I decided to start working on this five year plan last weekend when I was drinking with Arleen and Austin outside while we sat around this little bonfire. Austin's brother and his girl, Thomas and Sarah were there earlier in the night, but had to bail cause Tom had to be at work early.
But during it all. Austin and I moving to separate coasts, Arleen having a child and getting married, all of us having our fair share of failed relationships and personal bullshit that could've destroyed us...we still stand. And at the end of it all, it's always been the three, four of us (counting Tom) when it's all said and done.
Throughout everything, no matter how much things seem and feel different, and no matter how much we all get caught up in our lives, when it's all said and done and the three of us sit together again, nothing matters anymore.
In my life, theres been a lot of randimosity (don't worry about it, I coined that term a long time ago, will explain in a bit). Theres been a lot of cast and characters, and at times it just feels like my life is this revolving door where nothing will stay the same for any kind of prolonged extent. Things that should have lasted probably a lifetime, come to abrupt halts because a lot of the time I kind of freak out.
Something about the future, in the past, used to scare me. Taking that next step, and often times not even knowing how to formulate the right way on going about the things I do want to accomplish. I think I'm starting to take the right steps, but I still have no idea, and it's beginning to scare the shit out of me. I'm 23, and live at home, and there isn't a day I wish I was on my own, by myself, and just living my life the way I've always wanted too.
The one thing thats seemed to stay constant with me, in a life thats constantly revolving and changing so fast, I don't even notice it until years later and ask myself, "What the hell just happened? I used to be so different."
I used to be a lot more brash and uninhibited than I am now. I know a lot of people think I'm really brash now, but when I was younger...it was much more apparent. I'm not saying thats necessarily a bad thing, but...okay, I hate to reference this movie because I'm not the biggest fan of it, but the movie Talladega Nights, after Ricky Bobby has the serious crash and his dad says, "You saw the fear." I think that applies now...I saw the fear.
About five years ago, I met a girl who I really felt was the perfect match for me. Not for who I am now, because that'd just be a lie, because I want someone who makes me want to strive to be something more, something better and more driven than I ever could accomplish on my own. And I know that that in itself sounds really odd to hear, because it seems like I'm searching for someone to live my life for me, but it's not like that whatsoever.
I want a measuring stick, and while I'm capable of a lot on my own, I never want to just plateau and think, "This is good enough." I want to always push myself, and not become complacent as I have in the past.
But this girl at the time, and even now, I kind of recognize that she was the one that got away. And I feel no remorse for that, I realize that things do in fact happen for a reason, no matter how little sense they seem to make at the time.
But she spurned on the change I've attempted to drive my life into. That was the starting point for this evolution, so to speak, that I've been trying so hard for my whole life. And it hasn't been up until recently, the past nine months or so, that I've buckled down really hard to try and make it a reality.
She came into my life when I was content just being nothing. Content to just drink every night with friends, go to a nowhere job and exist without a reason or rhyme. To be honest, that was never something I'd wanted to do in my life because it just seems so...depressing. And I know some people are stoked on the idea of just doing nothing, which is cool I guess, but it's never been for me.
And when I met her, for some reason it stirred up those feelings of fighting again. Fighting to surpass my parents and to be something so much better than them. I'm on my way now, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I do need help in doing that. But for some reason I've always been too proud to admit things like that.
I've been told by a few people that I should give therapy another shot. I wound up not going initially because of how little a priority I felt I was, and I'm not saying I'm some super important individual because...God knows thats just not true. I'm bottom of the barrel, as in underneath the actual barrel itself.
But I'm embarrassed at the thought of succumbing to therapy. I have no idea what the process is like, but to be honest I feel so embarrassed. I have no idea how I'd react, but I feel so naked just thinking about it. Having to tell someone what I'm thinking, or feeling, or having to answer questions...I feel like I'm waisting their time, and that some one else who's in dire need of attention and therapy is having to wait that much longer because I'm taking up the chair.
It took a lot for me to swallow my pride and embarrassment to say, "I need your help" to a complete stranger, and for them to tell me, "Thats not my specialty. Anxiety isn't my thing." And to basically tell me I had no choice but to do a group therapy...
It might seem like a callous and egotistical and completely asshole-ish thing to say, but I can't do that. I can barely talk to my friends. I know it seems completely contradictory, too, considering the general nature of this blog, but the thing is...even here, you get a peak, but you don't get even the least of the actual story or anything. No offense to anyone, it's just that I'm not comfortable with anything in relation to myself. I'd rather listen to you, I'd rather try and help you, because I feel like a lot of the time I'm nothing more but a lost cause and a waste of your time. I fucking hate dumping on people, but lately it's been happening more and more and I feel so completely guilty in doing that.
I can't spill my guts in any facet other than writing to complete strangers or close friends. In writing I can disconnect and disassociate myself, create a character and veil everything behind some half brained premise.
But having to tell that to all these strange people who can judge me? Fuck that. I know I'm more than capable of not judging people, because I know I'm no better than any one of them. But that doesn't mean any of them are the same. In fact, I'm completely certain theres a high possibility none of them are.
And honestly, and this is no slight to my close friends, but I deal with enough of other peoples problems. I love them, and I love doing it. I never tire of it, but I don't need to adopt anyone else's problems. But if I'm going to ever even entertain the idea of doing therapy, it will not be at the mercy, I will not be at the mercy of anyone else. I'd rather take it to my grave, honestly.
And I feel embarrassed because I can't just deal with my problems like a man should. Drinking, or whatever. It's so much easier to repress it and forget about everything, honestly. "People who can't deal with their problems probably can't afford whiskey."
But she kind of took that element of fear away, because I knew she was just as fucked up as I was. We were both ugly people, and it kind of suited us both well. Well, she wasn't ugly. I actually kind of have a good eye for girls 90% of the time (Minus the Departed and the Hunchback of Notre Dame) and most of the girls I wind up with really don't deserve the misfortune of dating a troll such as myself. I'm pretty much the combination of the Travelocity Gnome, and the Star Wars Rancor.
+ 
= 
(Theres it broken down in a mathematical equation.)
She was beautiful, but I think you get the point.
But the thing is, she never really had the drive to do anything, and for some reason, it made me want to try so much harder.
Things can come apart for so many different reasons. Be it fighting, pride, or the unknown. And things here came apart because of the latter. But I still think about her from time to time. She always brings a smile to my face, and I swear to God I'm so happy she's happy.
But for so often I've just lived on the theory of randimosity. Partial boredom, partial fear, partial short attention span. Randimosity is just the act of random being so completely random, it's beyond unusual.
I have people in my life now who make me happy. Old friends (Austin, Arleen, Thomas) and new friends (Miles, Ryan, "Nikolai Carpathia", Matt and Velvet (Seriously, I should just have a button to link her as often as I do, or at least owe her royalties or something) and it's a great feeling. One I've never had before. For some reason they seem to believe in me.
And for everyone else who's ever linked one of my blogs, or left a comment of encouragement, or an email...thanks. I have no idea why you'd take the time to do it, but thanks. I don't see it.
I'd also like to thank my "sponsors" of Nike. Make sure to check out those new Jordans, made by nimble fingers in Asian countries that are hard to pronounce. Check out their blog. Just do it.
But right now I'm at the crossroads of trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. And in the next few weeks, I'll be mapping things out here, for a few different reasons.
But thank you, friends. Thank you.
-Until tomorrow.
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