Turn gunshots and mortar blasts into a metaphor for how we are all the same. (Day 103)

The funny thing about the medications I take, the Lamictal and Pristiq, is that the Lamictal is a blue pill and the Pristiq is a red pill.

Every morning I get to make a choice, and choose both. Why couldn't Neo have just done that. Well, it could be because he's played by Keanu Reeves, and any type of outside thinking is just beyond that lumbering jackass, or it could be because the movie just wasn't that good to begin with. I mean, the first one was decent at best, but after that I feared for what little intelligence I have remaining.

I've always feared that whatever it is that I'm taking will make me some kind of zombie trudging through life not knowing if I'm hot or cold. After several horror stories from people I've spoken to, as well as a witnessing a close friend go nearly comatose every time he takes a certain pill, I wasn't the most willing.

But one thing I've learned in life, at least for me, is to do the opposite sometimes. That beaten path still has potholes where you can twist and ankle, and if that happens...it might be a while before you get saved.

But in doing things I never would have thought I would like to do, I've met some great people, seen some awesome places, had some really amazing nights, and maybe discovered a lot more of myself in places I wouldn't have ever thought to look in the first place.

And it's strange; you would just naturally assume that where you would find yourself is where you're attracted to the most. And don't get me wrong; I've found a lot of myself in book pages, movie screens/divid extras, comic books and music, most specifically punk rock.

But asides from the latter, most of those are easily singular activities. And the latter, not only do I not really know anyone in my remote vicinity with the same tastes as I have, I never really fit in at the shows, period.

So how do you choose to percieve your reality?

My reality prior was one where I had a bunch of imbalances, and instead of starting at the place I should have in the beginning, I tried to use pennies to balance rocks, and more often than not I spent more time rearranging the same amount of pennies while adding more rocks. It's foolish, too, because during that whole time I could have just nipped this in the bud and focused on what was truly important.

But I'm still young, and it is so far from too late. So I'm lucky to've swallowed my pride.

And in doing so, I feel more focused.

I was so worried about being this zombie; Just eat, shit, work, fuck, sleep, repeat. That's what I worried about these pills doing. Losing whatever minimal amount of creativity I may or may not have. But in just saying screw it and taking this chance...I've realized a bunch of things:

Being so scared about only existing to "eat, shit, work, fuck, sleep, repeat" by accepting theres something wrong, I never realized that that was already exactly how I was living.

I'm more focused and less prone to panic attacks and all this other stuff. So instead of focusing on where I can find a tall enough cactus to hang myself off of, I can focus more on where I want to go.

I feel like I'm more creative, and pensive about it than I was before.

The confidence I'm beginning to have kind of bothers me a little bit. Like, "What the hell?" Where did it come from? Is it misplaced at all?

Don't get me wrong, I've always been a pretty cocky little fucker, but cocky and confidence aren't always linear. I'm not prideful, pride is the reason we're all facing certain doom, but I take pride in the things that I do, or am working towards.

I've taken major steps towards my five year plan. Part of that plan entails doing a comic book with someone (I can't draw) and I may have found a few people who may be willing to take me on, I'm waiting to hear back from them. But even if this doesn't pan out, I still have faith I'll find some one soon.

Sometimes you just know things, and can tell they are gonna happen way before they do. I'm especially good at this, and right now I can only see positive things in the future panning out. So I'm stoked about that.

So here we go.


-Until tomorrow.