If I could get so high I'll leave behind my problems, take 'em out with the empty bottles. (Day 62)

Sooner or later everyone bails. I know that much. Whether things get strained, or people just drift apart...it's something that happens. And it feels like it's happening right now, and honestly it sucks.

The moment you show that full hand, you either have to prepare for something potentially great or potentially disastrous. But either way the gamble is worth it, because at the end of the road you can at least raise a fist in the air and say, "I made it. I truly lived."

The gamble is worth it, even if you lose your shirt. I don't regret anything about the gamble, but I regret how so often my callousness, and way of shutting down effects those around me. Because it just ain't pretty. It really, really isn't.

The lyric today, and I've never talked about the lyric for the title of the post before and probably won't again because I hope that if people don't know it, they'll plug it into Google and discover the whole context for themselves, and maybe even check the band out.

But the lyric from this title post comest from Against Me's Cavalier Eternal.

I can't really say most of the songs I love are songs I feel would fall into my top songs of all time, but this song in particular is one of the top five. I rediscovered this song a few years ago after a particularly bad break up. But at the end of the road, I realized the only thing that was bruised was my ego.

I've never been one to technically cheat, but I can't say I was 100% 'faithful', and I really doubt she could, either. Sometimes people aren't meant to be together in any capacity outside of maybe a hook up here and there, or just friendship with strong undertones. The magic is being able to discern where it stands early on, and figure out how it's going to play out.

"And it wasn't the other men, cause there were other women."

That kinda bums me out from both angles. One because I'm not particularly confident with a few things about myself, but also because it kind of bums me out because I'm not that guy. I'm not that guy that does the creeper walk of shame the next morning hoping nothing is a dead give away.

But things happen I guess.

"This just isn't love, it's just the remorse of a loss of a feeling. Even if I stayed, it just wouldn't be the same."

For a while after the break up we tried to make it work out again. Hanging out, doing stuff like a couple would do, etc.

But I think the worst mistake you could ever do is continue to have sex after you're broken up with somebody. Theres just too many implications and harbored feelings, and at the end if you don't feel a twinge of anger building in your guts...you might not be human.

"Gonna make it to the moon tonight on a one-way kamikaze flight; If I could get so high I'll leave behind my problems, take 'em out with the empty bottles."

The only proper way to deal with these issues of hurt ego, broken feelings, etc that I've found is alcohol. It's the great equalizer, because sure enough once the haze of liquor is out of your system you can evaluate everything properly, because down at the bottom of everything...you just can't fall any further. Plus you can't hurt anyone, so why not punish your liver? Fuck you, liver for detoxifying and producing biochemicals necessary for digesting. You think you're so great because you can regenerate? Only lizards are supposed to regenerate, freak. Digest this whiskey, bitch. When cirrhosis sets in, you won't be no pretty no more, fat ass. Lets see you regenerate now. Prick.


"Someday I'll call you from a pay phone in a truck stop on the road and you'll tell much better off you've been on your own."

That might be the case.

The reason I rehash this tired story is because of what I've learned from it, and in part what I've lost from it, too. I've lost a lot of myself, and the only way I know how to keep from making that mistake again is to just completely shut down.

But the irony is that just fucks things up so much worse than I could've ever known.

A lot of people have come and gone in my life. But theres one person I don't want to ever be gone. Ever.

And I want her to know whatever it is I need to do, say or how to act to keep her the way she is, and make her comfortable again...I'm willing to do that.

I just wanted to give insight into the douchebaggery that is HaleCo.

Otherwise, I'll always be cavalier eternal.



Until tomorrow.