Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I've been shot down, and now it's time for me to go. (Day 76)

Todays a big, big, big day here at Days Gone By.

But I'm going to make you earn the final surprise. The endings the reason why you start anything at all, right?

In continuation, as promised, The Things I've Learned:

-I've learned I'm nothing special.
-I've learned I undersell myself every chance I get.
-I'm the underdog.
-The machine keeps moving, despite the rusty wheels protest.
-Life is really, really fragile.
-I'll never make my mother happy with me.
-I'm okay with it.
-I can be really short sighted.
-Theres almost always method to my madness.
-The Goonies, Edward Scissorhands, Nightmare Before Christmas and Breakfast Club fucking suck. Someone had to say it.
-I want to be a teacher, or pharmacist.
-I'm done being a guinea pig for medicinal purposes. It's been long enough.
-Girls really kill me.
-I want Seth Rogen inside of me.
-Homophobes make my world go round.
-I don't know what Navel Gazing means, but I do it every Sunday.
-Read, you fucking illiterates. The books are there for our consumption. Turn off your TV's, and see a lost world.
-Instant gratification isn't gratifying.
-Magic fingers.
-Vicodin could solve the worlds ills.
-I shouldn't have survived this weekend.
-Sacrifice the liver.

-I wish I could draw.
-I've always wanted to fly a plane. I even took classes. I might take that up again someday.
-Penny Hardaway was the worst investment the Suns ever made.
-Spray pain on testicles really, really hurts. It's also really, really funny.
-The Military is super easy to make all jumpy. It only takes one dead grenade.
-Phoenix is awesome.
-I think about you a lot.
-My aspirations are larger than you'd imagine.
-I'm done being sporadic and spontaneous to the point that it's irrational beyond all believe. It's just not cute anymore.
-Yeah, I never felt this way about anyone before. Fuck.
-I'm really good at putting my foot in my mouth. I must love the taste.
-Windshields crack really easy. Heads...less so.
-I don't like cell phones.
-I'm kind of boring.
-Silk makes me happy. And not the fabric. You either know, or don't.
-I love animals.
-I actually don't think about those nights. Like, at all.

-I'm not adequate. In any sense of the word, on either side of the coin.
-I felt nothing after completing File Under Powerviolence.
-Jonathan Franzen is underrated. Completely. Go read the Corrections. Fuck Stephenie Meyer.
-Start today. The worlds gonna end.
-Shoot from the hip.
-When people say I'm an artist, I fucking cringe.
-Honesty, more often than not, is the best policy.
-I wouldn't suggest it.
-Opportunities door is neither open or shut. It's rusted and propped ajar.
-If a girl is easy, she isn't worth it.
-I'm never enough.
-Like a song bird with a bad voice, if it weren't for analogies I'd never have a reason to speak.
-Cuck Fancer. Think about it.
-Nothing is for certain.
-I really can't draw (reference picture above.)
-I never met an Arleen or Velvet I didn't like.
-Learn when to walk away. Some battles aren't even worth the purchase of gunpowder.
-Theres adventure in everything. You just have to look and listen.
-It's my sense of adventure thats gotten me through the hardest of times.

Theres probably a lot more. But for now, I'm going to leave it at that. It's a long, long road.

So here pretty soon, I'm going to be sending in Powerviolence to these two publisher, and see which one will turn me down first. It should be a lot of fun. Maybe a race. "Who will tell me I'm a hack first?" kind of thing.

But if someone is drunk at the acceptance booth and takes it, well...hey, I'll let you all know whats the happy-haps with that. Where to buy, if I'll do signings, etc. All that boring shit.

So thats surprise number one. Slightly spoiled it, sure, but I doubt many people will pull through that boring shit. Thats why theres a shiny picture of a poorly constructed drawing in crayon that probably shouldn't have existed. I kill art, and I'm so proud. This is evolution, bitch. Only the strong, or medical anomalies can survive.

I've been looking for a job lately. If anyone in Arizona, possibly Phoenix, can assist me with getting something half way decent, and the pay is worth me dropping my medical and Food Stamps, please let me know. I'm trying to get out of Arizona City, and by this time next year I want to be out of this State, hopefully. Though that might be a bit unrealistic, I would like to at least visit during this year, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, SoCal somewhere, or maybe Chicago, MD/VA/DC for the Summer. Not a Winter though, I can't take that. Especially in the Midwest.

But the West Coast is where I want to stay. I'm open to suggestions, kids. I did a lot, and I mean a lot of soul searching this weekend. I'm completely restless, and I can't stand sitting here being stagnant. It's just not fun. It never has been. I really like working, but it has to be something that I love doing. I understand stress comes with the territory, but in the end, it's just satisfying drawing a check and getting out of the house for a few hours.

I also decided I need to make the leap from dressing like I'm 17 still. I still like wearing band T-shirts, but the thing is that I pretty much only own band shirts. And almost all of them are black. I own like four shirts that are a different color, and two of those are green.

I want to see foreign soil sometime in the near future, and as much as it kills me, I think I have to bite the bullet and get a drivers license and a car I'll never drive, as well as a cell phone I'll never use. I lose waisting my money.

A few years ago I lived in an apartment, and had a home phone for all of three weeks and canceled the service. I'm just not important enough to warrant a phone, and as far as cars go...I'm weary of driving one, and also I just feel guilty contributing that heavily to pollution. And no, it's not about 'going green' or anything ridiculous like that. I've always felt that way. I've been cutting those soda plastic rings since I was nine. But I guess it's time to bite the bullet when I get a car. I just feel weird, cause I have absolutely nowhere to drive to. I don't think I ever have.

It's my goal within four months to be out of this house, and into a house or apartment in the Valley. I don't think either are unrealistic, and I've been looking. It's cheap to live up there, and if I can get a room mate (which I'm increasingly not wanting anymore) it'd be that much easier. Plus, I really want a big dog, and to throw shows/let bands crash whenever and parties, and I don't want the bitching. I get lonely, but I can't bring my beloved Rizzo Cat, because he's very attached to this residence, and he hated moving the first time. Plus, I've wanted a dog for a very, very long time.

I also am tired of sleeping alone. This weekend a very cute puppy, and a very cute girl both slept with me, and I've realized I'm just done waking up next to nothing (to quote the Trio). So I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but it needs to happen and I need to figure that out soon. I just refuse to settle.

I'm also looking to do a short jaunt in California within the next few months. I'm looking into maybe going to San Francisco/Bay Area for the first time, or even just SoCal. I've got a few friends in both areas, so if you kids are reading this...let me know if you're down with me crashing for a hot minute. It'd be rad to get to see some of you or meet some of you for the first time. So get a hold of me either here, or at my email at aaron.halewilliams@gmail.com. It'll be a blast.

In other news, starting tomorrow the Guest Updates will begin. They might be sporadic with days missing here and there, but I've read some of 'em, and they are pretty damned rad. So it's gonna be a lot of fun, and I can't wait to say.

Now, the moment I alluded to a little bit ago:

The endings the reason why you start anything at all, right?

As of today, even though the guest updates are going to be posted up here for a while, Days Gone By will be going on an indefinite hiatus. I want to say that I'm promising it's coming back, but I can't assure anyone it'll ever be the same again. And the thing with something being indefinite is that, it could come back a week later, or ten years later. So take it for what it is, because I truly don't know.

This has been a very, very rewarding experience, and I'm going to feel weird not updating every day. This blogs seen an influx of visitors, jumping nearly three hundred visits in over a week.

I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can keep away, because writing is my blood. It's a lifeline, but I don't want to rely on anything, anymore.

I wish I had a more insightful and indepth answer. But in true fashion, and in despite of the nature of this blog, right now I'm not comfortable with discussing it entirely.

Thank you to everyone who's linked, commented, returned, emailed, said nice things, said bad things, said anything. It means more than you'll ever know. I'd do anything for you, and I'm in debt until the day I die. It really does touch me in a way I cannot explain, and breaking the habit of a daily update will be so hard to find.

I hope somewhere, somehow, someone will find this blog one day, who might be struggling with themselves, and at the very least just find out that they aren't alone. These issues aren't solitary, none of ours are. And so often that leads us to repress those emotions, and wind up feeling completely alone.

I'm a very closed off person. I hate to dump on anyone, and would rather try to be an ear, or shoulder to help bear the weight. I know that baring yourself, and your soul is one of the hardest things to ever do. I want to make it easier for other people.

Mental illness, and the variety of issues that come along with that are very real, and very serious concerns that often get overlooked or tossed aside. Maybe because theirs little to know physical impressions, and it's so hard to see its damage. It gets scoffed and laughed at, and tossed aside, which honestly...joking is okay. It can exploit one of two things: insecurity and ignorance, or someone coping with it the best they can. Both are okay, honestly, in my eyes.

It's a long road, and life is precious.

While 76 days doesn't seem like much, the ground this blog has covered and how far it has progressed, and the little 'viewership' it's gotten. I never guessed it could go this far. At all, and it chokes me up a little bit.

I've never stuck to anything religiously like this, before. Ever. I feel so accomplished and proud. And if this does return, when and if it does in whatever time frame it takes, I won't be walking away until I feel finished. I'm just not sure I do at all, yet.

Thank you, friends.

-Until tomorrow.


nick said...

This blog has helped me more than anything lately.

You've always got a bed in London, England good sir.

Thank you.

Aaron Hale-Williams said...

Nick, if you get this and you ever wanna talk, message me on aim: herextoinfirmary, msn: aaronracket@live.com, or yahoo: armageddonhale@yahoo.com

The Emperor said...

I don't think I have done anything for 76 days straight. Well, nothing that's not hygeine/life-supporting anyhow. Maybe cursing.

Daniel said...

I'm bummed I won't be able to read this anymore, especially since I just started, but that bummedness is outweighed by my anticipation to read Powerviolence. I hope you keep us updated on that.

As for the list. Yeah, I hope it keeps growing