I'd spend the night losing sleep. If I spend the night, then I'd lose my mind. (Day 34)

I'm almost on the third of four steps in taking the lamictal. The transformation from trepidation to complete excitement to tackle the next step, to me, has been a really big one in such a short time.

For a long time, for years I honestly felt like I was losing my mind. It's such a weird thing, to constantly have that feeling of impending...something just waiting. And while a large part of me was definitely scared of it, theres always been a small part of me that almost welcomed it, if not for putting my mind at rest (so to speak) about if it would happen or not.

But one of my biggest fears in my life is to wind up in a position where I was completely gone. It always felt like a switch would just click, the lights would go off and everything I knew wouldn't even be a memory.

Theres a scene in Igby Goes Down, if you've ever seen the movie you'll know what I'm talking about, where Igby's dad is in the shower, only he's fully dressed and Igby is in there with him. His dad shatters the glass doors and just sits there bleeding looking so lost, and honestly that been an image thats just haunted me for so long.

Not because of the strong performance (which it really is) but because I can honestly see that happening to me.

A few years ago, in 2005 before I had this really big meltdown, there were little warning signs along the way. I'm really good at hiding things like that, so it wasn't a problem. But I lived in an apartment with a friend, and he was on vacation in Hawaii. (This was long before I ever saw the movie, so when I saw that scene it just floored me. It still does.) One afternoon after me and this girl had been kinda...hanging out, she was taking a nap on the couch and I went to take a shower.

Sex has always been really weird for me. A lot of the times afterwards I feel so weird, and it's not afterglow, it's not really a happy feeling. I usually feel disappointed in myself because so much of the time, its never the girl I wanted it to be with and settling is such an ugly, ugly feeling.

So I was taking this shower, and without getting too much into it I wound up basically beating the shit out of myself. I'm not entirely sure why I did it, to be honest. All I really remember is things kind of going black for a second, and me sitting on the ledge of the tub with blood pooling next to my foot, and trailing down my arm and chest.

I just remember moments before it happening when I was lathering up. I've always, when showering, started with my left arm, right arm, chest, etc. But with my mind being so preoccupied on all that had happened, I started off on my right arm and so many things felt wrong about that. Like I was just doing everything about the shower wrong.

After that it kind of gets a bit hazy except for the bloody nose and fat lip.

I slept for about 16 hours after that, and as I've mentioned before...I just don't sleep all that well. But the days following felt like I was walking around in this kind of fog. Soon after that I had a complete meltdown, and yeah.

A few years later I spent the night with this other girl, and we got drunk and tampered with a few other items of note.

In every possible way that night, I think we did it. It just kept going, and while it was happening it was a lot of fun. But after I just felt like I was wasting so much of her time and mine by even existing after it was finished. I sat there on her couch for so long afterwards, that she was waking up in the morning before I even realized thats how where I'd been all night. I didn't feel at all tired even though I hadn't slept in...I didn't even know how long. I came home and packed my bags and about two weeks later I was on a plane to New York.

I've never been sure about myself whatsoever. I know theres potential there somewhere, everyone has potential. I just don't know how to access it, how to put it out there and make something of it. I never have.

And I've always fallen to distractions to take my mind off of things. The problem is, its always had the reverse effect: It's all I can do not to rip my hair out of my head and search for the answers there.

But the addition of the lamictal, and a newly given faith that I might be able to correct this skid I've been going down for 23 years is exciting. I feel really good about the future now, but lingering in the back of my head is the curiosity if I'm ever going to have another one of these breakdowns.

I have a friend who, no matter how much I feel like the world is ending and the hairs on the back of my neck are reaching for the sky settles me down, and things just feel like they are right. I can't explain the disastrous feeling of what its like when things don't "feel" right. But theres never been a time when I was on the brink of losing my mind that she didn't just swoop in and calm me down, and not even realize what was bubbling beneath the surface.

I feel bad sometimes, the way I rely on her. I couldn't ever reciprocate the healing she provides, and for a lack of better terminology: that sucks. I feel guilty needing her as badly as I do, and I wish I knew what to do about it, because it's so comforting knowing that alleviation is available without the use of chemicals.

Maybe I'll figure something out, and get out of her hair. I can be pretty damned annoying.

Thats all I got for tonight. I updated a long, long list over at For Your Consideration for the movies I felt were absolute dreck, so go check them out!

Until tomorrow!