I'm gonna say what I need to say in my very last letter to you. (Day 126)

I've been going through an identity crisis as of late. I don't know what direction my life is heading, or what exactly it is that I'm doing now.

For the better part of yesterday I had a lengthy discussion with two of my closest friends. I think that one of the most important things I've learned from this, which was something I'd always know but never actually...knew, if that makes any sense at all, but know I do know...

Like, okay, let me try to explain that. You ever know somethings bad for you, instinctually? Like when you're a kid, and everyone tells you not to touch the stove when it's on because it's hot and it'll burn you? You still wind up touching it, and then even though you knew and people warned you a long the way, you still touched it and you learned for yourself? That's what I'm getting at.

I always knew like...two things. One, never date a coworker. And I did that once, and the end result was that I wound up quitting and moving to New York after a humorous instance with a phone flying at my head. The second one though, is never fall for your best friend. And unfortunately I had to wait until I stuck my hand on the burning stove to find out for myself.

As a result, I've been a huge source of stress and tension for two people I've cared about, who've meant quite a bit to me over the past few years.

I don't let many people in. Friends whom I've had for the better part of a decade still aren't really "in" so to speak, because every person I've ever invested a lot of trust and faith in have wound up hurting me in some way. And a lot of the time it wasn't done purposefully, and I can't blame many, not even these two friends, because I allowed it to happen to me. I should have been more alert, but instead I was selfish and only really tried to serve myself, and the thing is...you can't do that. And normally I'm not that of person. But I was just really selfish. And I've been nothing selfish towards them. You have no idea how sorry I am about that.

I've been thinking a lot lately, and I've decided it's about time I got to moving on. With anything, anyone, honestly. I seem to always stir up some sort of dramatics, or cause tension/stress. To put it in the context of a question: "Is the juice worth the squeeze?" No. I'm rotten fruit, baby.

But I decided to basically just learn how to properly fuck off, and take a more limited role in peoples lives. When I think about it, I always seem to just cause discomfort to those I love the most, or people who trust me (Dillinger Four/Racket/Fat Wreck, anybody?)

I've got a lot of thinking to do about this.

I've been seriously looking into becoming a monk, or something. I have an "interview" coming up with a bunch of Greek Orthodoxs'. It's kind of funny in an ironic sense, because I don't even believe in God. But whatever, they don't really need to know all that. Besides, I know the bible pretty well, I'm sure I can bullshit them pretty easily. I took four years of theatre, it's not exactly that hard. Plus, I can be a pretty smooth talker. Just some razzle dazzle, "I love you Greek Orthodox dudes", and blam! Black robe and a cool little hat, and some Jesus bling.

Free room and board and food. It's like prision minus the threat of prison rape. The American Dream realized! Plus I think I get to learn Latin, which would just be fucking rad.


-Until tomorrow.