And if it's okay, I'll just grab my shit and leave. (Day 150)

Lately a lot has been on my mind. Finding an agent, and trying to figure out what the next step is that I need to take to start a writing career. I feel the time is right, and that that time is right now. More than ever, and I'm willing to make whatever sacrifice it is that I need to make in order for that to become a reality.

For the past few weeks, things have been mounting. At first I was able to cope with this on a level that surprised myself, but now I'm slowly coming to the realization that the medication isn't working properly, and I feel that it's actually being counteractive.

Between issues I've had with my only blood relative that isn't my mother...it just gets quite disheartening to know that a person I'm named after, that I used to respect and try to model my life after, views me as a complete and utter piece of shit that he can't stand to be in the same room with me alone for more than a few seconds. I used to try so hard to do something that would make him feel compelled to be proud of me, but in the end I realize that that's highly improbable, whether it be me not taking the path he took, or struggling to just make a name for myself on my own.

He doesn't understand, nor care to understand the issues I've had with mental health (as well as other health issues with my knee and shoulder). It's really weird to me, too. I'm a blood relative to him, yet my step-father loves me, and he doesn't. I don't know, I'm not complaining. I don't blame him for it, either. I think he's always resented me for being bi-racial.

But it still takes it's toll.

My mothers health is really deteriorating, and she keeps pushing herself in ways she shouldn't, but is too proud to take a break and let someone else step in to shoulder the burden she feels is demanded of her for some past transgression. She has this strange mentality, and it depresses the Hell out of me.

I'm hungry, bur frustrated with where this writing thing is going. Maybe I'm just not good enough, maybe I just don't have what it takes. The world needs carpenters, but God, I want to do something I'm passionate about.

I've tried for years to have a band, and no one gives a shit. And now everyone I know is settling down. People have always felt that the things I've wanted to pursue weren't realistic, and maybe it's time to just listen to them. It isn't for everyone, and you have to have that something special to be on that stage, or on that level where you can just create things you are passionate about (unless again you're like...a carpenter who loves their job, or an architect or something along those lines, but nothing artistic, I guess. God, I hate the term art, artistic or anything along those lines.) But you know, maybe it's that time to grow up.

But everyone I know is settling down. Except for my friends Richard, Jeremy and Christina, every single person whom I'd consider a good friend that I see on a semi-regular basis are in long term committed relationships, or beginning to blossom with a relationship with that potential. And I literally have no prospects, and I feel so immature because...what transpired in the past few months...that's something I never wish to have. Not again. Those feelings are too damning and dangerous.

But it's at the point now where I'm always going to be that third wheel. It's because of this reason that I'd rather just start fading now, because it always depressed me to see those guys clinging on friendships that won't ever be the same again. I guess we all have to grow up.

A lot has been on my mind lately. I really think I've lost my mind completely, and my aspirations are just too unrealistic and maybe it's time to cut and run. Nothing wrong with that. I've seen and done a few things. Not too much, because everyone leads more interesting and important lives than I do.

But I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

Come tomorrow, it will be the two year anniversary of when I moved to Albany, New York.

Some people live only in revolutions per minute. As much as I hate it, I tend to live that out myself.

Two years ago I was in this same situation. There are a lot of differences between then and now. A lot. But this time two years ago, I was crushed by a girl (like now) I wasn't going anywhere (like now) and I was ready to give up (like now.)

Tomorrow I'll list whats changed, or at least the things that have happened. But I can't stop wondering, God...what would have happened if I stuck it out? What would have happened if I would've just kept going with this girl, kept working for the government, kept just...doing whatever it was that I was doing.

I'm trying so hard to kill everything about me. There's not one thing about who I was that was worth salvaging for the most part. There's not one person that I know that wouldn't agree with that. I'm a boring, horrible and lousy go nowhere person. There's nothing redeeming about me.

But I'm done bitching about it. I want to kill that all off, and not remember anything about it. I want to change that, and maybe be that guy one day you wouldn't completely hate being around for more than 10 minutes. I'm aiming for 15 at this point. Dream big, Dudely Shale. Dream big.

Tomorrow is a big day for my personal history. So with that, goodnight.

-Until tomorrow.