Song - She Found You
Album - You Are Freaking Me Out.
Welcome back. Take a seat, sit back and relax. I hope everyone had a great weekend, I know I did. Enjoy some legendary Samiam!
When I last left off on Friday, I was talking about my last week in Albany, New York. It was such an important time in my life, and at times now it feels like maybe it didn't even happen. I don't want to ever forget, because every moment at that time was amazing. Now sometimes amazing isn't such a good thing. It can be amazing how much damage can be done by a racial slur or derogatory comment towards someones sexuality, or even the amazing devastation that can come with terrorism or natural disasters.
So amazing is quite a word at times. But every moment in Albany was amazing. From standing on a stage telling jokes to people, to being just a little too drunk to even just riding the bus, there was so much to encapsulate in my memory. I miss that, because I haven't had too much of something as gratifying to the senses since then.
While in Albany, I suffered from the longest bout of writers block I'd ever had. Two years later the irony is that it's been a part of my biggest inspiration. So I'm not exactly quite sure how that worked out, but I'm so thankful that it did.
I met a lot of amazing people, and I said goodbye (for all intents and purposes) to one really amazing friend in the fray of it all. That really does stick with me. I think about it constantly.
But that last week, those last few days...all I saw still stay with me. Breathing in the final moments of something great, and knowing that it's finality is nothing but guaranteed is somewhat awe-striking.
When I left Arizona, there was a song I listened too pretty much the entire trip to Chicago. It's an old Jimmy Eat World song called "Goodbye Sky Harbor". If you don't know, Jimmy Eat World are from Mesa, Arizona and Sky Harbor is Arizona's big airport.
I've mentioned this numerous times, but I've always had a love affair with airports. I don't know many people who do, most people find it stressful and tedious.
"So here I am above palm trees so straight and tall you are smaller getting smaller but I still see you."
And then everything I'd come to known was gone. I'd become a total stranger in seven hours. And on that flight, a flight like that....I mean, anyone would be questioning who it was they would become. Not everyone gets a chance to reinvent themselves, but a lot of trouble I had was that I didn't want to forget who I was. I didn't want to return one day, and all the people I loved not be able to recognize who I was anymore. I didn't want to become a fake or a phony. Or lose touch.
Months later I was coming home, and I questioned what I'd learned. To be honest I still do.
And that last week remains fresh in my head.
What did I learn?
What drove me to New York was a broken heart, and what I gained in New York, and the East Coast as a whole was a perspective on life that's more valuable than love, money and possessions. I found myself, and the irony is I was so adamant about not changing. But I did, and in that process, I gave up the ghost.
It takes time for anything worthwhile to grow. I learned that in a beautiful way. For that I'm eternally grateful.
I'm not a spiritual person, and I won't even pretend I know what happens when we die. I don't. Know one truly does that's alive at this moment in time. Gods come and go, but memories of human beings...that's eternal.
I learned that what you do in this life matters. Maybe you're actions aren't even meant for you to gain some sort of learning from. Maybe it's for outsiders to see, and watch and dissect and learn from. We might not all wind up in History books or be famous rock stars and politicians, but there are people always watching, even if we don't know it.
But in all this I've realized all the people I've had the privilege and absolute honor to meet...I'm blessed. Maybe not in a spiritual sense, but in an ethereal sense. I've got a story to tell, and I've been so lucky to hear so many others stories as well.
There's scrapes and bruises and wounds that might never heal, but sometimes the pain is half the fun. Chicks dig scars, right?
Driving to the airport, and knowing what I was leaving behind I saw the airport one last time. How fitting it was the first thing I'd seen all along.
It was a beautiful, cloudy rainy morning. All along I'd questioned, "Was it worth it?"
More than you'd ever know.
It's been a weird journey, but here I am again. Tomorrow I take my college placement test...and the what else happens...well, I don't know. But I'm about to find out.
"Say goodbye to my old life, I'm off to better days."
-Until tomorrow.
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