Jeanie had a chance, well she really did. Instead she dropped out and had a couple of kids. (Day 39)

Day two of the increased amount of lamictal (100mg's). I'm feeling pretty positive about it.

So instead of bitching and moaning, and living in fear and so many other topics I've brought up for the past 38 days, I've decided to do something about it. Whatever, you know? Find that direction and move towards the goals I've set for myself. They might be small steps, but they're steps I've not taken yet...so God, here we go.

First off, I've never been to college, which is strange because thats always been a dream of mine. I just never felt like I could afford it, or anything like that. Or that I'd ever actually fit into that structure. But it's always been a big fantasy for me.

So I for the first time today filled out (or am in the process of, apparently I need my parents tax info...whatever, I guess it pays to be dirt poor) FAFSA. Why not, I can't continue just wondering what if.

The only thing I wanted to do this year was shake things up a bit, and I firmly believe that at the moment, while this might be a small step...I'm on my way to accomplishing that. Even in a minute, and pretty inconsequential way.

The second though has more to do with what I want to be in life, which is writing. During the D4 fiasco I was involved with (caused?) an editor at Punk News wrote a pretty...I guess the best term is 'scathing' article about me on his personal site, Bitter Press, which I'd been a fan of for quite some time. To be quite honest, I was kind of honored to even see my name on his site, despite the capacity.

We had a few exchanges via e-mail after my rebuttal to his article (link above, its at the bottom of the twice aforementioned link) and the end result was an invitation to submit a short story for his Guest Fiction column.

I'd made my mind up about this quite awhile back that I would do it, but first and foremost I wanted to work on the short story compilation book I'm doing. I've been working hard on this book because you only get one debut in a specific field. After that it's working on whatever, but this is the foundation, the first step and a declaration all at once. You only get one chance for that, and to be honest I want to give it more than my best. I want to tap the reserves and beyond, so I've been pushing myself as hard as I could to do this. Whether or not anyone else digs this, what I do, I mean...I doubt they will and thats fine. To quote the Late Lester Bangs, "I'll probably never write a masterpiece, but so what?"

I want to exceed what it is I may or may not be capable of. Thats strictly on a personal level.

So fast forward a few months. The short story book now has a name (it's had one for quite some time, thanks to my brother-separated-by-blood, Matt Ramone) which is (ready for the big unveil? Drum roll please) File Under Powerviolence. I have one publisher who's expressed at this point, a modicum amount of interest in putting it out, but right now I'm trying to keep the options wide open.

But Powerviolence is storyboarded now, the listing of the stories are put out. There are about 6 or 7 stories that I want to put in it. I just need to finish up basically one and a half stories, and edit them a little (lot) bit. Then I think I'm good to go.

But I've never actually put myself out on the line in a big spectrum, and I'm realizing that if I want to see any type of success in terms of people being interested in it, even in the slightest, I have to start testing the waters. So in comes Bitter Press.

Bitter Press' Guest Fiction column is a great resource for some very, very interesting and good writers, and I think it's damned commendable for Jesse to give these authors a chance to be read, because it's a tough, tough field and any type of break you can get is detrimental to someone not wanting to put their head in an over.

As of today I'm now a part of the Guest Fiction column, and I know I don't stand up (like, at all) to stories like Matt Klingensmith's The Jeffersonian, davidbdlade's The Cutting Board, or Brian Costello's An Unfortunate Incident Involving Spritzers, Manuscripts and Post-Goth Hostesses.

I really think if you have some time to kill, maybe put the Facebook applications on hold for a hot minute and go read everything up there. I'm sorry not everyone got linked, I just wanted to give an example of the awesome, but each other is worth checking out.

I submitted a story thats pretty near and dear to me, thats going to be in Powerviolence called Shooting At a Mound of Dirt.

The feedback has been somewhat good so thats cool. But I felt like addressing why I'd go to Bitter Press after such a wonderful write up of my actions, and why I chose the story I did.

I chose to go ahead and do this because despite it all, what Jesse wrote was an honest and very well worded account. While I disagreed to an extent, I always appreciate honesty, and I always appreciate when people are confrontational when it's appropriate and well put.

You can only go so long with people who are going to support you no matter what, and God Bless them for that, but I feel you have to have a certain responsibility to yourself if you want to be completely honest. So many people refuse to acknowledge anything thats negatively said about them to hold up their egos. But how does that accomplish anything? Why not go against the grain if you get the opportunity to do so?

As I mentioned, I was a fan of Bitter Press prior to the write-up and invitation. So that didn't hinder my decision in the least.

I just want to push myself in anyway I can. Jesse is an extremely talented dude, and I'm jealous and want to grasp on to anyone who better than me (which is basically anyone).

But why Shootin' At a Mound of Dirt? There are a few of you who've read other stories I've written, and to be honest I feel this was an honest and fair question posed. Shootin' is one of the admittedly weaker stories in Powerviolence. But despite how it stands up to other stories, it's an integral and important part of the book because of it's strength. It stands out like a sore thumb, a black sheep with neon signs pointing at it, mostly because of it's style.

But I chose it because of it's weaknesses. Why? Because it'd be easy to come out swinging with a story I personally feel is stronger (and others feel as well) and I love taking the difficult and hard road. God forbid. But I also chose it because while its a bit weaker, it leaves room for improvement along the way, and it might prolong whatever longevity I may, or may not have.

It's a story I really liked a lot, and I wanted to give it a fair shot because I know there are a few stories that, to say the least, will easily overshadow it when the time comes.

So heres to the future and what it may bring.

Hey, what do you guys think of the earlier posts? Do you prefer this, or the nightly posts? I kind of like the earlier posts...I can't tell you how many times I'd take a nap, wake up late and then freak out that I hadn't updated yet. Plus this helps me remember to take the medications earlier. So what do you think?

Until tomorrow.

Until tomorrow.