I swear to God that I'll love you forever. Evelyn, I'm not coming home tonight. (Day 99)

I had my first full eight hours of sleep in...God, I have no idea how long it's been. I got started on this sleeping medication called Temazepam, or Restoril. Whichever you prefer.

Let me make one thing abundantly clear, until last night there has never been a single sleeping medication that even came close to working for as long as it promised. This though, I guess, as the lady who prescribed it, was "hardcore".

It's mixed with another sleeping agent I take called Trazodone. I was skeptical, because at first I just felt like it wasn't going to work. For about half an hour I laid there waiting, and decided I'd get up to read. As soon as I stood up, it hit me like a ton of bricks, and it was over Johnny (or Jonny. However you wanna spell it, right Jon?)

I woke up at nine, and though a little groggy from the sleep, I felt refreshed.

I think this is the first decent step I've started taking. I've noticed that today, the anxiety is a lot less than normal.

Starting tomorrow morning, I start an anti-depressant, although I don't remember the name of it. I was supposed to start it today, but the pharmacy was out of it. I'm really curious about this, because this is the most serious step I've started to take in terms of this whole little journey I'm on, and I'm curious if there will be a change like now.

I just don't want to sit here wounded anymore. I know it sounds kind of lame to say that, but I'm having a hard time lately, and it's just compounding everything. I really can appreciate that my moods aren't all over the place anymore, but with stabilization comes a much longer run with say good times, or bad times. And lately, I haven't exactly had too many good times to write home about, and so tonight I'm dealing with it the only way I've ever known how too: I'm gonna drink until I'm numb.

Then tomorrow I try it someone else's way. At the end of the month, I'll see which one sticks. Until then, well, Hell. Lets just see what happens.

I've been looking into moving in with a friend I used to live with. I hope that pans out. There isn't one part of me for the last month that hasn't woken up and sat thinking...God...

I just want to leave it all behind.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do. There's no way I'm going to allow this cycle to continue. I'm just so fucking sick of it all, and instead of moping I'm doing several things:

*I'm gonna drink
*I'm gonna write
*I'm gonna get the Hell out of this town
*I'm not gonna look back
*I'm gonna give up on what can't be gained
*I'm gonna meet new people
*I'm gonna start again
*This is the most important one: I'm gonna become everything I'm not.

Tomorrow will be the 100th post. So, in conjunction, anyone who posts a comment tomorrow (email me your address) and within a few weeks time you'll get a surprise.


-Until tomorrow.