Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve. Count on that for sure. (Day 198)

Band - Jimmy Eat World

Song - Work

Album - Futures.







This song sums up my whole mentality at the moment. "Can we take a ride/get out of this place while we still have time."

I'm 23, pressing 24 and I don't have much to show for it. I realize most don't at this age, but to be honest I've always held myself to a different standard than I would others. "Be the change you want to see" kind of thing. I've hit a few road blocks...well, actually plenty. But now I'm looking for those open roads, and given that chance, I'm gonna keep running til I'm out of gas, and then I'm going to keep pushing that car.

I keep thinking back to high school. They always say that's the best time in your life, but for me it really wasn't. If I'd had the chance, I would've applied myself more, because the truth that I've learned in life is this: the only tickets your going to be given out of the town your in most of your life, if you so desire to leave, is education and talent. Fake one until the other becomes apparent if you have to, but don't think for one second that drive is just enough to get you out.

I've always wanted to leave it all behind, and now I'm going to put forth every energy I can into this. The time for fucking around stops when you realize you've been unemployed for the better of two years, and in that time you could've been going to school and actually nearly be done with it and ready to move on...

But there's still time.

Honestly, what keeps me going some days is a friend in particular, who's drive is inspirational. A few months ago she learned she had a brain tumor, and due to where it's located and the potential risks, she can't just have it removed. She has to cope with it, and take medication for the foreseeable future. That's enough to turn anyone into the antithesis of what they once were, and quite rightfully so.

Last night she wrote a blog which I think you should go check out. You can do so by clicking this link, and honestly...spread it around. It's inspirational in the way she handles it. She doesn't ask for a pity party, but rather like a true fighter turns it into something that anyone could benefit from. In a sense, it's one of the most pure forms of art in an unpretentious manner I can think of, period.

So I think about that. Knowing for the rest of your life there's something daunting in the way, and that something hinders your day to day. The human spirit is a miraculous thing when it's all boiled down. You can fight with grit and determination and even if you come up short, and succumb to that war, people won't remember the victor...they'll remember the valor and that helps aide the spirit and soul for their own trials and tribulations.

See, it could be anyone anywhere at anytime, and in the end of it all you might night be the same person. Sometimes that's not such a bad thing. But if you can crawl out of the depths of Hell with the fire in your eyes and the piss and vinegar still flowing through your veins, you're untouchable. Even when you're touched, there's something immortal about wearing your wounds like a portrait. It's your painting, so what colors are you gonna use when all your favorites are gone? Make something new and vibrant, or rely on dull colors?

That's inspirational, to see her still be the same amazing friend I've had all this time. I'm not one to take anything for granted, and I really think she could walk through fire holding a ten gallon can of gas and not get burnt.

So I think about futures, and what they mean to me. One day things are going to be so vastly different, that when I go back and reread this, I'll be struck with a certain amount of nostalgia. I hope I make it through, and I know I can.

Futures won't wait for you, so why bother waiting for them? I think I'm finally starting to grasp that concept. I'm terrified of failure and falling. I come from a place where it's been a struggle my entire existence, and I don't know if I could handle falling any lower on the totem pole. But the thing is, I just can't. I don't want to settle for that, and I won't. I hope you choose not too, either.

One day I'm gonna have a story to tell. I'm still on the introduction now. Every time I think about death, or get depressed, I have to remind myself of that. I'm still on the introduction...we all are. It doesn't matter if you're 55 and looking towards retirement. We can be whomever we want. No one has the right to tell any of us any differently. You get lied too, and get force-fed shit about how it's always better to play it safe as opposed to taking risks.

Risks are half of what life is. I don't know much, but I know that. If you settle for hiding in the corner all your life, then yeah you'll always feel frustrated at not being able to dig your way out.

Wallflowers don't get laid, so come on and take a chance at dancing.

We still have time.

-Until tomorrow.