Saturday, May 16, 2009

You can't feel it in your blood. The DJ's playing something driving you out of your skull. (Day 162)

I just finished rereading Catcher in the Rye last night. I've honestly read this book at least once a year for...God, since I was 17.

It's funny, it was never part of the the required reading in High School or anything, and I've always had a love affair with reading. But for some reason, it took me so long to come across it. I constantly have to be reading, and of course I'd heard of the book, but it wasn't until the teacher I mentioned the other day, Ms. MacCaulley pressure me into reading it, did I. She said she always saw so much of me inside of the character of Holden.

I truly feel, unlike any other book, Catcher stands the test of time. Despite some of the lexicon being outdated (flitty/flit being an example, meaning homosexual, or called black kids "colored" or drunk "oiled up and just a lot of small nuances like that) as well as the difference in the price of our money (8 dollars being quite an extensive amount of money) the book is applicable to a certain sect of kids to this very day.

I think a lot of people could appreciate it, I know. I mean it continuously manages to sell hundreds of thousands of copies a year, and still manages to be quite controversial, but it continuously piques peoples interest. It's really fascinating to me. You have to have a heart and a healthy amount of imagination, and almost...I hesitate to say it, but purity to actually appreciate the art of a lost soul.

Lately I feel like I've been drowning. I've been pretty withdrawn, and so certain that I was going to fight tooth and nail to change who it is that I am, because I'm so sick of losing every battle. I'm so sick of trying, and getting so close to something I actually taste it, and then it's ripped away from me.

It's not that I feel I'm entitled or owed anything. I just wanted it to be my turn, for once, to be able to to hold something (or someone) and be able to have just that piece that's always eluded me, or has been missing...to have it.

I'm not a person that will open up about much. But for the first time in my life, I fought what felt wrong...and it felt so right. But like everything good, it came to a crashing halt.

Nothing in my life ever eases into extinction. It stops as abruptly as it starts, and to be honest...I've never once felt like it'd be wise to ever set up roots in anything. I know better.

I just do.

But for the past few months, I've just felt so empty and dead. I still do, to an extent, but...I just don't like what it is I'm becoming. But the struggle I have is...just because I don't like it, that I inherently hate it, doesn't give me enough of a reason to actually stop the transformation in its tracks. At what point do you bury those morals and dreams to keep on surviving? Not everyone is supposed to have that realm of security in their lives. Kind of like Holden said, "Life's a game alright. It's a game if you're on the side with all the hot shots."

But what about those of us who aren't? Well, we're just there to make the hot shots look even better, I guess. Which is fine.

But I'm so sick and tired. I'm sick of not knowing what steps I need to take to become a published author, I'm sick of sleeping with girls I don't have any connection with, and I'm sick of being told I need to do this and that.

I've been patient to the point it's actually unhealthy.

And all this while, I've backlogged frustration I have no clue on how to healthily let out. The person who means the most to me in my life, is the one I feel who's been the brunt of most of this devolution.

But at this point, I'm just wondering...man, what the fuck do I have to do? I would honestly just be forgotten, to fade off and that be that. But in the interim, I'm always that person that gets stranded at gas stations after botched beer runs, I'm the guy that doesn't even get that first chance, let alone a second.

What do I have to do to be worth something to those people in my life? This isn't a pity party, but me trying to make sense of it all. I don't want anything to ever be about me, there's more important things, but I guess I just want my moment as well. Even if it's alone, and no one is watching, just that moment.

But maybe it's always been my fault. I mean, not maybe. Most likely, 100% is. When I was a kid I spent more time reading than ever talking to anyone else. Even now. I don't know how to interact with people because I'm pretty boring, and I never have anything to say and my jokes actually go to the opposite effect. I don't think I've ever really made anyone laugh, which is fine.

I don't know. I'm just sick of being bitter and dead. I never wanted to be that person, but I guess sometimes you just have to grieve in your own way. I never deal with anything, I just push it to the side until eventually that overlaps and it floods, and the next thing I know...I have a broken hand and a near-shaved head.

There's a part in Catcher where Mr. Antolini is telling Holden that he's heading for a fall. And I must have read that part a million times, but at this stage in my life, how it's effected me...I just sat there, and without sounding too much like a pussy, I began to sort of cry. I began to cry, and wonder when the hell I was gonna be able to take that stick out of my ass, and just grow up.

I really have no clue.

-Until tomorrow.

1 comment:

nick said...

hey aaron, i hope you're keeping well.. been away for a while so i have a lot of reading to do.

nick x