I'm in last place, if I place at all. But theres hope for this Underdog. (Day 101)

I'm kind of at a loss of words. Today was interesting, and a nice reprieve from everything I've been dealing with for the past few days.

It's weird getting used to walking alone again, figuratively speaking of course. You have those pangs missing the conversations, and your routine, or what you used to look for in now in a distant horizon behind you.

And while I'm not willing to get up from this one, and settle, I know I'll be okay. I'm okay now.

There isn't a crevice of my life that doesn't remind me of whats transpired. But it's a reminder that at a brief moment in time, I at least existed.

Hanging out with a friend today, he had a somewhat heated discussion with a girl who was trying to ease her way back into his life. He feels that he isn't in a place for a relationship; and while some of those reasons stem from his faith in God, I can see where else he comes from.

A lot of people would call me a nice guy. Some would call me an asshole, but I mean...nothing that can be done by that, and truth be told I don't mind the latter as much as the former. But that being said, I'm a notorious doormat.

I never used to be this way, and I'm trying to figure out where that changed so drastically, but it ends, and it ends effectively now.

I have a lot of patience. There aren't many who would disagree with that statement.

Part of the side effects of the medication I just started taking, coupled with the Lamictal, decrease my patience, and I can't say I'm ungrateful for that. It's caused me stress on levels I can't even begin to describe.

I'm sick of waiting. Waiting...I don't have the time or patience for that anymore. And from here on out, I'll be a lot more self serving than I have been. That's not to say that it's the Aaron Show, or anything. I'll do anything to help most people out, and that's something that'll never change.

But it's time to look out for number one. It's all this passiveness that's lead me to always finish second place, third place, last place, whatever you wanna toss into that category.

During my friends conversation (I don't mean to eavesdrop, but he was less than an inch away in a quiet car, and I felt this conversation actually applied to me) he stated what was what. I mean, he laid down his terms and conditions for being in this girls life, and I have to say it kind of hit me hard.

It's something that I never fathomed.

To put it more crassly, I finally understand what "putting the pussy on a pedestal" means.

I'm so afraid of rubbing girls the wrong way, that I don't assert myself enough to ever stop an oncoming onslaught of hurt feelings and broken emotions. I don't want that anymore, at all. And I realized it's because the value I place in women are unrealistic and over romanticized. There is no Shangri-La.

I've never asserted how I want things to go. I'm pretty docile when it comes to most my relationships, especially with girls. Sadly, it's lead to me becoming something of a door mat. Unfortunately, this door mat's worn out. The 'welcome' side of the mat has been flipped over.

It's about respect for both parties. And while I respect girls to an infinite amount...I have to watch out for myself.

Those doors are shut.

Life is out there waiting for me, and I don't want it to wait any longer. It kills me to be just another number, a minute detail to a picture on a wall I'll never see again, but that's just what happens. I lost two very close people to me, I miss them. I miss them a whole fucking lot, and I wish I were stronger, because a lot of my best moments involved them...

But I doubt that's a reciprocated feeling, and I mean...I never fit in anyway.

But here's the rub:

That's the way I like it.

Instead of me being bitter, I'm surprised by this...but I'm over it. I love 'em both quite a bit, and while it tends to eat at me a little bit...I'm really happy for them.

I'm disappointed in how I handled things. I wish I could have that connection back, with both of them. At this point, it's probably pride. And while I can usually swallow my pride quite easily...this is different. I'm completely embarrassed from my actions.

I'm ready to start anew on every plain. I owe it to both of them to live up to my words. I owe it to everyone who reads this, and most importantly...I owe it to myself.

The meek might inherit the Earth, but until then those stuck in limbo will inherit the rotten soil unless they learn to till.

I'm done hurting myself. I'm done hurting them, and I'm done being a harbinger of negativity and pain.

That's not to say I'm going to be overtly positive. But whats happened isn't worth losing two close friends. That's just the way the dice come up sometimes. grin and bear it, and chalk it up to experience.

Somethings aren't meant to be, and sometimes they are but they aren't apparent for reasons that are obvious to anyone except sweet lady karma.

Like I said...life springs from forest fires. It might be devastating at first, but soon enough, with enough rain, sunshine and wind, something is going to spring up. Even winter's gotta end.

I can't wait to see where I go from here.


-Until tomorrow.