much respect for that, and them as a whole.

We may have opposing beliefs, but it really just doesn't matter with them.

I've always know JJ to plagued with quite a few mental health issues. As long as I've known him, he's had to take more pills in one day than most people take in a month. Tonight I went with him to go pick up a prescription, and something that struck me to the chord is when he stated, "I can't wait for the day I don't have to take medication any longer."

He's had some serious bouts with depression, and a lot of the time it's because the medication counteracts another medication he's taking, or his diet isn't balanced enough, or he isn't getting the right amount of sleep--to be honest, thats completely scary to me.

It seems to be this provincial balancing act that I'm not sure I'm equipped enough to handle. As it is, I'm struggling to find an appropriate time start taking these starter meds as it is; but when the dosage is up in the 200mg range, I have to make sure without a doubt theres a set schedule.

And it has to be in the morning.

So this morning I wound up taking it at about 11, which I guess is still fairly late.

But what happens when I become dependent on this chemical, or any others? It's a cause for concern, because what if I break that order?

I've seen what breaking the order can do to people. Where they have to take certain pills that literally renders them incapacitated; like a walking zombie. The Walking Dead.

Thats always been my main concern with these medications.

For those of you who might be wondering where "Days Gone By" comes from...well, I'll go ahead and put that mystery to rest.

While it in fact serves as a pretty straight-forward title, of these days having gone by it's also a reference to a comic book done by Tony Moore, Charlie Adlard, and Robert Kirkman.

The title is borrowed (or stolen, however you wanna look at things) from the first trade they put out (for all of you who comics aren't your thang, a trade is a collection of the comics at that point put together. Also can be referred to ((more popularly)) as a graphic novel) titled, "Days Gone Bye".

The Walking Dead in the beginning was pretty much your basic 'zombie apocalypse'. The origins of this story are very similar to the beginning scene in '28 Days Later' where the main character of the Walking Dead, Officer Rick Grimes awakens in an abandoned hospital.

Without getting too much into it (I highly suggest picking it up, even if you aren't into comic books, it's just an amazing story) he, and a band of other survivors wind up living in a prison during this zombie apocalypse.

But what I fear most about these drugs is losing base with who it is that I really am. That this time next year, two years from now I'll only be a semblance of who I was going through the motions doped up on anti-depressants and whatever else gets crammed down my throat.

Thats something I definitely don't want to happen.

Even though there are times where I can't hardly function properly, it's still me at the beginning and end of each of those spells. And if I ever got to where it wasn't me anymore, I'd stop immediately and split with the consequences to come.

But I'm worried I won't notice any of the changes that may come.

That's the purpose of Days Gone By. To look back at it six months from now, a year from now and re-evaluate my decisions and see if they were the proper ones to make.

I'm worried about losing my passion for writing. To be honest, with DGB, I've had more output on a consistent basis than I think I may have ever had.

I'm noticing though, that it is becoming easier for me to concentrate. To not lose thought, or get distracted, and that completely gives me hope that maybe things are gonna work out well in the end.

I'm gonna leave you with what sold me on picking up the Walking Dead.

It's probably one of the most poignant looks at our social existences I've ever seen. I'd truly rank it up there with anything George Orwell (Animal Farm, 1984) ever did.

"How many hours are in a day
when you don't spend half of them
watching television?

When is the last time
any of us
worked to get something that we wanted?

How long has it been
since any of us really
something that we WANTED?

The world we knew is gone

The world of commerce and frivolous necessity has been
replaced by a world of survival and responsibility.

An epidemic of apocalyptic proportions has swept
the globe causing the dead to rise and feed on the living.

In a matter of months society has crumbled,

no government,
no grocery stores,

no mail delivery,
no cable TV.

In a world ruled by the dead
we are forced to finally start living.

Until tomorrow.


Brownakin Skywalker said...

I remember getting worried about that when i was taking concerta and ritalin. I remember being worried about becoming dependent on the drugs to help me get through the day until I did become dependent on it. I remember freaking out when I forgot to take them, or feeling like I wasn't going to be able to excel that day because of it. I've been off them for a while now and I don't feel dependent anymore, in fact, I feel more liberated because of the side affects they had on me.

My problem was after a while they became a part of my regime so when i forgot to take them i would notice it.

I dunno where I'm going with this, but your story reminded me of that.

Velvet said...

I like that you explained where the blog name came from. That is pretty cool! I also really like the idea of having a record for yourself to look back on as you go on this journey. I think that could only be beneficial, and it's not something most people do, especially not in such a public manner.

also, this:
"In a world ruled by the dead
we are forced to finally start living" is fucking cool. :-)