Triple digits.
Today is a new day all in it's own. A few minutes ago, I just took my very first anti-depressant. It's called Pristiq.
It's good to know if I ever reach menopause I've got something to aide me in that.
So today is triple digits. And like I said yesterday, if you leave a comment, you get something special mailed to you from me. Here's the catch, I can't have just anyone get it, just for reasons of my own. De plagirismo!
So here's how we're going to do this. You comment me with your email address. If you want the email address taken down after I get it, note so. I'll take it down after I contact you via email.
When I contact you via email, we're gonna have three questions of pop culture/history (the two pop culture questions deal with this blog), and I'll post them here:
1.) Where does the name of this blog stem from?
2.) What's the name of the mood stabilizer I take?
3.) What is the etymology for the phrase, 'tongue in cheek', as in, how did it get to become an idiom?
Last night was one of the hardest nights of my life. Out of respect, it won't get aired out here.
I know a few people wondered what was up, and hoped it would grace these pages, but not this one. It hurts entirely too bad, and I'm not that open of a person. Maybe in the future, but for now I need to figure this one out on my own.
Friendships are such strange things, though. In the grand scheme of things. You feel a connection and bond with someone for so long, and if they survive the area of just being an acquaintance, especially with me, then that's saying something.
I've always been a fiercely independent person. I just always have been.
In High School, I had quite a few friends, but opted to stay home most nights, unless they involved Austin, Arleen, Josh or Richard.
Each of them are vastly different. And somehow, I always knew I never really...fit into that scheme. I've never felt like I've fit in anywhere.
When I was a kid, most the people I knew were elderly. It's why I started playing music, and why most the music and songs I tend to write are based in bluegrass, folk, country, etc. It's a happy coincidence that those things are increasingly popular with the punk fans now, though.
But even in listening to punk rock music, that's another place I never really felt like I really fit in, either. I'd go to shows, and even though all these bands touted unity, and were against racism, I'd look around and realize that not only did I go to these shows alone...I was the only brown person around.
Going to shows now feels so weird, because I go alone 85% of the time. And I see all these people who are so invested in some kind of scene, and I'm some how, only I could pull this off, the black sheep of the counter culture.
But for once I wanted to rise above that. And I thought I had, too. Deep down, for once, I felt like it was my turn to stand in the spot light.
When I left for Albany, and when I came back, there were five people I wanted to see again the most. Austin lived in California still, or else he'd be on that list, but out of those five people, as time dictates...I'm only friends with two now, and I've only seen one of them since I've been back.
And I know this all seems really elusive.
But a long time ago I left my heart in Southern California.
Now I just don't care to get it back.
For those involved...I don't hate you. Not in the least, and I'm sorry I'm such a shitty friend. But this is that final straw. After this right here, it's a non-issue as far as I'm concerned. Just be happy is all I ask. I feel like if I'm owed anything, I'm owed that much.
But this is that change. This is that divide, and this is that goodbye.
"The panic was lost in a deep understanding."
I'm tired of not being good enough, or not being that serious prospect or anything. So cheers.
"Here's to apathy."
-Until tomorrow.
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5 comments:
I can somewhat related to what you said about going to shows, a lot of bands I like my friends don't so I often just suck it up and go but when i get there, i just stand at the back doing whiskey shots. I'm too concerned with what people think about me than having fun. I know its such a pussy excuse but i find it so hard to just get in the crowd sometimes.
As long as you carry on writing I'll keep reading. I really meant what i said in that comment. No pill i've popped has come close to just helping me compared what i've read and absorbed on these pages over the last hundred days.
Thank you for the reply to comment as well, i will be in touch - i've just been in a bit of a hole recently.
You're the fucking man.
p.s. I would love a surprise :) my email is hanksn@gmail.com
Take care and thank you
p.p.s Sorry if absolutely none of this makes sense, i dont think i've slept properly in a week.
"Just in case you come back someday, you're still able to find that amount of passion you left on stage. Hopefully it's enough where you can run with it."
It's like they don't try anymore when it comes to naming medicine. I'm relatively sure the word Pristiq cannot be properly pronounced in the English language. I think they just do this on the keyboard: "dsa;ksdlkjf," then minus out the punctuations and add a couple of vowels, and viola, a new name for a new pill has been created.
I know what you mean when it comes to feeling not so much a part of the punk (or any other) community. No matter where/in which community you look, there will be hypocrisy and people making statements that end up being just a lot of hot air; and if you aren't willing to pretend otherwise, then you will always feel like you're on the outside, unable to really be absorded into the others.
I'm glad, personally.
Maybe we can form a group where this doesn't happen? It would be the first, and we'd probably kill each other out of brutal, depressive honesty.
Either way, I think AAA summed it up nicely how I feel about punk music:
"It's the only thing I ever want to keep."
Happy hundredthedth.
There is no comment section under the "b" post, so I have to write my reply here.
I won't even try to relate how I feel about that song to how you feel about it. All I can say is that, as cheesy as it sounds, it's one of my favorite songs of all time. I have multiple memories associated with it, to the point where I can almost not listen to it. Greenday can be cheesy sometimes, but they also wrote some quality songs.
Also, that was some good fucking writing. I feel the same way about "wanting to do more." I know that in my life, in my future line of work, I could help a ton of people. Hundreds if not thousands. But it won't even come close to "being enough" to satisfy me. I won't even feel good about it. I could only ever feel good about helping everyone (/or, at least, a shit ton of people).
Figure out a way to help everyone. That's what I'm going to try to do. I've got my idea. Good luck.
Dude. I love sleeping pills. I just totally remembered I have a box of them that my gramps gave me. Effing costco box. I haven't slept a full night since the night I picked up Josh.
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