I hope you had the time of your life. (Day 100.b)

The 'b' can stand for a few things:

It can stand for "bonus", as in you get a bonus update. Lucky two of ya.
It can be an extension of the post prior
It can be that I want to do a double post because this is '100'
Or it can simply be the letter that comes after 'a'.

I've been a Green Day fan for most of my life. When I was a wee lass (I'm only 23) they were a safe haven for me when I had no where to go. Every chance I got, I would put on 'Warning' or 'Insomniac'. And given the nature of my last post, that's somewhat ironic.

It's ironic in that I was such a fan of two widely forgotten Green Day albums.

But I never felt like I belonged anywhere. That's where music, regardless of the band, come into play.

Music, besides a thimble full of other things, has stayed constant f0r me. Now, I know I said that the shows I felt like a "black sheep", and that's so very true. But that's not an extension of the music itself. The show is just an intermediary.

Ever since I heard 'Longview' back in 1994, I was hooked on them. Be it the attitude, or anything.

One thing that always bothered me was that 'Good Riddance' was on of their biggest hits of all time.

Here's the thing; I love the song. And after today/last night, it's taken on a whole new meaning for me.

You ever know something can be bad for you? You know it's bad for you but keep doing it, because you haven't learned.

Everyone has told you it's bad for you, and you can openly admit it's bad for you too.


Other people have been there, too. They can relate to it.

It could be about drinking, to women, to cars. to anything really. But because you haven't learned you still keep doing it, because honestly...whats the absolute worst that could happen.

Broken bones heal, broken hearts cease hurting, you get used to fading hearing, and every day since she left gets that much further from who you used to be.

See, the past is a tricky thing. It's a monument to what you did, and in the end of it all, you'll always inspect what you could have done better, or wish you used a different polish, or even how to keep the pigeon shit off of it. Or not, even. Let it rot, let it blemish, let it fade, because tomorrow is going to be the present, and every second that ticks away is one that's lost forever.

We are our own movies.

I always knew this song was a bitter ballad, almost telling someone to fuck off. Almost, but not quite. To me it's so painfully obvious, and I never understood why every single high school graduation played this song, because it isn't a happy song in the least. It's a reflection of a relation that's slipped away. One that meant the world, and in the end...it felt like that world collapsed, that it ended.

But the other thing about this song is that it's bittersweet. An understanding throughout the pain. And while I'd always loved this song, it's completely taken on a new meaning.

It's so hard to let go, even when you know deep down in your heart it's for the best. Sometimes that 'best' doesn't apply to you because you have to look at the bigger picture for someone you care about, who you loved, who could never do any wrong in your eyes, but for whatever reason you have to let go.

To hear those words, "I'm sorry. I never expected this to happen. I didn't want to hurt you." rips me apart.

But the words to this song now speak in a different way to me. I can relate, I can feel every syllable, every stroke of the strings, every note from the strings.

I truly believe that every great happening in the history of the world, especially with literature, is stemmed from a broken heart of some sorts. And by great, I don't mean it's always positive or anything. I mean that it's significant.

Take the Nazi's. As odd as it is to say this, everything they did stemmed from a broken heart. They rose to a violent prominence because after World War 1 they had no food, no shelter, no hope. And when you can package hope to someone, they'll do anything to feed their families.

The guilt of the world laid on their shoulders.

In no way am I condoning the actions of Hitler, or Nazi's. In no way, whatsoever. But I think people overlook why it is that that happened. People don't learn from the roots of trees, they learn from the bark it sheds, and unfortunately they never notice why it is that tree is dying. They just know it's dying.

But everything beautiful stems from a broken heart, because that's what people can relate too. Whether a child dying, or dream coming to an end, or a divorce...anything. And so many times something amazing can come from that.

It's like a forest fire.

It's ugly, it's devastating. Animals, and sometimes humans lose their homes or lives.

And the trees are now ash.

But that detestation, that tree that was charred to ash that now lays on the floor of the forest does something weird. That ash enriches the soil, causes new life to sprout. Bigger, better and stronger than before.

Our lives are forest fires waiting to ignite.

Every bit of me hurts right now. And I don't care to pick myself back up, and I really don't want to let this go. At all, because this was the greatest chapter in my life, and I don't care to read the next.

I hate thinking about the future, and thinking of this as the future of my past. Every still frame, every photo...I don't want to top that. But I want you to be happy, healthy and to never look back.

It's always killed me to realize I'll be someones footnote. Something improbable that only lasted a minuscule moment in the grand scheme of things. I want to be so much more. I want to be more than just a good friend for once. I want to be more than that kid who writes so goddamned much. I want to be more than a walking disaster, or a constant punchline.

But that's all I ever see myself being.

I'll never stop loving you. Not for a second. I don't regret a single solitary second, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat, even if I knew the outcome would be the same.

You're so much more than what you give yourself credit for. Others see it, I know I'm not alone in knowing it. I know that, and I hope you see it one day. Like he said, "He hit the lotto."

And that he sure goddamned did.

I hope you had the time of your life.





-Until tomorrow.