And now I depend my sense of adventure to get through all the rough times. (Days 74 and 75)

Due to last night leaking into...well, right now, I haven't had access to a computer. Sorry for the late/double post. It looks like tomorrow things will be back to normal, and the 'Things I've Learned' arc will continue.

I just want to know why it is I always wind up back here. How one moment I feel invincible, and the next I feel so utterly and completely useless that it's not even worth it to try and wake up. When do these pills kick in? When do the others lay off? Is there anything to make this less demanding and taxing?

This weekend should have been huge, but for some reason I felt like I couldn't talk. Every time I wanted too, I felt awkward and unwarranted. I had the most contact I've had in a while this weekend, thanks to a mouse deciding my arm was a fancy getaway from the floors he'd been roaming at my friends house when I crashed on his floor. I already have a shit time trying to sleep, but really my little brown friend....I wish you to die.

I always feel bad wishing animals to die. Except snakes, which ironically feed on my second most hated animal on this planet, the common mouse/rat/rodent. I like Ferrets, so they get a pass.

But I just realized that this weekend I really served no purpose during anyone else's fun. I just felt like I was intruding. There was a party on Saturday night, where to be honest, the host hates me because I offended his religion. Usually I don't care if I'm offensive, but if it's something like religion, well...fuck, thats just not cool. Ever.

The party though had some upsides, and just random things going on. This guy kept making sounds like a pig being violated with hot coals, to said host barring everything God gave him during someone else's photo shoot.

Velvet got some really awesome shots, and it was cool to see so much diversity in one weekend. Most people who dip into the more artistic accoutrement in life struggle with just one area of their interest, let alone are able to expand upon them to deliver a wide array of something more telling of a life's breath in one weekend.

It was really fun to watch her in action. I kind of wish I could have helped more.

There was a lot of fun that happened this weekend, but I just can't shake this weird feeling. I hate it so much, I really do. I really hate that I was a downer on everyone else, too. I want to try to explain it, but...then again I really don't want to bother anyone. There was so much going on this weekend, I just wanted to be a part of it.

There was a party last night, too. Kind of impromptu, but it was a lot of fun as well. I got to catch up with a childhood friend whom I hadn't seen in years, and usually I hate that whole running into people from the stone age thing, where you have to put on some silly act about just how great it was to see them again. It's so disingenuous, and I just feel like such a liar when I do that.

But this time it was honestly awesome. I'd always liked the kid, so it was cool to talk and I hope we can stay in contact.

I had my first encounter with Kings Cup, which had a lot of fun side games as well.

But honestly, I have another huge apology due to Velvet, and the host of the party last night. I haven't been eating or sleeping much lately, whatever. God bless the lonely man's diet. But when you mix that with some other illicit scenarios on top of drinking, well...things can happen.

After Kings Cup came straight shots of vodka with Alex (the host) and Velvet (the beautiful) to which we all toasted to something. Alex chose DNA research (good call) Velvet toasted hormones (I mean...yeah) and I toasted apathy.

Straight down the gullet, and followed by two more, I felt a twinge of what I'm assuming was testosterone, as Alex and I decided to wrestle. I had him for a while, but right around when the vodka kicked in completely, I took him down and didn't capitalize, because when I brought him down, he landed on my stomach. I quickly tapped out because I thought I was gonna puke. And puke I did. All over my favorite thermal, and his pants and carpet.

It wasn't because I was overly drunk (and for all naysayers who think I'm denying anything, I only threw up after he landed on me, and not at all after that) I just took a pretty hard hit. I feel so bad because Velvet demanded she clean it up, and poor Alex...I felt so bad. I tried to get him out of the way. I suck.

I rarely ever puke, especially drunk. I haven't really eaten in a while, my last actual meal being a Subway Sandwich on Friday. Oh, and a few slices of pizza later that night. Other than that, it's basically just been tic tacs, beef jerky and imagination.

I went to a pow-wow with Velvet on Sunday, and it was pretty awesome. I know it sounds stupid, but I wonder if what the drummers were singing during their time, if the things they were vocalizing were words or not.

While there was so much fun, I just can't shake this feeling that no matter what I'm living in a world I don't belong in, that no matter what I'll never fit in. I'm the kid who reads comic books, and it seems like the rest of the world is there living these lives that just seem so alien to me, be it from sexuality to jokes or anything else.

I'm a square peg trying to force myself through the eye of a concrete needle. It just ain't gonna happen.

And now I have a million things to say to her. I just don't know where to begin...or where to end.

It's gonna be a long day.



Sleep is for the weak.

-Until tomorrow.