I do agree the experience is quite enticing if I don't get distracted by all the drinking. (Day 60)

What do shots of everclear get you? Heartburn and drunk, and both happen really, really quickly. That's something I learned this past week.

And for some reason when drunk like this, I try to pursue activities that require um, whats the term? Coordination. Thats the one.

Late into the night I played Rock Band 2 while attempting to hold a conversation on the phone. One can only try to play El Scorcho so many times on hard before giving up. At least I tried though....at least I tried.

But every time I wind up in Phoenix for an extended period of time, I really just don't want to come back. The things waiting here for me are things I'm just getting so tired of dealing with on a day to day basis. I've been patient, perhaps so much so thats it's becoming a character flaw.

When asked why I simply didn't just move to the Valley Area, I realized it was a question I had no proper answer for.

I've been wanting a big change to happen. Things have begun to set in motion that imply that a change for the better could be coming along, but for right now I can't say I'm exactly pleased with many things happening.

I've been working on File Under Powerviolence for a very, very long time. I wanted to try my best to do something new, to be diverse and able to do more than tell the same story with a different title and words. I have interest in writing the same thing a thousand times again.

Now I'm knocking on the door of being finished. It looms, and by the end of this week the long process of writing this book will be finished. It feels like I've been carrying this on my shoulders for so long but the weight's slowly been alleviating itself and I can almost feel what it'd be like without this weight any longer.

All it takes is that final push. I can't wait for this to come off my shoulders, I have to forcibly remove it.

And the thing is, with all these things I've been wanting to dissipate from my life, they've all slowly started to come off my shoulders, too. But if I want this to happen definitely, I'm going to have to forcibly remove them. It's elementary, and I'm sitting here trying to find university answers for simple arithmetic. I've just never been good at math, but what I'm getting at is sometimes the simplest answer is the right one, dummy.

A lot of things will be changing. As a forewarning to any, and all close to me. It will be starting as of today. I'm sick and tired of being the patient one weathering storms when theres a warm room waiting for me. I always wait until the last second to decide I don't want hypothermia. Even in the cold; you're still gonna get burnt.

I'm done putting the shoe-shine to scuffed boots. I've got things in my life I've refused, flat out, to face and in doing that I've all but gone completely gray dealing with the stress of not only knowing these things exist, but shutting myself out so much that when I do peak through the cracks...it feels wrong. And I don't want that. Not anymore.

I used to be confident with all facets of my life. Every single one. But I'm like the dare-devil that broke a leg in 8 different places for the first time. I healed, and now I have the knowledge of what pain can in fact happen, and so I only dip my toe half way in.

I got my heart ripped the fuck out of my chest a few years ago. Say what you will about the time frame, or who she was, I just do not care. I have zero feelings for her, but just knowing how it felt has caused me to not want to open up much with anyone. Just knowing that that can exist has caused me to never give 100% of myself with any matters pertaining to the heart, and in the process not only have I hurt myself, but others in the process. I've completely over-looked any possibilities for something great because I let that fear dictate my life. To be quite honest, I'd rather feel that hurt again rather than feel numb like this anymore. I'd rather feel it a thousand times over than this.

And it might not seem like much, but for the past three years I've all but withdrawn completely from almost every person I know (friend or other). I can only think of two people where I don't have that filter, and I'm really glad that I can be that open with at least them, but it made me realize that if I can't be myself without fear of repercussions, then thats a person I just do not need in my life.

So it's time for a little bit of reevaluation.

I take this time to introduce many people to the door. Because from here on out, if anything I've ever said offended you, and there was no legitimate cause, or you feel that you can't deal with it...go on, and let yourself out. I'll hold it wide open for you, too. The lovely parting gift is a big fuck you, and have a good one.

I hate to be all like, "Me, me, me" but honestly I don't see anyone having the courtesy that I give most of the time. I don't see people saying sir, or ma'am un-ironically, I don't see people holding doors for strangers or listening to everyones problems like I do, for the most part. There are a few people like that, but in the end, humanity as a whole is infatuated with the smell of its own shit.

I've removed myself so much from existence as a whole, the phrase "this isn't about me" isn't something I say only when I'm in trouble or called on something, but more of a motto entirely. I've let myself become convinced that I'm always in the wrong, that I'm always wrong and that nothing should be about me...and worst of all, I've allowed myself to become convinced 100% that I suck, and I'm worthless.

And you know what? Things about me suck, welcome to being a human being. But I don't suck. I'm really happy with a lot of things about me. I still say sir, or ma'am. I do have manners no one else seems to have. I'm considerate, I work hard to push myself as a writer. I'm there for anyone, even complete strangers when they just need an ear.

I'm better than that, and it's time to cash in my chips on this bullshit hiding thing I'm doing. I'm done with that, and I'm done with people who can't return those favors.

Only one person heard me out when my friend was brutally slain. One fucking person. Later that day, I had to listen to people complain about everything from, "this boy is ignoring me" to "my job sucks, my boss is a dick" to "I'm so depressed because she won't return my calls" and to be honest, all those things can suck and people need to vent or need an ear, but only one person lent one to me on one of the hardest times in my life.

I have a friend, probably boarding on casual acquaintance, but my friend is in a somewhat popular band thats made some very unpopular decisions. He's faced a lot of repercussions for doing what was best for him, and at times it stresses him out...but overall what he's done has saved his sanity. He's one of the happiest people I've ever known because while people hate what he's doing, he's happy with who he's become as a whole.

And I'm not saying I'm not me. My personality is 100% genuine. Completely. But matters pertaining to me, or issues pertaining to me always, always take the back burner because I feel wrong in doing so. And I'm done with that.

I'm done apologizing for things that aren't my fault. I'm tired of being chastised for stupid, asinine and absurd reasons. I'm tired of being the one that can't be allowed an ounce of wiggle room because...who knows why? I deserve that much. I really do.

And I do appreciate people being upfront and confrontational with me about things. I appreciate honesty, but it's about time I'm allowed to make mistakes, too. Theres a small handful of people that are willing to let me do that. The rest just don't care about me enough to give an ounce of wiggle room, and to be honest...you get what you put in.

I'm out of cheeks to turn, and my neck is to sore to continue this.

Until tomorrow.